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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Too soon to be worried?

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Author Topic: Too soon to be worried?
Member # 96171

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I go through these periods where I do nothing but over think things that end up upsetting me, like right now.

I'm still young, but I've never been in a relationship. I've been with people before, sexually, but it was inappropriate and ultimately just physical satisfaction. But I see people all around me like my mom and stepdad, aunt and uncle, friends who have dated someone for years. I want that, so bad. I want someone to hang out with, to go out with, to cheer up when they're down, to hold and love, someone I can go to with my fears and cry and know I'd do the same.

I've never had that, and as time goes on I keep thinking how worse and worse it has gotten. Like will I be thirty and still be alone? Never have kids? Never have the wedding everyone expects me to have? I really feel like throwing in the towel sometimes and just saying forget it. I know I don't put myself out there but I don't know how to. I've tried online since i haven't had luck in person and all I find are creeps.

Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Member # 44338

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First of all, I want you to know that you're not the only one who feels this way. Lots of people, myself included, feel this way some (or way more than some) of the time.

In response to your questions, I think it's just most helpful if I talk about how these sorts of things are going for me. I hope you don't feel like I'm hijacking your thread, and if you do I'll totally delete my response.

I haven't yet conquered my feelings that I want to date someone and be in a meaningful relationship with them yet, so I can't provide a perfect answer (not that there would be a one-size-fits-all approach anyways), but I can tell you what I've been doing to feel better about this.

First of all, I recognize that dating is not requisite. It is not something that I need to do. It is optional, a choice, even if dating isn't a choice I get to make right now.

Second, I'm not ready to date right now. It sounds like a cliché that someone might say to get over the fact that they're not dating anyone, but I am really not at a place in my life where I have the time or energy to put into forging a relationship with another person. Relationships take maintenance, and caring for another person. Just a whole big series of things that make me exhausted to think about. Sure, there are numerous benefits to relationships, but for me, right now the cost outweighs the benefits. I need to put all this energy into myself.

But the biggest thing that gets me through my worst feelings about all of this is that I am dating someone: myself. I think it was on one of the articles here that I read the idea that one can date oneself. So, what exactly does this look like? Well, I don't hold my own hand, or anything like that. But if there is something I would want a partner to be doing for me, or that I would want to be doing for a partner, I do it for myself. Feel like a coffee date? I take myself out. Want to [insert whatever] I [the same whatever] with myself.

And it really helps to remind myself that I am in a caring, loving relationship with someone (me) who will be there, unconditionally, forever and (bonus!) whose mind I can read so I don't have to wonder exactly how they feel about me.

Seriously, dating myself felt funny at first, and its not something I do all the time, but it really helps.

I still want a relationship with someone else, but I'm working on being actually, fully okay with being alone, and the above is helping.

I hope my explanation of how I cope helps, and I hope it was okay talking about myself on your thread so much.


I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 96171

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I really like your coping ideas. I've honestly done something similar like that for the last couple of years. Like while I was in college I kind of accepted the fact I didn't have time to date and didn't want my degree to take any longer than it needed to. And I still continue to date myself. Like if I want to go out or get a bite I'm going to do it and enjoy myself, it's just at the point that it isn't sufficing anymore. I still take myself out, but I want someone to share that with. I'm done with college, it have nothing holding me back. I'm just not having any luck doing it.

Go with the flow!

Posts: 30 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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