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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friends to Dating

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Author Topic: Friends to Dating
Member # 108007

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This isn't a question about me, it's based on a question I read elsewhere, so don't feel there's any rush to answer it. [Smile] I'm just curious.

The writer said that he had had a crush on his best friend for a long time. The two of them had recently taken a road trip together, and while on it had had sex. It was great. Afterward, they decided to start dating. The writer didn't want to have sex again for awhile, until the relationship got more serious, because he always waited until relationships got more serious to have sex and felt most comfortable that way. He was asking advice how to bring this up to his best-friend-now-girlfriend.

The columnist's answer was that this didn't make any sense. He'd decided to have sex with her, and the sex was good, and then he'd decided to be in a relationship, so why stop having sex now? Telling her he wanted to stop would just convince her that he didn't want a relationship after all. She would feel 'friend-zoned' (sidenote: I hate that word) and the relationship would be over. So basically, the columnist said, if you want to develop a relationship with her, you're going to have to get over it and have sex. End of story.

(Even better, one of the commenters on this wanted to slap him for being a tool.)

Usually, if the people here at Scarleteen wouldn't agree with the answer an advice columnist gave, I can figure out what you would say instead (and I usually agree). But in this case I wasn't sure. I assume that if he didn't want to have sex with her, he shouldn't. (That seems to be a given around here; one of the few places.) But what's the rest of the answer?

~Bee o( l l )-

Posts: 24 | From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Yeah, absolutely I would say that if this guy doesn't want to have sex with his girlfriend, he shouldn't just "get over it" and have sex with her. I would say that to anyone, in any relationship, because that's a core component of healthy sexual relationships. If both people having sex aren't enthusiastically consenting to it and excited about it, that's no way to build a healthy, lasting relationship.

Sure, if his now-girlfriend wants to have sex now, it might be a source of conflict between them, but that's where communication comes in. Maybe there are kinds of sex he'd be ok with! Maybe they can find other ways to be intimate & close with one another that make them both feel valued in the relationship.
So I'd tell this person that it's a good idea to talk to his girlfriend as soon as possible, explain his comfort level with when he'd like to have sex in a relationship, and continue the conversation from there.

It's possible that someone might break up with a partner over that, if it was really important for them to have sex. But I'd take a breakup over forcing myself into sex I didn't want any day.

(Can you tell that the response given in this advice column makes me pretty angry?)

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Sam W
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Member # 108189

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So, I can't speak for other scarleteeners, but were this guy to write in here, I would likely have an answer similar to the one you guessed at. That is, that if he feels more comfortable dialing back the sexual contact, then that's totally OK. Relationships and sex are not some linear process wherein if you've had sex you must keep doing so in order to "develop" the relationship. I would also say that if this is what he feels, he needs to mention this sooner rather than later so that the two of them can discuss how to proceed. And, if they haven't already, maybe have an explicit discussion about what kind of relationship they are both looking for at the moment.
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Member # 79774

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Mo and Sam have already given excellent answers, but I can't resist putting my oar in too [Smile] I agree with them, and will try not to repeat the same things!

The original advice Kaizen describes is Terrible. Please nobody do that! Having sex with someone, or cuddling with them, or much anything, really, when you don't really want to and/or are not at all comfortable with it is a very likely way of sending them the message that everything's not ok and you're not happy. Probable success rate for intended aim: very low to none.

I can only imagine that the person who wrote it lives in a parallel universe where people can't speak to each other, or sign to each other, or write letters or notes, or pigeon-post, or anything... If the asker just says nothing at all and tries to dodge sex, then it probably would be awkward and she probably would wonder what was going on and if he'd gone off her. But, we have communication methods!

Personally, I am struggling to see this as anything other than a non-problem. If Person B is into Person A and thinks they might get serious, and Person A says "When we hooked up before, it was fun! Um, I really like how this is going, I'm feeling really good about you and I together, and I feel like this could be something really meaningful, and I would really like to find out! The thing is, when something's meaningful to me, I need to take it fairly slow. I don't feel ready for us to be sexual again for while. ... Does that work for you?" - the vast majority of Person Bs are going to think "A likes me too!!!!" Even if they feel some disappointment about delaying sex for a while.

I feel like the original advice was absolutely embedded - in the minds of the columnist, commenters, and assuming that the woman would think it too - in the idea that men want sex, that if a man doesn't want sex it means something's wrong, and probably with the woman. That it's a personal affront to a woman if a man doesn't want sex with her. Yuck. Although that stereotype is alive and well, most of the world is not really like that, and most people, when hearing "I really like you and I need to take it slow because this is a significant thing for me", will really hear that message and be happy about it rather than scrambling it into "you're not attractive enough/you did something wrong/I'm not that bothered".

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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