Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Moving forward, not back.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Moving forward, not back.
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi all.

I am in a dire situation right now. I really, really need all the help I can get.

I posted back in October about my girlfriend Skye and how she constantly brought up my one night stand issue. That is still an issue to her, but a lot of other things have taken over.
Ill admit, I have been a horrible boyfriend at times. I have lied to her twice and broke her trust. The lies I told were minor but I eventually admitted the truth and it became a whole different issue. When I say I broke her trust, what I mean is that I told one of my close friends a very personal thing about my girlfriend - to which my girlfriend found out and it devastated her to the point where she questions whether or not she can trust me.

(I can provide details about the lies and break in trust if needed)

I can totally understand why she cant trust me and why she is now questioning everything I have ever told her. Her self esteem is horribly low; something I now feel responsible for. I feel like a monster and I cant fix it. I can understand completley why she is so upset about everything; trust is everything to me and if someone broke mine I would find it very hard to trust them again. I promised her when I first met her that I would never lie to her ... I went and broke that promise. Never mind her forgiving me, I cant forgive myself. I constantly look at myself in the mirror and feel sick. I cant believe I done it, and it was over something so petty and ridiculous that its blown up into a massive issue. Not only that, but when we first met I made her feel beautiful, but now her self esteem has plummeted and she constantly thinks that I want someone else and that shes not good enough.

Ive apologised so many times, but she cant seem to get past it. I dont expect a miracle and for her to just all of a sudden forgive me. I know it doesnt work that way. All these problems have came at once and everything feels so heavy on our shoulders.

It now feels like we are going in circles. We talk about it every day and we get no where. She wont believe a word I say now when I try to explain things and try and get her to open up to me so we can resolve our issues. Its like hitting your head against a wall. We have argued so much, said horrible things to one another. Its now beginning to feel like its broken and cant be fixed. I feel ... (sighs) ... heartbroken at my own behaviour and that Ive thrown a beautiful, loving relationship away. Its not over, but it feels like a break up is now imminent; this close to Xmas as well [Frown] .

We are making no progress whatsoever ...
Setting this all aside, we are still very much in love with each other and we still have fun together and when we are together its still very passtionate and loving. That spark and chemistry is definitely still there, no doubt about it.

So tonight, I made a plan. I said to her that I want this to work and that I want to have a future with her. She is struggling to focus with her studies, so I proposed limited contact for a week. Its not a break, its more like a breather. I said we need this breather so we can both figure out what went wrong, when it went wrong, whether we still want to be together and whether its worth saving. I understand that a week isnt a long time, but if we need more time we can always have more time. She agreed to this, albeit reluctantly because she doesnt not want to talk to me.

That conversation happened an hour ago and Im sitting here not knowing whether I done the right thing. Should we have kept talking? Should we have broke up? I dont know. I feel I need an outside opinion on this.

I do have several questions:

How do we know if our relationship is beyond repair?

How do I gain her trust back?

How do I show her that I love her and that I would do anything for this to work?


Im at a total loss. I feel lost.

I need help [Frown]

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi there,

this is a tough situation to be in. One thing I want to say to you is that you alone cannot "fix" her self esteem or trust issues. If these feelings are effecting her and her relationships to such a strong degree, then she might want to consider seeking the help of a counselor.

As far as demonstrating that you love her, that's something only she can tell you. And, given the behaviors you have described in past threads, it looks like she is prone to having unrealistic expectations for how you behave/ have behaved in the past, so even that may not help with this issue. Communicating with each other about your wants and needs is an ongoing process in a relationship, but if you keep talking and getting nowhere, that's a signal to me that this relationship is not on strong ground.

I think taking time to re-evaluate your feelings is a wise decision for both. Here are a couple of articles to get you started on evaluating where this relationship is at.
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[ 12-17-2013, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the reply Sam W [Smile]

I totally understand that I cannot fix her self esteem issues. However, I feel responsible for her trust issues because it was me that broke her trust.

To be honest, our communication has always been great up until the past month. I feel its because this issue is becoming exhausting. The reason we cant move forward is because she wont believe what I am saying.

I definitely see us working through this, I really do. We both definitely need time to cool off and evaluate our thoughts and issues and go back to the drawing board with a clear mind.

Thank you for the articles [Smile]

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're very welcome.

I did just notice that you mention that she agreed to the break reluctantly because "she doesn't want to talk to me." Is this related to the trust issues?

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I wouldnt say so no. She says Im a big part of her life and she doesnt want to be apart from me and wants to be able to talk to me regularly. I explained that we need this breather so we can focus on our own thoughts and our own actions.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ah, you wrote "doesn't not." My mistake

If you don't mind my asking, how is it that the topic causing the arguments comes up every day?

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would say its her that brings it up 80% of the time. Something will trigger her to bring it up, whether its something shes read, watched or something someones said. If I bring it up, its usually to try and resolve it.

She seems to think not thinking about it will work. However, shes tried that and it still keeps coming up.

Ive explained we need to be open and talk about things thoroughly so we can move forward. She agrees, but we both end up arguing.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I see, what exactly is the issue that keeps arising? Is it related to your past one night stand that you mentioned in previous threads?
Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well.

Its a really long and difficult story to explain.

(this will probably sound absolutely ridiculous)

Like almost everyone, I have facebook and twitter. Before I met Skye, I made several comments about famous actresses and celebrities. All of these were over the course of a year (2011-2012. These comments were mostly about looks. For example I said a specific person was "perfect".

At the beginning of our relationship, in fact whilst we were dating, she went on my twitter to see what I was like. She came across these comments, and at the time thought nothing of them - brushing them off.

Somewhere down the line she found more (there are maybe 8 or 9 in total). That coupled with the one night stand, she sees me as a totally different person. She thinks all I do is make comments and check girls out.

What I would like to point out before going further is that while I grew up, I was constantly ridiculed and bullied. It wasnt for how I looked, but how I acted. I was percieved as "gay" by many people. This was a daily thing for me, being called "gay". I grew up in a very open household, and I am very accepting person; therefore if I was gay I wouldnt care. It was high school. Kids were mean and I was sick of it. I was constantly on the defensive and I felt I constantly had to prove my sexuality to others. Its something thats never left me.

Im not sitting here making excuses because if I found those people attractive I would openly admit it to her. Ive admitted that one or two were genuine comments but the others I didnt mean because I felt I constantly had to prove myself.

All of this sounds quite ridiculous. I was made to feel so low by people around me that I did things like that to try and prove to others that I was in fact straight. I wish I could turn back time, I would have acted so differently.

Anyway. The reason she finds this hard to believe and making an issue about it is because I lied at first. I muddled my stories up, I told her that I found none of them attractive. She then poked as to why I made those comments. I still said that I found none of them attractive. She said it made no sense. This went back and forth, all because I was afraid of the truth and what her reaction would be. Then I told her, but now she wont believe me and she now feels so self conscious because I find all of these people attractive when I dont.

I grew up thinking something may be wrong with me because I didnt find all these celebrities that other people love attractive.

I understand fully how ridiculous this all sounds. It may seem unbelievable but Ive been up front with her now.

The breaking trust issue is down to the fact I told one of my best friends about her insecurities and worries and she found out. It was confidential and I should never have said anything.

I just wish I didnt lie.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, just to make sure I have this correct, her primary issue is with the fact that you made comments about celebrities on twitter and then made an attempt to protect her feelings as you guessed (correctly) that revealing any attraction to them would make her upset? And it sounds like now you are making conscious choices to honor her desires for being truthful and open

I feel like it's necessary to point out that she needs to keep in mind that nobody can build a world where their partner will never/has never found anybody else attractive. That's simply not a realistic expectation to have, and that fact that she feels the need to bring it up every single day is actually kind of a red flag to me, especially when coupled with the things you have told us in other threads. I really think she needs to see someone who can help her work through the issues she having around her expectations. In my opinion, her being willing to take a new approach to communicating with you (as in not constantly bringing up things from your past) is one of the only ways I could see you two moving forward as a couple.

If you haven't taken a look at those articles yet, I think you should do so now. I have a feeling that during your time off you might come to realize it's nice to not have someone ragging on you every day for something minor that happened in you past.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes that certainly is the case Sam W.

We have discussed that and she knows that its impossible that we have never found other people attractive. I think whats more the issue is that I lied. She said to me that if I had been truthful it would not been an issue.

She is apparently always "reminded" of my past and cant help herself from bringing it up.

Like Ive stated before, she has anxiety issues. She worries, and worries. If there was a trophy for overthinking, she would win it. I know its her issue and ive offered my full support, but nothing seems to help in the slightest.

In regards to a new approach in communication, what do you suggest? I really dont know what to do.

I shall look at those articles right now. Thank you.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you know what exactly seems to be reminding her? And, do you know if she's currently seeking help with her anxiety issues? I think it is very supportive on your part to be understanding of her worries, but beyond a certain point it's going to take a professional to give her the tools she needs to deal with it. Have you two spoken at all about the effect her anxiety is having on your relationship?
Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It could honestly be anything. Like one of the people I commented about being in show or a movie we watch. Something she reads about a person etc.

She is not, no. I have mentioned to her that I think it would be a wise thing to do, and that I would be fully supportive of her.

She has said several times:

"My insecurities have ruined us."

So I think she acknowledges that it plays a big part in our issues.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If even seeing a celebrity mentioned causes her to start feeling anxious or stressed, then I think urging her to seek counseling is wise.

Ok, I see. Once she acknowledges that her insecurities are playing a role in the fights, does she make any mention of trying to work on them?

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
She only acknowledges them, but before we can discuss trying to work on it, we continue to argue.

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds a little bit like your girlfriend wants it both ways. She wants to be able to talk to you and continue as you have been, but she's not doing her own personal work to help herself. It's a little hard to understand reluctance to tae a break from talking when it sounds like most of those talks are argumentative and uncomfortable.

This isn't about her right now, though, but about you. That is, it's you we're talking with.

What would you like to do, for yourself, during this relationship-breather that will help you clarify things?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can I also ask if you have just asked her what it is she feels she needs to resolve all of this? If so, what did she say?

If not, I would say that is an important question to ask and get some answers to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would like to thank everyone for the responses [Smile]

As of now we are pretty much broken up, she doesnt feel like we can move past it. Its really up in the air.

However, to continue the topic.

They are definitely uncomfortable and argumentative talks. She asks question after question which I feel are impossible to answer without making things worse.

I have no idea what to do. I do not feel myself. I cannot focus at all, and my relationship with my bandmates and friends is suffering as a result. I lack any sort of drive. I just want to fix this so I can get back to normal. It seems so unlikely now.

Heather, I have asked this several times. At first she said she "needs to understand" but now its "i dont know". Its became impossible to talk about it civily and get answers. I will admit, I have a short temper, so I get frustrated easily when talking about this. I cant see why its a big deal if Im honest (lying aside).

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sam W     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How have you been feeling since the decision to (more or less) break-up? Are there anythings we can help you with (we do have a few articles on getting through break-ups)?

For my part, I think that as difficult as it may be, breaking up may be the best decision, as this relationship sound like it's taking a toll on you. And, if she truly views the things you have done as impossible to put behind her, then this wasn't a good relationship for her either. If she's continually bringing these issues up but then not offering any help or making any efforts on her end, that simply is not a sustainable relationship to be in

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would also add that with something so big for her, for so long, that she cannot even come up with some things to try to resolve the issue?

That really is breakup time. It may well be that she simply cannot deal with it or resolve it, and that does happen sometimes. But when it does, then it is time for the people involved to either say goodbye, period, or try a totally new kind of relationship together to see if that works better.

So, like Sam said, as much as breakups stink, specially when we have tried really hard to make things work, it sounds like in this case, it might have really been the only thing left for either of you to do.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I feel extremely low. I feel worse in all honesty because I feel so guilty; I feel that she hates me and that she thinks that our relationship was a waste of time. So many things are going through my head. So many unanswered questions [Frown]

I honestly feel we could have worked through things. Its not mutual, I want to work on it, but shes gave up. Its hard to take in that I may not be right for her, or her for me when we were so compatible and we truly do love each other. I guess thats the case for so many people though, maybe breaking up is right.

I thank you all for the advice. It means so much to me.

One thing. Do you think it would be wise for us to to maybe revisit the prospect of fixing things in future? I do not feel as if this is the end. I feel theres more to be done and to be said.

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, TheCitizenErased. I'm sorry to hear you feel so rough.

Break-ups are usually very hard and accompanied by a lot of big feelings. It's likely to be especially raw right now, so do try to be good to yourself and give yourself what you need to get through as best you can.

It's pretty common to have a lot of unanswered questions around the time of a painful break-up. In the here and now, the most important thing is to focus on you and what you, independently, need. Sometimes, with some more perspective, the questions become less important or the answers show themselves.

Break-ups typically hurt like hell when there were a lot of positive things, but yet one or several things that just could not be resolved. If something really could not be resolved, or one person was ready to stop trying, then the difficulties from that one thing would likely overshadow all of the good in the long-run, and that kind of relationship just won't be happy or healthy.

Her feelings are her feelings, so try not to end up taking responsibility for those feelings or feel guilty. It sounds like you did what you could to sort out a past problem, make amends, and make the future different - and that's all any of us can ever do, because none of us are perfect. It's still the case that occasionally, the other person just won't be able to move on, perhaps for their own personal reasons. As sad and hard as that is, it just is.

We have a piece that might be some help to you for getting through this time: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

We would usually strongly suggest that immediately around the time of a break-up is not a time to be thinking about renewing and repairing the relationship in the future. It's ok if you don't want to rule it out, but it's not something that's likely to be helpful to you to think about right now. This sort of time is so full of big feelings, everyone involved needs time to process those feelings separately, to attend to their own needs, and to adjust to the change. Thinking about a possible reconciliation won't give you the space that you need for those things.

For people who have truly taken that time, any reconciliation is only likely to work out and go well if something meaningful has changed since the original relationship. Otherwise, it's likely to simply be a replay of the original difficulty.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
Activist
Member # 31269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheCitizenErased     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you ever so much [Smile]

--------------------
Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3