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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » mother won't let me get more intimate with my boyfriend

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Author Topic: mother won't let me get more intimate with my boyfriend
Member # 109113

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Hello, Scarleteen staff! My name is Akemi, I'm 21 years old and so is my boyfriend. We're both virgins. We've been dating for 3 years and 7 months now. He's really kind and patient, we never got even close to have a fight, we get along really well and are really in love with each other. My parents like my boyfriend, they say he's a good guy and they're ok with our relationship. My parents trust me a lot, and they wouldn't have a reason not to do so, 'cause I never lied to them and never did anything wrong.
Me and my boyfriend started with only pecks, we learned kissing together, and our intimacy grew really slowly, so after like, 2 years of dating, we started cuddling more, and now our cuddle sessions are starting to get closer and closer to sex, but all happened naturally and he never pressured me into doing anything, never did anything I didn't want him to. We have our limits, as I told him I'm almost ready for sex but still have to see a doctor and have him put me on the pill, and only after that I'll let things progress naturally. My boyfriend is obviously ready but he respects my limits, he said he'll wait the time it takes for me to be ready and that I don't need to feel pressured, 'cause he wants it to happen only when I'm ready for sure. Even if we aren't having sex, he still Always have condoms with him, he said he would never risk ruining my life with an unplanned pregnancy.
Ok, I'm very happy with my boyfriend but the problem is my mother! She likes my boyfriend, but she was expecting us to be only hugging and giving pecks and holding hands, after 4 years and the age we are! She was imagining things were like that, but I thought it was obvious that things changed a little (and we're pretty slow compared to normal couples). But she would always buy me childish, flowered cotton panties and brown bras that looked like something my grandma would use, so one day I asked her to buy some cuter underwear, and I used this opportunity to say that I didn't mind how it looked before but now I'm not the only one who will see it. She was surprised but she did seem to support me, she helped me choosing a good one, and said we would have a conversation later. I was so happy. One day I already have prepared her saying "mom, what if I wanted to lose my virginity..?" and she acted like she was ok talking about it but was trying to talk me into giving up my plans to lose it. She never mentioned the subject again. If I didn't have seek for information online in safe sites like scarleteen and such, and didnt have a good boyfriend, I could even be pregnant now, thinking babies come from cabbage patches.
Since I told her I'm getting more intimate with my boyfriend, she's making me really sad because she didn't talk to me about it, but when my boyfriend came to our house, we would be in my bedroom (with the doors open) having fun, chatting, and she kept telling my little sister to come and see if we're doing something! She says she trusts me and likes my boyfriend but all men are the same and once they get what they want, they leave. She now acts like we're both all hornomes and no brain and like we would do it anywhere, I bet she won't even let me sleepover at his place like I always did anymore. She never gave me information about sex, and she made me think for years that it's something dirty and prohibited, and was happy that I grew up saying that I never want to do it and that I don't know nothing about it. She doesn't want me to have safe sex, she want's me to think it doesn't exist.
Dear Scarleteen, what can I do to convince her that I'm mature enough to decide what I want to do with my own body, and protect me the way I think is the right: helping me to get the pills and talking about this important subject, as she's my best friend and the one I should trust more. She's making me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and making me feel dirty when I'm with my boyfriend.

Sorry for the really long text, and thank you for any advices you can come with. Sorry if I wasn't clear enough, my english is not very good.

Posts: 13 | From: Brazil | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, you probably can't convince her of these things. Clearly, she had some pretty deep-seeded beliefs, about men, about sex, and about you per you growing up. Changing those beliefs is not likely something you can do.

But what you can do is decide on what you want to do for yourself, without seeking her permission or approval. I understand you'd like it, that's clear, but it seems like you are not likely to get it anytime soon.

Additionally, given your age, it sounds like you need to perhaps consider changing some of the dynamics between you, like her having any say in you sleeping over at someone else's place at all, or her taking part in you getting birth control that you want. It seems to me these are things you not only will need to do on your own, but probably should do, both to start being more autonomous, but also so your mother can start to see a person who seems more like an adult to her. Do you know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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