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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sexual adventures, exhibitionism and consequences

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Author Topic: Sexual adventures, exhibitionism and consequences
marvioom
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I came here before quite a while ago and got some very helpful advice, which I took. I wanted to come back and say thanks again [Smile] I go to therapy now and it's still a work in progress but things are better

But different. You see part of accepting my body, disgusting bits and all, has been through showing it. I'm a camwhore now [Razz] And while I do get...negative reactions to my nudes in terms of whether I'm attractive or not, they're not getting to me as much as before. What does get to me is being called sad and pathetic for being an exhibitionist and seeking sexual attention (it's true that I'm attention seeking, but I need a sexual outlet like anyone else), and also being mocked for being a virgin (I think in one picture people saw my hymen). But seeing the positive reactions and the strange parts of people's sexuality has been interesting. People have a fetish for the kind of boobs that I have, and they romanticise the imperfections of my skin, rather than it being a defect

Either way I'd like some advice on getting over the comments on how pathetic a thing that I'm doing, and how slutty it is, because right now it's getting to me

Speaking of slutty, I'm not going to be losing my virginity to a boyfriend, (edited for reference to an illegal activity). And we'll continue hooking up. For now it's just mutual masturbation. Anyway, friends think this is cheap and that I'm going to miss out on the experience of losing it to a person I have feelings for, and who has feelings for me. So am I missing out?

There is another guy too (don't worry they both know about each other) who I mess around with.

I'm much less sexually frustrated and miserable now. Much, much less.

I don't want to get attached to either of these friends with benefits, any advice on how to avoid developing feelings for them?

Thanks

[ 01-20-2014, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin Lee
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Hi Marvioom,

Welcome back.

I first want to check in to see if you've discussed any of this with your therapist. While it's good to have other places for support, it's also essential for your therapy for your therapist to know what's going on with you.

While I appreciate that the term you used for your camera work may very well be the identity that you feel fits you best, we do ask people not to use terms here that are also used as insults. While I appreciate, too, that it may be meaningful to you to see your sexual choices as slutty, that too is a subjective term. In other words, what anyone chooses to do isn't slutty unless they think it is. Since this is a public forum, watching our language is for everyone's emotional safety. Thanks.


While it's really a grey area for us to talk about any form of sex work here (though what you're doing is legal in most places so long as you are a legal adult where you live), I do want to ask if you feel like this is something that is actually helpful to you, given how hard you're taking those negative comments? The negative comments are always going to be there, so it seems like maybe this is not a great choice for you given that you've started this as a way to boost your self-esteem, rather than coming to it with strong self-esteem already. See what I mean?

So, if you haven't done so already, I think talking to your therapist about all of this might be a good place for you to start, revisiting with them whether this approach to boosting your self-esteem is working for you.

Oh, also, most people aren't going to know what they're looking for as far as seeing a hymen in a picture, so I doubt those comments had anything to do with reality.

I edited your post the way I did because for your safety, and ours, talking about illegal activities is something we absolutely have to avoid.

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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Yes I've talked to my therapist about this, she just wanted to know whether what I was doing was safe. And also in terms of self esteem, it should come from within so when I do get negative comments about my body I just think 'I'm not their cup of tea' rather than break down.

So negative comments on my body aren't what's bothering me. I'm learning to accept my body, I'm not looking for universal approval of it. I need to accept it for what it is

What I do have a problem with is negative comments about my (sorry for my previous language) camera work, as in from people that I know who know what I'm doing, or people online. That it's 'sad' and 'pathetic' to be getting sexual attention online and enjoying it as a sexual outlet. That's what's getting to me, the comments on my appearance, not so much.

As for the hymen thing, a few people were like 'so you're a virgin' since the opening of the vagina is basically a slit rather than a hole, but either way it sort of got to me, being mocked for being a virgin.

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Heather
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Perhaps obviously, when it comes to people online, you both cannot control or likely have much influence about what they are saying, however you DO usually have the option of not reading them, or opening anything up where they can make comments.

With people in your life, are these people to whom you are close, and generally do a good job being sensitive with you about personal issues like this or not?

(Just FYI, the people voicing what they were were voicing a lot of ignorance about what the appearance of anyone's vagina can tell us about their sexual history. especially since the opening of the vagina is rarely going to look open, as anatomically, it collapses when nothing is inside it, no matter someone's sexual history.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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marvioom
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Yeah I can't control what people say but I can control my reaction. I just need to stop feeling bad for enjoying sexual attention

Most of them are close, that's why they know, a few not so much.

That's interesting, didn't know that

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Heather
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The people close to you, have you told them what they are saying, or how they are saying what they are, is hurting your feelings?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marvioom
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Yes but it's just tough love from them.
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marvioom
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What I definitely need help with is not getting attached to my newly found friends with benefits
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Heather
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Well, no one can really help someone not form emotional attachments. I mean, they are something that either we develop and feel or that we don't.

You can certainly control how much time and energy you invest in someone, and how primary -- or not -- you make any given relationship in your life, perhaps obviously. But we cannot control how we feel, nor can someone else somehow tell us how to do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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"Tough Love" was a very specific (and utterly foul) "method" of "parenting" (so many air quotes, I know, but they are so needed here) teenagers developed in the 80s which involved things like intentional verbal abuse or neglect. I assume that is not what you are talking about?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marvioom
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Well that sucks. It's risky business then, this getting involved with other people. It's not going to end well.

Well, a little verbal abuse, but mostly in a concerned way.

Am I missing out on anything by losing my virginity to someone who I don't share feelings with?

[ 01-20-2014, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: marvioom ]

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Heather
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quote:
Well that sucks. It's risky business then, this getting involved with other people. It's not going to end well.
I don't know what this means or what you are referring to here. Clue me in?

Verbal abuse is abuse, not concern. Someone who is concerned about another person is not verbally abusive to them. That is a way to express control, not care. There is no caring way of being abusive.

Per your last question, that's another one no one else can possibly answer for you. I don't know you well as a person, nor what you want when it comes to your sexual relationships and interactions. Only you can really sort out if you would feel best having sexual first times with someone you have certain feelings for or with, or not, or if that is even part of your important criteria.

I don't know what you mean by "losing your virginity," since that means different things to different people, but whatever you mean, what would you say you are ideally looking for those experiences to be like for you? What are the things you most want out of them? These are the kinds of questions that can help a person start to identify which sexual situations or relationships are the right ones for them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marvioom
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I mean involving myself with those two guys, it will eventually go tits up and it's not going to be pleasant. It's risky having sexual partners, someone or everyone's going to get hurt

...Fair enough. I just need to find a way to not care about being an exhibitionist and attention seeker

I guess I meant penetrative sex. Everyone's going 'Marvioom you're never going to know what it's like to share your first sexual experience with someone who cares about you and who you care about.'

So basically casual sex is not up to par to...love sex, I guess?

I don't know, I don't want to wait any longer and he seems nice enough. I guess I might miss out on this magical experience people talk about but waiting for a boyfriend is going to take sofa king long.

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Heather
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I disagree that having sexual partners means someone always gets hurt. Why do you think you think that way?

I don't think we can make hierarchies with sex and the different interpersonal contexts they can happen in. I also don't know what you mean by casual sex, since, like virginity, that's a term many people use, many not all meaning the same thing.

However, we can certainly say it's often different to, for example, have sex with someone you have built trust with over time and gotten to know well than with someone where neither of those things are true. Plenty of people also find they experience sex differently when it is with someone they feel love, or romantic love, for, and with someone they don't.

But what's right for any given person is going to be about what that person wants. What I hear you saying right now sounds like that what you want is to experience that kind of sex soon, and feel like you want a partner who, by whatever your criteria is, is nice enough to do that with. Do I have that right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marvioom
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Well if I develop feelings for one of them it's going to mess things up and it's going to result in a little bit of emotional turmoil. You said you can't help developing feelings, so it's a risk

By casual sex I just mean sex with a friend with no romantic attachment to it, it's just for fun

I mean ideally I'd like to experience sex with someone I have a connection with but this current situation will do well enough, as long as I don't regret giving it away casually since I seem to value my virginity for some reason.

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Heather
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My personal advice is to lead with what you think and know, of yourself so far, you think you'd like the most and feel best about, as well as what you feel capable of handling well. Whatever that is.

And if you're on the fence, then you give yourself some more time to think about it.

People developing feelings doesn't have to mean people getting hurt. having any given kind of feelings, all by itself, doesn't equal hurt. It's how we or others express or manage those feelings, and our relationships -- of any kind -- that impacts that, not simply caring in some way for each other (which hopefully we do for anyone at all, even people we just take the bus with).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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zeitvogel
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Hi marvioom [Smile]

About keeping things casual, I think there is indeed always a risk of getting hurt in any relationship, but there are still ways to keep that hurt from exploding all over the place.

The basic thing to accept is that you can't promise someone that you won't develop deeper feelings for them, and you can ask that promise from someone else. So then the next question is, what are you going to do if it happens?

I suggest making some relationship rules like this:
1. If one of you develops deeper feelings for the other, they should speak up. Then assume that until that happens, the other person is fine with keeping things casual. (So no guessing games needed)
2. When someone does speak up, there will be a conversation where the other person examines their own feelings, and the result is either a decision to deepen the relationship or to break it off.
3. Breaking it off is not any kind of punishment, it's for the protection of the person who's getting deeper feelings that are not being returned. It's probably best to cut off all contact for a few months. It's going to be painful, but not "a mess".

Do you think that would work for you?

About wanting attention... I say "well, duh" [Smile] The people who look at you are there specifically to give you their attention; that's what "audience" means. Why would they mind if that attention is wanted? I'd guess that the people who leave comments about you being "sad" are not actually part of your audience; they're just in some way offended that your page even exists. So that sounds like another form of "not their cup of tea".

Best of luck in figuring things out

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