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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Missin Mom

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Author Topic: Missin Mom
xoxHayleyBabeyxox
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Member # 93984

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Hey, so I'll fill you in and hopefully someone will be able to give me some advice :-(.

I'm 22 years old, my parents for divorced when I was 4. From then on I lived with my mom for the school year and my dad for the holidays.

My dad remarried when I was 10 to a woman I don't really get along with and my mom also remarried.

Seeing as I was living with my mom the majority of the time her relationship issues had more of an impact on my life. By the time I was a teenager my step father had become extremely controlling and verbally abusive. My mom had basically told me she wanted to leave but was stuck there for financial reasons. I'd always get involved in the fights to help/protect/stand up for my mom and eventually I ended up accidently being hurt.

It all ended pretty badly with restraining orders and cops but my mom left him after that (about 2 years ago)

I've always been really close to both of my parents, my mom in particular was like my best friend. Throughout her abusive relationship we spent a lot of time together.

When we eventually moved out I was over the moon to finally have a peaceful home with no fighting and no step parents in my opinion causing us extra problems.

I had been struggling with depression for the past couple of years and I feel like once all that stress with my step dad was over and done with I was finally in a place where I could just crumble and fall apart.

I tried counselling, medication and a variety of other things but didn't get any better.

About 6 months after we moved out of my step dads house my mom got a new boy friend. Also in order to pay the rent for the new house she had to start working full time.

I was shocked when she jumped straight into another relationship and was pretty disappointed I guess.

I went from spending a great deal of time with her and feeling like sisters to hardly ever seeing her.

She was working all day and staying at her new boyfriends every night and I started to get really lonely.

Basically stuff just got worse and worse between us. I just felt so abandoned, like she didn't need me anymore now that she has him. I complained about the fact that I thought we'd be like room mates but really I'm just living with her stuff.

I eventually moved out and she moved in with her boyfriend. Since then I've seen her even less.

I've tried talking to her so many times about this that she's just annoyed with me now. I do want her to be happy. I really do. I would never ask her to end a relationship for me I want her to have both. It just doesn't feel like she wants both.

I've told her how much I miss her and she never even says it back. I bet I don't even cross her mind. Really hurts to know I'm so upset by her absence in my life but she doesn't even seem to notice that I'm missing from hers.

I feel really bad for her that she has to work so hard and still struggles so much with money but I also feel like she's been absent from my life when I really needed her most.

She thinks this is all just the depression and that if I was like a 'normal' 22 year old I wouldn't care but at the same time none of my friends were as close to their moms as I was....

Am I being silly?? My mom makes me feel like I'm being so pathetic and clingy and needy. Is it fair for me to be upset?

I know most girls my age would by dying to move out and get away from their parents but I feel like I've just been moving around my whole life and have never really had a family or family home where I really felt like I fitted. I've never even been able to have a pet (something I've ALWAYS) wanted! Feel so pathetic saying it but even though I'm 22 all I really want is a mom and a dad and a family home :-(

Posts: 27 | From: Rockin the nation from a secret location | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think, particularly given all of the history here, it is very understandable you are feeling the way that you are.

It also sounds like there may be a bit of a pattern with your Mom in terms of putting children second to the men in her life, if I am hearing the history here right, so it may well be that like you are saying you would like some more time to be parented by her, it sounds like she may be a bit behind with learning to really do that, if you get me.

The things you have said here, have you said them to her? Maybe in a letter? How about asking for more time: when you ask her to spend time with you, like scheduling a day off together or a dinner, how does that go? If she keeps declining, what does she say when she does that?

One thing I can add is that no matter how this comes out, it might be possible to establish a similar kind of relationship, mother and daughter, with say, other older women you may have access to in that regard, like through a mentorship situation. When we have had an absence of certain important figures in our lives, even if and when those actual people are not willing to step up, other people may be, and that can really help fill that gap a lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xoxHayleyBabeyxox
Neophyte
Member # 93984

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I never felt like she put my step dad first I just felt like she was WAY WAY to passive and was trapped there because of fear and money. However I feel like since she got divorced she's gone from being unemployed to working full time so she's obviously much busier and the new boyfriend is most definitely higher up on her list of priorities than me.

Her days of work are spent with him and his kids and I mostly just get rushed phone calls or she'll stop by for an hour to give me money.

I understand that she's much busier than before and I suppose she's entitled to spend her days off with whoever she wants I'm just shocked I guess.

Yes I've told her all of this. Her side of the argument would be that this is because I'm depressed and I need to sort myself out first. She can't make me happy, only I can and that I'm basically abnormal or have problems because I'm so upset about this which is kinda making me start to doubt myself.

She knows I miss her and would like to see her more. I've been REALLY honest about it and have done everything from fighting to crying hysterically about it since she started seeing him a year ago. I don't want to force her to spend time with me, I want her to WANT to spend time with me.

Thanks for the quick reply.

Posts: 27 | From: Rockin the nation from a secret location | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I completely understand.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have communicated what you want and it is not changing anything. That given, it seems like your next steps are figuring out alternatives to get these needs met or to ways of dealing with the disappointment of not having them met.

Who else in your life right now do you have for emotional support and for spending time with in general? What about that idea about finding other mother- figures in your life right now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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