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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Don't want to be clingy.

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Author Topic: Don't want to be clingy.
scarlett_99
Neophyte
Member # 101726

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There's this guy. I've known him since i was a child. He used to live beside my house but shifted to somewhere in the same city. Years later, i got to know that my ex-best friend was his cousin and my cousin was his best friend. Since four years, I've had a crush on him. It's become more and more every year. I tried to distract myself but am not being able to now. I keep day dreaming about him, have lost my appetite, feel dizzy, nauseous too, keep staring at our childhood pictures,want to talk to him all the time, but don't want to be clingy. I don't want to tell him to meet up with me because that might seem clingy and desperate. Recently, one of my friends told me that her friend was really good friends with him and he had told her that he liked me too but wanted to wait because he didnt know if i liked him back. I don't want to find a guy i like, don't want to get into any other relationship because i have such a strong crush on him. I don't even know if it's a crush anymore. I seem so desperate and clingy and fear that that will draw him away from me. I keep wanting to text him and i get this feeling that he does too but feels the same. Moreover, my friend(a.k.a ex bestfriend/ his sister) is so over protective of him and hates me talking to him. I think he knows that too. I have no idea how i want to proceed with this. I love this guy because he's so different and trust me, I' not a girl who will go by looks and popularity. I also don't know if he'll like me because i'm so ugly and not popular at all. He doesnt go to my school and his family knows me REAAALLLLYYYY well because of us being neighbours. i can't deal with not having him anymore. i just cant.I will practically start crying now. what do i do?
Posts: 14 | From: Finland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I am not sure why you are so focused on "clingy," here, especially since I do not think that is the real issue here.

What seems to me to be an issue is that you have spent so much time in fantasy around this person, but so little - I think? - actually getting to know them as a real person, in real life, that you have a level of emotional investment and intensity around your desire for this person that it seems like you need to find a way to dial that down, whether you two ever date or not.

Can I ask why just spending time with him, real-life time, not fantasy time, sounds like something you are not pursuing, even though you seem to be saying you very badly want to spend time with him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
scarlett_99
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That's the problem i'm having. Not being able to dial it down. i'm just scared, and i feel he is too, that one wrong move might just.. spoil things. This sounds so petty. [Frown] I'm trying to find the answer to your question myself. How do you think i can dial it down?
Posts: 14 | From: Finland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think having to interact with him as a real, whole person, not a fantasy you built up who, at this point, may not even vaguely resemble who he, himself, is, will help with that a lot.

Honestly, my thought is this probably is not a good person for you to date anytime soon regardless, because you have just built him and this up SO much, and invested so much emotionally in the fantasy you have, it going at all well for either of you would be way unlikely. No one can live up to someones intense fantasies developed over years about them, especially when none of that was even coming from direct interaction. They are pretty much guaranteed to massively disappoint. Too, you obviously have an awareness you are and have effectively been obsessed with this person, and obsession is not something that makes for being able to earnestly connect with someone, and also tends to create really unhealthy relationship dynamics. For both people, but especially for the person being obsessed about.

So, given that, how about you do all you canto let go of even the idea of dating this guy, or "having" him, and just figure that starting to actually get to know him, without any goal besides just getting to know him, is a win either way? If you never date, it will be way less of a bummer because the fantasy you are so wrapped up in will likely fizzle a lot when you know him as a real person. And if you can start to just get to know him and interact with him like a whole, real person, even as a friend, then if dating turns out to be something you two do both want in time, it will be a lot more likely to be something that goes well.

[ 12-24-2013, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I should also add that if you just really feel like you cannot let go of these fantasies and dial it down, what is actually probably best for both of you is deciding not to pursue dating him, at all, stepping away from interactions, and putting your energy into letting this go entirely. And into pursuing relationships with people you get to know, as people, from direct interactions with them, and without so much fantasy loaded on top from the start.

Not because all this makes you "clingy," but because nothing healthy for either of you is likely to result.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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scarlett_99
Neophyte
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So all i can do at this point is to freeze him out completely. Not talk to him at all, right?
Do you have any suggestions as to how i can completely forget him?

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Forgetting is usually not a one-step process like turning off a light switch.

It might help to think about the persistent fantasies you're having as a habit that you need to break, just like someone would work on breaking a physical habit such as biting their fingernails.

When people work on breaking physical habits, they often find other things they can do instead. So, when you start fantasizing about this guy, I think it would be a helpful start to shift your focus to something else.

What things do you think you could do instead of fantasizing about him? They could be physical things, like getting up and cleaning the house, or they could be mental things like reading a book. In general, what things do you do that you find occupy your mind? If you can make a list of those things, and commit to doing at least one of them when you start having fantasies, I think that will help you start to break this pattern.

Again, this is not something that will happen overnight. It took you a while to get to this point, so it'll take a while to get to a healthier (and probably happier for you) frame of mind.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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