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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't want bad sex to mean the end of us..

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Author Topic: I don't want bad sex to mean the end of us..
Member # 109726

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Hey Scarleteen. I remember finding this message board years ago when I was a young teenager with a lot of questions and I was thankful for the information here. Having become a wife recently, it seems the questions only change. I just want to say thanks to whoever takes the time to read and help me out with this.

Any research I've done outside this website indicate that our relationship is essentially doomed because of how incompatible we are. If two people can't ride the critical waves of passion together then the rest won't stick. I've always believed this, and for the most part I've always had relationships with good sex! I have a really healthy sex drive but the fact that I hate sex with my husband so much makes that drive almost entirely go away. I can only get myself to be physical with him (in any way at all, even simple ones) when I'm ovulating because my body just can't go without it anymore.

He suffers from PE. And sometimes his anxiety over it get so bad he then suffers from impotence. Some days I feel so frustrated I just cannot hide it. I hate getting into the moment because the moment doesn't last more than 2-3 thrusts. Sometimes even faster, I'm not exaggerating.

He is also not very endowed, which means many stimulating positions are out of the question for us because his penis simply cannot reach. This is very maddening!

There are just so many reasons why he doesn't fit me sexually and I'm no good for him in return because I'm not very good at "support", I guess. I mean, I don't even know what to do with all this. The best I can do to not hurt his feelings is bottle it up - which we all know isn't awesome. Us as people are great at communication but this is such a crappy subject to be talking about in this way… We've already tried extra toys, lubes and condoms meant for endurance, he's personally tried every 'method' out there for controlling this and it doesn't help. NOTHING helps.

Sex is so important to me and I really hate that we're in this place of incompatibility but I can't deny it. If things were different we probably would not be together but I WANT to make it, despite this. I just don't know how to live with it. I guess I don't know what I'm asking for here but an expert ear to listen and maybe some words that will help rationalize this in my own mind. I love him I just really HATE our sex life, and I don't know how to get past my sexual needs to make our marriage work in the future. I don't want this to get so bad it ends us. I need help in some way…

Thank you again for listening.

Figuring it out.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi 20something,

So, as much as you are correct that issues around sex are sometimes hard to talk about, not discussing this issue with him is not going to help either of you. From your description, it sounds like you have been communicating, at least a little bit, since you've been trying different approaches (like sex toys). If nothing else, you two need to discuss how you are each feeling with your sex life, what your ideal outcomes would be, and what steps you are willing to take to achieve those outcomes.

I also think it might be helpful for you to maybe focus on broadening your sense of sexual pleasure and fulfillment so that the pressure is not always on for you to be satisfied via vaginal penetration alone.
Yield for Pleasure
What's Sex?

I also think this article might be helpful. As you've said, his anxiety is likely the cause of him having trouble maintaining erection and obviously, the added pressure to avoid making you frustrated has the potential to cause an unhelpful cycle
ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

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Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

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Extra to what Sam said, I have some questions that may help you and us figure out helpful ways forward.

Can you tell us a little about the sexual history of this relationship - for example, has it always been like this, or have things changed? How long have you been sexual together?

You said "there are just so many reasons why he doesn't fit me sexually". You mentioned that you don't find intercourse with him physically satisfying and that he ejaculates quickly during intercourse. Are there more ways than that that you feel the two of you aren't fitting? When you talked about different approaches, it sounded as if those approaches were geared towards him keeping erection. Have you tried different kinds of sex for you, different ways of satisfying you, either with him or by yourself?

How do you feel about this relationship in other ways? What did you mean by "If things were different we probably would not be together"?

Are you and he physical together in non-sexual ways, for example cuddles, hand-holding, massages? How is that for you?

I would really suggest mentally stepping far away from "no passion = no relationship" messages that are so very common. Realities of meaningful, committed and/or long-term relationships are truly much more complex than that. It's true that significant unhappiness in one or both partners and/or a significant lack of needs being met for one or both partners does result in relationship difficulties, but that's true of any topic and is absolutely not unique to sex. I think it might help you to make sure that sex is not in its own quasi-mystical "must be right" category but is simply another thing. In this case, or perhaps for you generally, it's a thing where you have important wants and needs. You absolutely get to have those - but you would get to have them no matter what topic they were about.

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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