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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » the one who got away

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Author Topic: the one who got away
Member # 47030

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I met an amazing guy in December, and we dated for what was basically a perfect 6 weeks... but then his job transferred him to another country. He has a great high-paying job that he loves, so I completely understand that he chose the job over me, a girl he'd known about a month. We discussed a long-distance relationship, with the end game of me eventually moving to his new country (I don't have much attachment to my current location), but eventually we both decided just to break things off because immigrating to his new country would be VERY difficult for me. (It was a pain for him, but much easier due to his job and work connections.) It's very unlikely that he would ever move back to my country, let alone my town, because of the career track he's on. I'm upset about the breakup, but I don't regret knowing this guy, and I'll still get to see him occasionally when he visits my town (which is his hometown).

My problem is that I'm having a lot of trouble getting over him. With all of my past relationships, the breakup happened because of incompatibility, so it's always been relatively easy for me to bounce back. But this guy and I were great together, and I had no complaints about him at all. It's been a month since he moved away, and I'm still moping. I've never been sad for a month over ANY breakup, even with relationships that have lasted multiple years. And I think my problem is that I didn't know him long enough to find any big flaws or things that may have become problems later, so he's staying perfect in my head. I just feel like I wasn't done with him yet, and I can't stop thinking about what might have been.

Is there something that I can do to get myself over this? I don't want to start dating again, because I don't feel that would be fair to the other person since I'm clearly hung up on someone else. I'm spending extra time with my friends (who have been awesomely supportive), and I'm throwing myself into work and hobbies, but every night I'm crying myself to sleep because I can't seem to let go.

Because if I'm being honest... there's a stupid little part of myself that's desperately hoping that something will go awry with his job and he'll move back here. How can I force myself to let it go?

Posts: 12 | From: USA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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I hear you that letting go when a relationship does not even really get started for reasons like this - sudden death in newer relationships can be similar, as can something good just not being something people move forward for other more mundane reasons. It does tend to be harder to let it go, in part because, I think, the attachment we feel is to possibility, more than the other person.

In other words, all you saw was some good stuff and a good connection, but then what looked like an open road of nothing but good stuff. Even though you and I know over time, as with any relationship, there would of course be issues and challenges, and maybe even incompatibilities, it is a lot harder to imagine what those would be abstractly than to imagine all the good stuff.

What do you think, right mow, might help you to resolve these feelings and move forward? What have you tried so far besides what you have mentioned? Do you feel like talking with him about it more would help?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47030

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Thanks for the response, Heather. I've considered the possibility of talking to him about this, but I'm honestly too embarrassed. Part of me feels like I'd be bothering him, because he's trying to adapt to so many new things right now. And part of me doesn't want to bog him down with a big feelings-bomb. My friend noticed that he's back on OkCupid already, and I don't begrudge him that -- we had a clean break, and OkC can be a good way to find people to go out with when you don't know anyone around. So I guess I feel like he's moving on, and I don't want to screw that up for him or to be a source of drama/annoyance. Because I would definitely like to get to a place where I can be friends with this guy, but right now I feel like I'm just faking my way to that point. Like, I have a mini heart attack whenever I get a Facebook message from him, even though we're just talking about a TV show we both watch. I'm playing it cool on the outside, but I'm so very not cool on the inside!

I totally get what you're saying about being attached to possibility, and I agree that's a big part of what's going on here. This whole situation has been reminding me of how I felt about my middle-school crush -- a guy that I barely spoke to, but I had this big fantasy of him built up in my head based on our brief interactions. It took me longer to get over that crush than it's taken me to get over any actual relationship I've ever had, and I'm just trying to avoid having that happen here!

Staying busy with friends/work/hobbies has been my main way of coping right now. I started exercising again after a few months off, so hopefully that will start to help. I'm journaling A LOT. I'm also trying to let myself feel my feelings but without wallowing. Like, if I'm hit with a big wave of sadness, I'll take 5 minutes to let myself mope, but then I'll go on about my day. And maybe I'll still feel sad, but it will be on the back burner while I get other things done.

I thought about seeing a therapist but... Honestly, this entire situation embarrasses me. I mean, he's a great guy and all, but I was only with him for a brief time. And I'm aware that there are lots of people out there that I'd be compatible with. I can get on board with all of this logically, and it annoys me that my feelings won't go along with that! Maybe this is just one of those situations where nothing will help but time?

Posts: 12 | From: USA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
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I think all of those coping strategies are really sound, and strike a good balance of letting you feel what you feel without it hijacking your life.

You are probably right in your feeling that this is something that will, ultimately, be helped the most by time. Now, I totally get the desire not to FEELINGS-bomb him, and I think that avoiding such an interaction is a good plan.

But, do you think that taking a break from interaction with him of any kind would be helpful? Sometimes, when we're getting over someone, we need a full stop that allows us to work through of sadness at the loss of a potential romance and recalibrate. Once that's done, you can reconnect as friends. And the break doesn't have to manifest as "I have to recover from all these FEELINGS that you caused" drama, although it will likely require you to explain your feelings a little. Does that sound like something you think would be helpful for you?

[ 02-27-2014, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Member # 47030

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Thanks for the input, Sam. I've actually been trying to keep communication with him to a minimum, so we'll maybe exchange a few Facebook messages back and forth a couple times per week, and it's always just about some common interest of ours, nothing serious.

I think I'd be too embarrassed at this point to ask him to cut off contact for a while, since a whole month has already gone by since we broke things off. I don't want him to think that I'm just sitting around pining for him, though I don't know why it's so important to me to save face here. I guess maybe because he seems so unfazed by everything. And again, I don't begrudge him that, but I do envy it!

But I think I'll keep the no-contact idea in my back pocket, just in case! I have a friend visiting me from out of town in the beginning of April, and I keep using her trip as kind of a deadline for myself -- if I'm still a mess by the time she gets here, then something serious needs to be done. But I'm hoping that I'll be more or less back to normal by then. I'm just really impatient when it comes to stuff like this, but the only way to get through is to get through, right?

Talking about it here has made me feel better though. Thanks for giving me some ideas and new ways to think about everything! It's very much appreciated.

Posts: 12 | From: USA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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