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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Alcohol and my boyfriend.

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Author Topic: Alcohol and my boyfriend.
zoota100
Neophyte
Member # 110299

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I am not a heavy drinker, and I have no intention of being one. For my upcoming birthday I was going to have a few drinks, for recreational purpose. My boyfriend doesn't like the idea and he told me I'm not allowed to drink. Is it fair for him to make this demand of me? He claims its out of respect and if I respect him I wouldn't do Somthing I know he doesn't like. I just want to know if this is a fair request for him to make. I feel as if my personal choice has been taken from me, and I want to have fun without being burdened by his constant badgering and asking me if I'm drinking when I'm trying to have fun with my friends.
Posts: 2 | From: port rowan ontario canada | Registered: May 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's not for partners -- in relationships of equality -- to tell partners what they are are are not "allowed" to do, no.

In healthy, equitable relationships, partners CAN ask to discuss and negotiate some things with partners, with the aim of coming up with agreements, but that is a very different thing from being Daddy and telling someone what they are or are not "allowed" to do.

That -- "you are not allowed to do this," -- also is not a request. A request sounds more like, "I'd like it if you did/did not..." followed by a "How do you feel about this," and maybe some discussion of why they want to ask for a thing.

Do you two otherwise generally ask, discuss, negotiate and create agreements like that with this, so this is very unusual? Or is this more typical of your dynamic on the whole?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
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Member # 110025

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So at first I wondered if this was maybe that he told you you weren't allowed to drink because you were perhaps under the age limit in your country (I've no idea what that is) but then I read the rest of your post and it doesn't seem to be. So my answer is entirely based on the assumption that you're old enough to be legally drinking. Moving on to said answer! [Smile]

Personally... No. I don't think that is fair. It's fair for him to explain that he doesn't like you to drink/drink much/whatever it may be. It's absolutely not fair to demand or expect it of you. If he doesn't like alcohol or drinking, it is absolutely his choice not to drink or involve himself in situations where other people may be drinking. Is he against alcohol entirely or just you drinking? Does he himself drink? Does he give any reason why he doesn't want you to drink?

I've got to be totally honest, a few things here are waving big red flags at me. This strikes me as really controlling behaviour. So here they are (don't know how to do the quote thing, sorry)

1) "not allowed"
Nope nope nope. That is not what a partner is for. The law is for telling you what you're allowed to do. Your partner is for having an equal and balanced relationship with.

2) "demand"
The fact you've seen this as a demand to me says a lot about how it must have been phrased. In a healthy relationship no-one should be demanding anything of anyone. Queries, fine. Discussions, sure. Concerns, ok. But demands? No sirree.

3) "if I respect him I wouldn't"
This is basically the same as the "if you really loved me" argument. It's controlling and manipulative and sure as heck not a legitimate argument in the slightest. Respecting someone does not and should not equate to following their orders. It's like the "If you really loved me you would have sex with me even though you're not ready" thing. Nope. Not ok at all. If *he* respects *you* he'll let you make your own choices.

4) "I feel as if my personal choice has been taken from me"
If you feel like that, that's probably because that's exactly what he's trying to do. Again, if he doesn't like drinking, he can choose not to drink. If he doesn't like you drinking and you choose to drink, he can choose not to be around you when you're drinking or he can choose to be with someone who shares his views on alcohol. (I'm not saying I think he should or will break up with you, just to clarify, I'm just trying to illustrate my point.)

5) "constant badgering"
Again this strikes me as very controlling behaviour. You *should* be able to have fun with your friends without being constantly pestered!

I don't say any of these things to try to put him down or make you feel bad about this (or worse than you maybe already do) but I've been in a relationship with a controlling, manipulative person before and I wish I'd had someone point out all these warning signs to me. Can I ask- does he show any of these controlling behaviours in other parts of your relationship?

I think I'm also getting the feeling that this desire for you to not drink isn't out of concern for you. It certainly doesn't sound that way. For example, concern that you'll drink too much and be ill or that something could happen to you. It sounds like this is purely about what he wants. That worries me.

Hope this helps and isn't too forward. I just recognise a few of the things I experienced and wish someone had pointed out to me in a way I could understand. [Smile]

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~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
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Oops, Heather got there before me and I didn't see it, sorry! [Smile]

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~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, I think as two-fers go, this is a good one. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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