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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Needing help with getting over an ex

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Author Topic: Needing help with getting over an ex
Alixana
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Member # 109340

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Hi!

I'm a girl in my early twenties who is still in love with my ex.

We were together for only about 2-3 months (though after quite a long period of being in love and flirting) nearly a year ago. I was very happy with the relationship and thought he was to, but then he broke up with me quite suddenly.

Apparently, he has a really hard time getting close to people (he told me this himself), also with friends.

This made me very sad, both because I really liked him a lot and wanted to be with him, but also because it seems like his inability to get close to people seems to be causing him pain. I think he would want to be able to be close to people. I advisedhim to maybe try to go see a theraphist or counselor or something to help figure stuff out, but I don't think he did. I'm afraid he thinks there's something wrong with him.

Sorry for rambling on and on, the problem I meant to talk about was my inability to get over him. It's been something like 10 months after only a 2-3 months relationship, and I'm still not over it.

I would like us to be friends, because he's such a nice person that I don't want him to disappear out of my life totally. Anyways, that wouldn't be practically possible, since we have a lot of common friends and also have a class togheter this semester.

Sometimes when we hang out in the company of friends, we can act "normal" and enjoy ourselves. But sometimes it all really weird and awkward. Also, I find that my mood depends very much on how much attention he gives me. If he jokes and talks to me, I become happy, if he doesn't talk that much to me I become sad.

I know I can't go along like that, and that I really have to supress the part of me that still hopes that we'll get back togheter, but I don't know how to do it.

[ 02-01-2014, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Alixana ]

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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Hi Alixana, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Getting over a relationship can definitely be tough. We have a great article on this that you might find helpful: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Something that's touched on in that article that I want to highlight is that it's important (in general, but especially any time you're recovering from a breakup or any loss of part of your social group/support system) to be proactive in finding interesting and exciting things to be involved in, so you can interact with more people and have some stuff in your life that you can feel good about. That might be joining hobby-related groups, working on personal artistic projects, learning a new sport or skill, joining a book club...
I think being happier in your own life can make it easier to work past sad feelings after a breakup, and easier to detach your feelings of self-worth from this guy's treatment of you.

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Alixana
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Member # 109340

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Hi again. Sorry for not responding for so long. I guess I was a bit ashamedof not being able to follow the advice in the article very well.

I've been trying to do stuff I find fun, but since I'm also struggling with depression (that I had before I knew this guy) it's not easy to motivate myself.

I've also started seeing another guy. He's kind, feminist, and fun to be around. Logically, I should be in love with him, but I'm not sure I am, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm just not that into him even though he's a great person, or because my depression makes me unable to feel good emotions as strongly.

The reason I'm writing now is because of a dream I had last night. Basically, in the dream guy nr. 1 told me he wanted to be together again, and I was so happy. When I woke up, it took me a few seconds to realize it had just been a dream, and then I felt horrible.

I feel ashamed and guilty now, because I probably shouldn't be seeing this other guy when I'm clearly not over the first guy. What if I'm only using the second guy because it feels nice to have someone you feel likes you?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Are you getting treatment for your depression?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alixana
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Yes, I'm seeing a therapist and started on medication a couple of weeks ago.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Fantastic. Are you also asking for their help and support around your breakup?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alixana
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Well, I have mentioned it to her, but we haven't talked much about it.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Given you clearly want help with it and to talk about it, how about you ask to do that, then?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alixana
Neophyte
Member # 109340

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I don't know. I don't know if I'm comfortable enough with my therapist to talk about it with her? Like, I know I should be over him, since it was so long ago, and I'm ashamed that I'm not. Even writing about it here is hard.

Sorry for being so pathetic.

[ 04-05-2014, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: Alixana ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I don't think you're pathetic. I just think that, like you said, you're obviously someone having a hard time letting go and moving forward.

But you know, these kinds of "stuck" places really are exactly what counseling is so great for. So, how about taking a positive risk and first trying to talk to your therapist about this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kaizen
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Definitely not pathetic. I was in exactly the same place. (Except the guy I was hung up on had cut off the relationship within a week, before it was even official. If either of us is pathetic, it's me. [Wink] )

About ten months after said incident, I started seeing a counselor at my college, and one of the main things we talked about the first couple times was The Guy and my feelings towards him. The way I saw it, it's the job of a counselor to listen to your problems and help you solve them, right? That's what they signed up for when they picked that as a career. And even if they did think you were being silly, they're still responsible for helping you and can't talk to anyone else about it, so really it's about the safest environment that exists.

And talking to him really did help. In fact, one of the first things he did was to assure me that I wasn't being ridiculous, just, like Heather put it, a bit "stuck".

Oh, and on Guy #2? You said you're just 'seeing' him, so I'm going to assume you're just going on dates/hanging out, no official label or commitment. In that case I don't think you're being disrespectful to him at all. And as long as you appreciate qualities that he actually has, I don't think you're 'using' him for his kindness to you either. [Smile] There's no shame in being happy that someone likes you! If you really think he's getting attached to you or expecting something more, you could bring it up, but otherwise just enjoy how things are for now and see how it turns out.

--------------------
~Bee o( l l )-

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