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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My dad is not very happy with me having a boyfriend... What do i do?

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Author Topic: My dad is not very happy with me having a boyfriend... What do i do?
Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Hi! This is the third time i post a question here and i think you guys make a wonderful job replying and giving advice so i'm very thankful for the help and support.
Here is the thing: My dad was never very pleased that i had a boyfriend but he never really said anything to me because he has the theory that if he does so it will only make me want my boyfriend more. My family is also very strict and religious so when he comes over they don't let me bring him to my room or anything so we have to stay in the living room or in the garden.
And on top of all of that, they are super overprotective and they won't let go to his house, and there's also the fact that i live in Venezuela (which is what it is right now) so they won't even let me take as much as a step outside my house.
So last weekend my boyfriend came over to dinner in my house with my parents, everything was fine and a couple of hours later my parents left and we went to the living room and we were talking and stuff and, it was just my luck, my dad came in just when we were making out. We were apart in a matter of seconds but my dad stormed out of the room without a word. When my boyfriend left my mom told me i had to be more careful with what i did in my house and that my dad was very upset and angry with me "giving such a show" in my own house.
My parents also happen to go to Boston on holidays next monday and my mom told me that as me and my sister were going to be alone for a few days, she didn't want anyone coming over to the house, specially not him because apparently i'm not behaving as a "girl my age should" and that i'm not mature enough to keep decent with them in the house and that she couldn't imagine how it would go if i were alone.
The thing is, i'm 17 years old, soon to be 18, and i don't see why this is such a big deal, we were just kissing and as i don't expect my parents to be so happy about that because they see wrong in almost everything, i didn't expect them to be this bad. Also, my boyfriend's birthday is on sunday and i'm afraid i won't even get to see him because of that...
I'm sorry i took this long to explain everything but i needed to do so.
P.s Sorry for any misspells, english isn't my first language. Thank you very much for reading.

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi Lavm and welcome back,

This sounds like a frustrating situation. The thing is, while you are living at home, it is often necessary to follow the guidelines set around any sexual stuff (and it sounds like your parents define that category broadly), especially if you are worried about the consequences of getting caught. Because, unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that they won't find out about something like inviting your boyfriend over while they're gone.

However, I don't think that means you won't be able to see him while they're gone. Are his parents more accepting of your relationship? Or is there an option of going out somewhere together, like to a movie?

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Hi! Thanks for replying.
My mom specifically said that i wouldn't be able to go outside the house while they are gone, but this is not why i'm so upset, it is the fact that i know that if things were difficult before, they will be worst now, because at least at first they didn't have a reason to hate him, but now they apparently do. I don't know if i should talk to them and explain that i'm not a little girl anymore and that something as simple as a kiss is not a reason for them to not want me to see him.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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With other kinds of conflict in your family, how have you all communicated and resolved that conflict? In other words, how do you typically work through conflict in your family, and how can you employ those tools, skills or ways of working together with this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Hi Heather, i usually try to talk to them, specially my dad because he has the final word for everything. But he is not very easy to talk to, he often puts my statements below his, and he thinks that because i'm young and i'm a girl i don't have the best of the judgements so i can have a say on my own. He often refers to me like i'm back to a bad attitude i had when i was 13, and the thing it's not that i'm immature or i'm not capable of making my own choices, the problem is he doesn't seem to think i can, he treats me like a child. But i'm not one anymore. We are always arguing about this because i feel like i deserve more respect and more freedom to make my own choices. This happens with almost everything, and as i'm heading to university this year i feel like i need to be more free.
Yes, this goes beyond me and my boyfriend, this is something bigger than that.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm sorry to hear it has gone that way, and without changes or improvements! [Frown]

It does sound like some of what might need to happen here is for you to wait this out a tiny bit, head out on your own, and get the freedom you want. Being independent, over time, also should hopefully help your Dad shift his thinking some in terms of your adulthood.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I wonder: in the interim, might it be possible to ask your folks, and your boyfriend, to all sit down together and see if you can't all try to come to at lease some agreements and resolution?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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I wish i could talk to them more openly, and it'd be wonderful if i could just make this situation less awkward. I do appreciate what my parents do for me and that they want the best for me, but right now that's not working for me because i'm not happy and they don't even care about me being happy now they just keep telling me that in order to be happy later i have to keep the boundaries they put in my life, but i keep wondering when is that "later" supposed to be... I feel so frustrated that i keep finding myself almost crying because i just want them to understand that i'm not a little girl anymore and that i deserve to be happy with my boyfriend or without him, but happy nonetheless and they should respect the way that i want to live my life.
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