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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it too early to think about these things, even hypothetically?

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Author Topic: Is it too early to think about these things, even hypothetically?
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241

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So even though I'm not in a position to consider these things in a serious way, AT ALL, I've really started thinking about marriage and kids? Hypothetically of course, since I'm not ready for anything like that, nor am I in a position to go about getting married/pregnant if I were, but I've been thinking about it a lot, and while some of my worries are things that I consider to be practical forethought, some of it's just...not.

Partly, I've been thinking about whether I want those things at all (which, yes I definitely do), and whether it would ever be possible. Being genderqueer, I find it odd that I'm so on-board with carrying and giving birth to a child, even though I know that's something that dfab trans people do, and I've been wondering whether partial transition would effect any future efforts (and whether I'd still be okay with a pregnancy when I'm older). Still, whether I'd actually be able to look after a child well is an issue I've been mulling over as well - I'd hopefully not be alone to do it, but I worry that I wouldn't be able to look after a kid well enough when I often forget really basic things. I get that these are practical things, you know? Things that it doesn't hurt to consider ahead of time.

But things have been interesting with my love life lately. The Ex - the friend I had my first time with - has gotten a temporary job in a town that's local to where I go to university, and if he likes the job after a month then the move will be more long-term than that. He visited my uni house just before I came home (I'm home for the holidays until late January), and we ended up having sex again, and I have to say that 1) The sex was a massive improvement from last time, and I can put that down directly to me having more confidence in myself, so I feel super happy about that, go me, and 2) just hanging out with him felt a lot easier than before. I felt so much more comfortable with him, happier and less stressed, a lot like how easy it felt being with him from before/while we were dating. I was able to explain the genderqueer thing to him in more detail (because my previous attempts were seriously flawed and I wasn't able to communicate anything in any understandable fashion), and he was cool with it, and it was lovely.

So I went home with the knowledge that if he makes this move a long-term one, then we might resume a all these hypothetical thoughts about marriage and kids have ended up involving him? And at first, it was just a silly daydream, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's certainly not my goal (if the relationship fails, it'd suck, but I'd move on), nor is it something I can see myself doing within the next five years, so I don't know why I've been thinking about it so much. But I've imagined what it would be like to marry (or at least settle down with) this guy, to have his kids and build this domestic little life with him, and it worries me how much I like it as an idea. I've known him for about eight years now, even when it's been hard meeting up and contact has been spotty he's been this presence in my life for so long, and I don't think I would want a life without that presence there. I can't picture that. And regardless of how I feel about him, I think that having him at least as a long-term companion would be lovely. And I can't imagine ever wanting to settle down with another person, or have kids with them.

Is it bad or worrying that I'm thinking about all of this? Especially since our relationship is at a "let's see how it goes" stage - I don't think I would be disappointed if things didn't go that way, but that I'm even thinking about it makes me feel like I'm committing myself too heavily to this. At the same time, I almost feel justified, given the amount of time I've known him and the fact that we've basically been on and off for almost two years. And I obviously don't know how he feels about it (although I remember him saying before that hey, that might be where we end up in the future?).

Sorry if all of that is confusing and jumbled. I just wanted to hear someone else's thoughts on it? Because I don't know how to feel about that.


Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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You know, it is always perfectly alright (and totally normal!) to have daydreams and fantasies about our future. As long as you know that this is far off and hypothetical (and it sounds like you do), that is perfectly fine. You are not running off making plans, you are simply fantasizing what it could be like. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Patricia H
Member # 103815

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The short answer is no, it's not at all unusual for someone in your position to have such thoughts, especially since you're simultaneously rationalizing them, e.g. you're not in a position to consider these things in a serious way, you're ok if the relationship doesn't go well, etc.

That being said, perhaps there are some things and questions you could think about in the meantime in addition to your thoughts of marriage and kids:

How do you define marriage? Assuming you want a happy marriage, what does that mean for you? What do you think are the essential components of a happy marriage, or a successful one?
What does marriage mean to you?
Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want children?
How do plan on resolving difficult matters that arise in a marriage, like communication problems, finances, job difficulties, family dynamics, having time to oneself, how to raise the children?
Do you feel ready for marriage? What does it take to be marriage ready? Do you meet those qualifications?

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

Posts: 234 | From: Hawaii | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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