Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Stay friends, or end it?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Stay friends, or end it?
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Last weekend a very good friend of mine and I got in a fight, which ended up with her ignoring me and avoidance on both sides. Eventually she did tell me she wasn't mad anymore, but still disappointed. Her parents and boyfriend are still angry at me, which makea matters worse. I basically got really drunk at a friends outing that I didn't want to go to and didn't feel comfortable with. If I didn't go I would've gotten griped out by an array of friends.


I'm close with this friend, but we've been rocky before. She's ignored me for months on end after making up with another friend, even though that friend gets her angry for being rude all the time. Anyway, I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. For one, I feel like her family is going to judge me or be upset that were friends, since they're precenting us from hanging out currently. And I honestly don't understand why she's so upset by that, and that's something that's kind of a part of me. I'm not going to give up alcohol for good. I don't know, I just feel to on edge to be comfortable around her but I don't know how to break it off for good. She still wants to be friends. And part of me is thinking I'm taking this so hard because I just got out of a relationship.

Suggestions?

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi jayjay,

Sounds like an unpleasant situation.

I want to ask, is there anything in particular that you are getting out of this relationship? Some part of being with this person that you like? Or is it pretty much stress all the time?

And if you decide to break it off, would you be more comfortable with a total cutting the person off, or just scaling back how much time you spend with them?

From here, it looks like you two have a not-so-great dynamic going on between you. Especially they part where you say you feel on edge around her. That's a sign that this is a person who you might want to see less of, if you keep seeing them at all.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, its not typically stressful for me to hang out with her. And I really enjoy her company, we enjoy the same things and can goof with each other. I got irritated before not because she was hanging out with an old friend, but because I was completely excluded for months. When I had time and tried to hang out, she couldn't or didn't want to, or was said.

Part of my problem with her being disappointed is i dont know what all I did wrong. She's adament she's worried I have a drinking problem, without thinking about my sour mood to begin that day and the fact that I didn't want to go with that group. Yes, I drank, and I'm sure I embarrassed myself some, but that's better than going off on someone or cussing them out.

And like I just feel that her parents and boyfriend will always think I'm a bad friend, or that she'll think I'm just a horrid drunk, or that I want to be friends with her because I apparently admitted I was a little bisexual. Like I personally always thought I was a horrid person to begin with, so all of that on top of it shed be better off.

I don't think I could handle weaning out of her friendship if we were to part ways, I couldn't do it. But she was really my one friend so it feels like I'm walking around pointless without her. I'm just a petty person that keeps those thoughts at bay, so she doesn't know that I'm upset or jealous at times.

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, so it sounds like step one may be weighing the pros and cons of staying friends with her at the level you are now vs the pros and cons of no longer being friends.

Has she said something to you that gives you the sense that her bf/parents look down on you?

I also want to ask about what your social circle is like beyond her? You say she's your only friend, but are there other folks who are right on that borderline between acquaintance and friend that you could spend more time with?

It looks like you've come to us before with concerns about your self esteem. Have you tried any of the suggestions that were brought up previously?

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
As far as her parents and boyfriend disapproving of me, she's toldmle during one of the few times we've texted. I had said something to her, and she said we can't be seen together because they were all upset. I already know her mother never really approved of me by the way she acted towards me.

Outside of her, I have few people I talk to at all. I visit my family a lot more now, but that's about it. I had one friend who spent the last months getting her life together so she has been low key. Other than that, no I don't hang out with anyone.

I've been working hard on my esteem. I push my limits, go out and mingle, and I talk more to people. I've even been trying to date. But that didn't work out we'll, which probably didn't help out my self esteem. I think my stress has been weakening my Zoloft.

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I assume you already know that mixing booze with antidepressants is a very bad idea? I know that is a side issue, but taking big risks with your health and doing something which makes depression worse probably is just not going to help you out right now. Stress is not likely to create a problem with your medication working, but the hooch sure is.

I wonder, with this friend, if you might be able to pick a time to see each other, where you take turns each expressing your own concerns and feelings while the other just listens? Would you be up to that, and might they be?

Too, only having the one friend is bound to put some strain on that friendship all by itself. How about starting to work on a long term plan to try and make some additional friends?

[ 04-03-2014, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I'm aware it's not a good idea. I fortunately don't drink that often, with months between. I'm also not sure if I can handle that situation with her without our feelings getting hurt or angry. Its like she doesn't understand how I feel about this, or why I now can't handle being around her later on even if that's what she wants.

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, are you saying you feel the communication between you two has completely broken down, to the point that even a situation where you both get to kindly (if you both speak with kindness, hurting the other person is unlikely) have your say, without interruptions, and with a promise to listen - and mutual permission to feel hurt or angry, if either of you do - is not something you see either of you as being able to do at this point?

If so, then I have to say, it sounds like it may be time to move on and say goodbyes, or, at least, just give each other some real space and time to regroup and process before trying to even communicate at all.

[ 04-03-2014, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We've texted, since she can't be seen with me right now. I don't think our communication is that far gone. Right now it feels like she doesn't want to take my suggestion of closing our friendship seriously, like I'm only saying it because I'm upset. I don't know how to make her understand how uncomfortable I'll always feel, either of her or her parents. She says they don't judge like that, but if they didn't we wouldn't have to avoid each other. It also irks me that she has started to act like nothing happened. I honestly don't want to end the friendship, I just don't know how to handle it.

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Then I think, as Heather said, that you may have to make the decision to end the friendship. And you may have to do that without discussing it with her (if she is indeed unwilling to talk with you openly ans seriously about what is going on).
When you say you don't know how to handle it. are you referring to the actual mechanics of ending the friendship, or how to deal with any emotions that come as a result of doing so?

[ 04-03-2014, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jayjay92
Neophyte
Member # 96171

Icon 1 posted      Profile for jayjay92     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well I did end up having a long conversation and ended up working things out. My aunt kind of helped me think my thoughts through. It was a wasted effort though, her parents want her to have nothing to do for me so we couldn't remain normal friends anyway.

--------------------
Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3