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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » A continuation of a much earlier rant

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Author Topic: A continuation of a much earlier rant
Member # 108614

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I have fractured in a way, no longer do I realize I am separate from my mask, because it no longer seems to be me wearing the mask. I see myself as fully different, with different mentalities at different points in time. I hate that I am no longer truly me. It seems like there are little ticks, but it just leaves me upset. My family criticizes so much, yet I am wrong. I am true to my views, I hold to what I believe, yet I bow my neck under the yoke of their wishes, and heavy does it feel. It has just come to the point where it just seems inevitable that it shall continue this way, presenting different fronts to different people until this front can disappear.

I am good at covering information, pushing what I know to the back of my mind to deal with situations but I feel it is going to go too far at one point. I just have minor fractures in the porcelain mask, so perhaps not full fractures but they will extend due to the daily necessity of it needing to be handled, needing to be seen and touched, of the wear and tear, and when that day comes I don't know where I will be.

So I don't know where I am going with this, but yet I am just saying it, letting it stand somewhere without a mask to shift its meanings.

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.
― Tamora Pierce, Bloodhound

Posts: 7 | From: A little part of a Southern state in the USA | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi Dovissary,

Just wanted to let you know that we saw this, and to reiterate September's assertion from your last thread that we strive to keep Scarleteen as safe place for people to discuss situations like this. I know you said you're not sure where you're going with these thoughts, but I wanted to let you know that, if there's anything you want to talk about or help you need, feel free to ask us.

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Member # 110155

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I don't know precisely what you're hiding behind the mask, or what your circumstances are, but I can guarantee that you still exist behind it (although maybe not how you remember yourself being before). If you're finding it suffocating, my suggestion would be to find somewhere where you don't have to wear it. Ideally, that'd involve a new group of people who you don't know, and they don't know you or anyone in your community; people who are more likely to be accepting of whatever you're hiding, and if they're not? You can just cut them off, and only lose a little time.

If you're a QUILTBAG, maybe look for some LGBTQ groups in a city or town near you (but far enough away that you won't bump into anyone you don't want to). Or maybe join a sports or hobby group or something - you can find lots online at places like If you're at college or university, try joining the debating club! It's a great place to express your opinions powerfully, with the plausible deniability of telling the wrong people that you were just playing devil's advocate. [Wink]

Having some time and space to just be yourself is a big relief when you feel like you have to pretend in everyday life.

Posts: 116 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 108614

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Thank you both for your replies. It is difficult to even start to step out of the mask in any way, because that requires where I go to be noted down and filed, with consequences if I am somewhere I do not submit in writing. I want to attend somewhere perhaps, yet getting there is a tricky situation unless I want it either noted or to receive punishment, so I am continuing to deliberate.

I bow my head, hide the thoughts that stir like a sea when there are undercurrents so strong that even the strongest is at risk, keep the illusion of meekness, of acceptance of that which is told, of being the obedient girl, the one who says yes with a metaphorical curtsy. I present as one whom even archaic impropriety would be too much for, yet so much more has happened. I have been in that which causes the horse of life to buck wildly, when riding bareback at a gallop so an emergency dismount becomes necessary or face larger consequences. I have gritted my teeth as I sobbed, simply letting the tears roll down my face as I endured, knowing that after the illusion would only be easier to hold, yet also so much harder.

My fallen trunks grain, with marks carved into it, those of fear, has had moss grow to cover them, leading to the disappearance of the signs, of the desire to withdraw from unexpected contact, even though it still exists, it is invisible to the casual glance for it is well covered.

I am starting to let the mask slip in front of one of my closest friends, yet only the slightest bit, waiting to see if their will be backlash.

I sit in front of this screen as I type, and wonder if this message in itself will lead to backlash against what I say in the physical reality, yet reaffirm that at least online, the most anonymously I know how, I will let it start to fade away, as hard fog after many an hour of sun, slowly dissipating until one can see far away, the curves of the mountains in the distance, the blur of leaves on a tree hundreds of feet away.

I hope that one day that mask can start to slip in my daily conversations, so that each word I say is not moderated for how large an impact on myself there will be. That perhaps "When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely
I just stick up my chin and grin and say....

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you got to hang on till' tomorrow, come what may!" (Annie, Tomorrow)

Will be something I can know, that tomorrow will be a better day than today, with more of who I am as an individual able to show, perhaps eventually in the ever promised tomorrow I will be who I am. Free to do more than elude in the slightest way to who I would prefer as a partner in this immense hike called life, to say where I would pray without wondering who will hear and judge. To say what I think without wondering how much will be done to me to "teach me the error of my ways" is that which I dream of every day.

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.
― Tamora Pierce, Bloodhound

Posts: 7 | From: A little part of a Southern state in the USA | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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