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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » end of relationship

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Author Topic: end of relationship
MaddleyLove
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me and my boyfriend who ive had all the time ive been on scarleteen have ended it. he said he wanted to concentrate on uni. now im just worried ill be pregnant and everything will be 10 times worse.

[ 04-06-2014, 07:04 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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Redskies
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I'm really sorry to hear your relationship's ended, Maddley. That's usually very difficult and painful.

Is there anything we can do to help you deal with that loss?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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MaddleyLove
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im...in shock. i cant eat and just keep wandering round endlessly. i dont know where to go or what to do.
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Heather
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Have you yet taken steps to connect with counseling, like I asked in your last post?

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About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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no. but i definitely am now. really, this is it and i mean it.

he says he wants to be civil and even friends, can that even happen?

im so scared his parents hate me, which i couldnt bear beacuse theyre like second parents to me. im so scared he'll tell lies about me, say it was my fault and make me out to be a horrible person.

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Kaizen
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Re: being friends

Maybe, but not right now.

I speak from experience. Two years ago, a guy I had a huge crush on said he liked me back, but then decided that dating me was a bad idea, for very valid reasons. (The main one being that he wanted sex and I didn't.) I decided I would continue to be friends with him, because I didn't want to lose him entirely...

And I ended up getting stomachaches every time he didn't respond to me, actually running out of the lunchroom and almost throwing up because he was talking to a girl I knew he liked, interpreting everything he said to me as a sign that he secretly regretted not dating me, ragging on myself to him in the hope that he would flirt with me to make me feel better...

Finally I went away to college, broke off all contact with him, got involved with other things. And when I went to his grad party last summer, I had a great time with him, but also clearly saw why we wouldn't make a good couple even beyond the sex thing.

The moral of the story is, while yes, you can be civil to one another (that's after all the mature way to handle it) you cannot be 'friends' in the sense of doing things together and such while one of you still has romantic feelings.

I haven't read your whole history, but do you have any reason to think he would make up lies and vilify you? If he's been reasonable all along, and he now says he wants to be civil and eventually be friends, I wouldn't worry about that.

I'll leave the counseling bit to Heather, but I can say that even just going to the counselor at my college helped me out a lot, so I bet it would help you too.

Beyond that, I'd say the best way to get towards moving on is to distract yourself. Delete numbers, pack away anything that makes you think of him, do things you've always cared about/enjoyed even if you don't feel like it at first. (I was forced to show up for stage crew because I had committed to it before the whole incident. I think the work and the laughs there were one of the things that got me through.)

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~Bee o( l l )-

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MaddleyLove
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i want a friend relationship where we can snapchat or like eachothers posts without weirdness, but I see how that's probably not possible. he's changed his relationship status on fb, as have I, to single, but hasn't deleted me as a friend on fb or twitter.

no I don't have a reason, just afraid he'll be like oh yeah my ex girlfriend, she was such a bitch she did this and this and I don't want his parents thinking im horrible.

there are...a lot of things which need sorting. but I don't know which to do first, my head is all over the place [Frown] can you help?

[ 04-06-2014, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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Heather
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I cannot suggest enough, as I keep doing, again and again, that YOU first take steps to help yourself here by getting the counseling we keep talking about and have pretty much the whole time you have been posting here.

You have to be willing to help yourself, Maddley, and commit to YOU above and beyond anyone else. That can take some learning, honestly, including learning not to get so distracted when in relationships that your love of yourself, your care of yourself, and your focus on yourself goes out the window. But I truly believe that with the right help and that work on your part, you absolutely can get there.

(I'd also add that I think once you really start doing that and commit to it, you are going to find yourself feeling a lot better in relationships, having better ones, and feeling less gutted when ones that really were never that great go kaput. Someone who would call you a bitch to other people or demonize you to parents could never have been someone you had that earnestly great of a relationship with, after all. That's just not what people do who respected each other.)

In the interim, until you do access that counseling, why don't you go through this piece and try some of the steps in it: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

[ 04-06-2014, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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I understand what youre saying, Heather: I was asking if you could help me figure out in which order to sort things out: meaning, taking a test because that would be the worst thing; and getting my implant out, and then doing things like deleting him from fb and twitter, deleting his number, things like that. I haven't done this before, im not asking for the kind of help a counsellor can give; Im just asking for someone to help me sort things out.

just read that break up article, it was so helpful :')

[ 04-06-2014, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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Heather
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I don't understand what this breakup has to do with your implant? Or why you'd have such an expensive method you presumably chose because you wanted something long term -- and because this was a method you wanted for yourself -- removed because of a breakup?

If you want to take a pregnancy test, you don't need my opinion on that. You take one if you want to, and you don't if you don't want to. As you already know, the reality of you being pregnant when you have been using the implant is...well, not reality.

But have you looked through that piece? If not, it does address some of the steps to take post breakup it seems you are asking about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just to try and be clear again, this kind of thinking is one of the many reasons why I keep talking about counseling, because it strongly suggests that something is pretty amiss with the way you are thinking about this to, say, leap to thinking you should manage a nearly-impossible scenario, or rush to change something about your own healthcare you either made a decision about carefully (or didn't, and made it impulsively, or about some wonky things, when it should have been a careful decision about you, for the long-term, just you, not about one current relationship).

So, I hear you saying you don't think this is what a counselor helps with. But it is.

And it is the kind of help I, again, strongly feel you need, a kind you keep asking us for in some ways and that I do not know how many more ways to say we simply do not have the ability or capacity to provide.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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I read those ten steps- they are absolutely right.

I'm scared of how ill feel tomorrow, though. im scared, suddenly, I wont be able to cope and just break down. for some reason, ive messaged people close to me to tell them, I dont think I could bear to say it face to face. im meeting up with a friend on Thursday, and working a lot during the week. I called in sick today so we could get this sorted, but I'm scared of what it will be like if we're working together.

I...also messaged his parents. perhaps it wasn't the best idea, and I said so- I wished them well and thanked them for their kindness over the past year and a half. they replied with hope you're okay, we wish you the best too' I'm still scared they hate me. I know it was only this morning, but I feel so strange and reaching out to anyone.

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Heather
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Well, tomorrow, you will be taking the steps to seek out therapy, no? You have mentioned before this is available through your employer, so you can even take those steps, likely, first thing by just coming to work a little early.

And if you feel you are in such a space that you need immediate crisis care, you can make that clear, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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i went to my dr and explained, she said she'd try and get me back on the list for counselling, so thats something i suppose. but ill still get in touch with the retail trust about their counselling.

i would like to talk if i can about the pregnancy test: i know i have to take one, not because im jumping to conclusions about if i am or not but because i feel its necessary. but, obviously, if i was pregnant then that changes things between me and him, and i am scared everything will be ten times worse if i am :'( what do you think would be the best course of action for making it as stress free as possible? im thinking of taking someone with me.

[ 04-07-2014, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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MaddleyLove
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im sorry to bump, but things have been harder today :'( i had my first shift back after a week off and it was so weird, i almost didnt think i could cope :'(
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Sam W
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I'm sorry things have been harder today. Have you gotten in touch with the retail trust about counseling? If not, then that needs to be your next step, with some self care in the interim.

As far as taking someone with you to get a pregnancy test, if you feel that it will help you be less stressed, then that is a sound plan

[ 04-08-2014, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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MaddleyLove
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oh, i did get in contact with the retail trust, they sent a message saying someone will be in touch [Frown] im so scared to take one, though. telling my parents and him...i cant think of anything worse. im struggling to find that voice inside me that says everythings going to be ok.
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Sam W
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That's good, and I hope they get in touch soon. Focusing on getting counseling (and on the suggestions made in the break-up article) is, I think, the best use of your energy at this moment.

Again, taking a pregnancy test is up to you, depending on what you think would help you relieve stress most effectively. It may also be helpful to review the previous conversations you've had here regarding the implant and pregnancy.

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MaddleyLove
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[ 04-09-2014, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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MaddleyLove
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i read them every day but still its not 100%.
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Heather
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No one is going to be 100% over a breakup -- or sure is not likely to -- so fast, if that is what you mean. Getting over any kind of loss takes time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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oops, my mistake- i was pertaining to rereading our conversations about the implant, as suggested by Sam W. i was saying how i read through the conversations but still i am anxious because the implant isnt 100% effective.
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Heather
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I can only assume you chose the method you did carefully, and doing so understanding that while NO method is 100% effective all by itself, this one is beyond unlikely to fail.

Personally, I think you are either worried about pregnancy irrationally due to the anxiety you have yet to get adequately treated, or because you are looking for a crisis or some way to gold unto this relationship. Because in reality, you are not going to be pregnant.

I think your best bet here is to figure out what is really going on with you, and take steps to deal with that, rather than distracting yourself with a pregnancy scare when you are more likely to get struck by lightning than to have become pregnant using this method.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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i didnt get a test. walked to the cash clinic but couldnt go in :'( and now i feel even worse, if thats possible.
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Heather
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As you know, I already feel that you focusing on pregnancy is a distraction and a diversion, given that is it beyond unlikely you are pregnant.

So, discussion about you being unable to get a test you do not need in the first place simply does not strike me asa. Sound use of our time and energy, nor your own.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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