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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not Sure How to Control

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Author Topic: Not Sure How to Control
voldstok
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Member # 109166

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This is going to long. Sorry. I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like sharing this with someone.

My girlfriend and I are both 20 years old and we've been in the relationship for about a year. We started having sex about 6 months into the relationship. At first it was just oral, then is slowly escalated into sexual intercourse.

For the first 2 months, we were so worried that she might get pregnant and she always take the emergency pill just in case. Both of us discussed about it and agreed that we shall continue having sex only if I wear a condom no matter how. Because we felt that we really love each other and like the sex a lot at the same time too, however, we know that the both of our parents will kill us if they found out that she's pregnant. I agreed to this because the anxiety that comes every time near the end of the month is so terrible that it keeps distracting me from my studies. I know we take precautions and she is very careful with the way I use the condom too. When I used the condom every time, I felt more secure and the anxiety isn't there as much as before.

Earlier this month, we had sex just 2 days right after her menstrual period where her bleeding stops. I didn't use a condom at that time and she actually gave in about it and there wasn't one around us in the heat of the moment. I felt I was near I pulled it out straight away well before I came. She asked me whether I ejaculated inside her, and I declined. I know she's worried about leaks cause I'm worried as well but I'm sure that I ejaculated away from her. Now her menstrual period is near, and I'm worried that she might be pregnant. She seems to be okay about it and I don't want to worry her to much and keep asking her whether she has her period.

Of course, if her period comes, it'll be a relief for both of us. But this time, the anxiety is there because of that single time that I didn't use protection on. It's like an open question that can only be answered if her period is here. We talked about cutting down the frequency of our sex. And we even spoke of abstinence. But it's so hard to do.

Can I have some advice please? Because we feel that we want to have safer sex, at the same time needn't worry too much about getting her pregnant, so that we can fully enjoy it. We see it as something that connects us emotionally and physically too. And it's kinda part of our relationship but it's not a big chunk of it. Just something that we'd really enjoy. Because we're both very horny sometimes and I feel that we can just revert back to oral sex since it's pleasurable to me and she likes the way I finger her as well. But we know that it always ends up with it inside the other. How do I go from here? =( please help.

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skywalker

Posts: 4 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask how you both feel about this if you truly always DO use condoms? It just sounds like the issue is often an issue when you do not, and you report that you both feel better when you do.

So, I am not sure if this is an issue about having certain kinds of sex or not, or doing so without protecting yourselves.

I am concerned to hear you say your girlfriend "gave in" per engaging in intercourse without a condom. Do you mean she said no, but you did not accept that no and pushed - verbally or otherwise - until she did that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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loopsyme
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Member # 108369

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Hi,
I'm sorry to hear that you're stressing over that. I've been in that situation for a few times. And I really do know how scary it is. I'm sure that your anxiety makes you want to look for it on the Internet. I recommend you to stop doing this because it only makes you way more nervous.

First, never trust all those people who are talking there without any knowledge (of course I'm not talking about the people who are educated in this area or have some kind of knowledge). All they want to do is to make you stress over it more and more.

Second, when someone tells you that there is a risk, don't panic. It doesn't always mean that you're in trouble. That risk may be only 1%. However, it still is a risk. So people are saying that there is a risk.
I made lots of research on it but I may still not be right about these. If I'm wrong, I really am sorry. But I can understand how you feel right now and just want to help you. I'm not making up the things by the way. It's all about what I read and learnt.
As far as I know, having sex during a period does not pose a high pregnancy risk. But still there is a risk which is a moderate one I guess. I believe you know that the risk is higher when your partner is ovulating at that time. And still, it does not mean that it poses a 100% risk. Anyway, this is not your case.
You could take Plan B. But I think it's quite late for it now.
Don't panic. If her period is late, you can take a pregnancy test. Periods can sometimes be delayed due to stress. Bear this in mind [Smile]
Hope everything goes well for you two.
But always remember to use a condom, just to be on the safe side.
Try to relax, don't stress over it too much. This will only help you to freak out.
Hope this will help for you [Smile]

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voldstok
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Member # 109166

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Hi Heather. Thanks for the reply.

Both of us feel much better when I use it. And yes I've always tried to check if there's any leakage once we're done. Well, both of us can through the month quite well. Just that sometimes towards the end of the cycle, I would get very caught up and worried about whether she'll have her period. On her side (she didn't say anything), but I feel that she's more relaxed every time I use it. Just my problem i guess?

She was doubting about it for a bit. I didn't push her. Well, i suggested it. And when I said no, she's pulling me to do it instead. I know it's kinda complicated and some ways funny. But yeah, that's the only one time that we did it without a condom. Now I feel that it's always better to wear one instead no matter how.

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skywalker

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voldstok
Neophyte
Member # 109166

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To loopsyme,

Thanks so much for the reply too. I guess you understand the anxiety feeling too. Like I want to be there and responsible as a man for her every time, but the idea of having her pregnant at this age is still too early. But we still want to continue having that sort of connection between us. And even though condoms are 99% successful in preventing a pregnancy, I'm probably still worried that I'll wind up being in that 1%. =/

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skywalker

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Are you saying that while she feels better when a condom is used, that does not allay your anxieties at all?

I am not sure what you mean about her saying no and then pushing for the thing she said no to. But I do know that anyone not accepting each others no sexually, or pushing in coercing in any way, is not funny, but instead, is unhealthy.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, in healthy sexual relationships between equals, responsibility is shared, not something one partner takes for another, based on gender or anything else.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
voldstok
Neophyte
Member # 109166

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To Heather,
I apologise for blurring things up.

Yes she does feel better. But on my side, i'm still a little bit worried that she might get pregnant even with a condom use.

She said no at first. And I suggested to do it. And when I changed my mind and choose not to do it without a condom instead, she sort of tempt me into doing it without one. And when I try to get close to her, she said no again. It was like that at the moment for a few times, and we ended up doing it without one. That's how it happened.

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skywalker

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay, so just so you know moving forward, when someone says no, that is it. We do not suggest doing anything they just said no to, we accept their no and back off. Completely. Additionally, when someone in any way convinces us to do something we said no to, that is not tempting, it is coercion, which is also not part of healthy sexual relationships or interactions.

It sounds like the two of you could both stand to get some more education about real consent and how it works, would you like me to give you some links for that?

If you do not feel good about using condoms alone, you get to feel that way. So, your options then are not to have any of the kinds of sex that present a risk of pregnancy at all, or you can look, together, into a second method to back up with your condoms,if you think that would leave you feeling as safe as you need to feel.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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