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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Problems with incest

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Author Topic: Problems with incest
marvioom
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I'm sorry to be a burden but the advice I got here was really helpful and there's just one thing I wouldn't mind getting help with, it's ok if I've asked too much and won't get a response

Ok, basically when I was 11 and my cousin was 16 we did sexual stuff, just making out and him seeing my boobs out of a bra and messing about with them. It was consensual apart from the beginning when he initiated without asking but I liked it and went along with it, I even actively looked for it on other occasions

It's something I used to feel really guilty, regretful and disgusted about since it was incest but with some good advice I managed to not be so bothered by it anymore

But I think my parents might know, and even if they don't know they're still making jokes about marrying me off to him (Muslim family so cousin-cousin marriages are ok to them, but not to me) and it's just so disturbing and makes me physically sick sometimes. He asked my dad for my phone number recently and my parents were all smirky and stuff and it was sickening

How do I ignore it and not feel so icky about it? It's like all that work I did to feel better about it has come undone.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Marvioom,

What is your relationship with your parents like? I ask because I'm wondering if it's possible for you to tell them straight up that you're not interested in your cousin as a marriage partner and jokes about that make you really uncomfortable.

It sounds like that's been the catalyst stirring up these negative, icky feelings you're having.


So, in other words, I'm wondering if, instead of ignoring what's being said to you, you can do something to hopefully make it stop.

in terms of how you're feeling, can you talk a little more about that? Is it an icky feeling when you think about the past sexual interactions and about him in general or do the icky feelings bring up thoughts? If the latter, what kinds of thoughts does this bring up for you?

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Robin

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Hi Marvioom,

What is your relationship with your parents like? I ask because I'm wondering if it's possible for you to tell them straight up that you're not interested in your cousin as a marriage partner and jokes about that make you really uncomfortable.

It sounds like that's been the catalyst stirring up these negative, icky feelings you're having.


So, in other words, I'm wondering if, instead of ignoring what's being said to you, you can do something to hopefully make it stop.

in terms of how you're feeling, can you talk a little more about that? Is it an icky feeling when you think about the past sexual interactions and about him in general or do the icky feelings bring up thoughts? If the latter, what kinds of thoughts does this bring up for you?

I told them already it's not going to happen and it's not funny, they think I'm being sensitive

My relationship with them isn't good, there are tensions and we don't get along well although we've been making efforts to get along

They'll just keep going and saying what they like, they won't get the message

It's feelings of disgust, regret, remembering how good it felt and then feeling guilty for liking it, feeling tainted and dirty and just icky wherever his mouth and hands were on me, wanting to be that age again and look like that again rather than this, frustration, annoyance etc, really a mixed bag

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Robin Lee
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Nodding....

Do you live with your parents? How often are they teasing you about this?

It sounds like there's a dynamic going on right now where you don't feel very empowered to say what you feel and have that be respected. I'm sorry to hear that when you did say how you felt and what you wanted your stated needs were shrugged off so easily.

It's not at all unusual for children to explore with sex and be curious about it, so the fact that you responded to this doesn't make it your responsibility or your fault.


It sounds like you're taking on an unfair amount of the responsibility for what happened. you were a child. Your cousin was old enough to know better. It wasn't at all cool for him to talk you into that sexual activity in the first place.

Being coerced into sexual activity is abuse. You liking it physically doesn't change that he talked you into it. Does that make sense?

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Robin

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marvioom
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I do live with my parents. Not regularly, a couple of times a month at most

If you mean he took advantage of me when I was at an age where I couldn't make good decisions then I agree with you, although it wasn't forced or anything like that so I'm still stuck with the feeling that it was a decision I made (one that I deeply regret though)

[ 08-23-2013, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: marvioom ]

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Robin Lee
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Abuse doesn't have to be forced to to be abuse.

No eleven-year-old is legally able to consent to sexual activity. Most eleven-year-olds aren't able to emotionally consent to sexual activity either, particularly not with an older family member.

I hear you saying that you regret your part in the decision-making. What do you think and feel you need in order to be able to forgive yourself?

in another post, I think you referred to feeling like your concerns weren't important enough for counseling. over the short time we've talked to you, you've brought up some really, really big things: a difficult family relationship where you are often not listened to and your feelings, in some cases, don't appear to be respected, a prolonged and significant dislike of your own body, and childhood sexual coercion by a family member.

Those are all big things in my book, and I think that a lot of people would agree with me.

Is thinking that your stuff isn't important what is keeping you from investigating how you could get on a waiting list for counseling?

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Robin

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marvioom
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I might be able to forgive myself if I keep telling myself that I was too young to make sensible decisions, it was unfair to be put in a position to make those kinds of choices and that I was taken advantage of by someone who should have known better, like you said. I'll try telling myself that

Sort of, I know counselling could help but that maybe my issues weren't serious enough to be taken seriously by those operating free services for those that really need it and go through much more traumatic things

I could look into getting on one of those waiting lists

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Molias
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If it helps to have another voice on this, I think any decent counseling/therapy service would take your concerns and issues seriously. Someone's always going to have it worse than you do, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to help as well! It sounds like it could be really helpful for you to get some extra support, especially since it doesn't sound like you're getting support from your family.
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Robin Lee
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It's pretty clear that what you have going on is affecting you a lot. That's what healthcare providers and counselors evaluate when they look at someone's needs. They don't have a rating scale for the things they've been through. [Smile] Yes, someone in immediate crisis is often given priority over someone with long-standing issues, but that doesn't mean that the person with long-standing issues is considered any less important or any less in need of help.


If you'd like to look at getting some counseling, do you need any help figuring out how to access it/get on a waiting list?

You really were too young to make an informed decision about what was okay and what wasn't. If it helps to remind yourself, you were too young to make that decision according to the law.

How are you feeling now that you're talking about this with us here? If you'd like to continue the conversation, what would it be helpful to talk about?

--------------------
Robin

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Robin Lee
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I also wanted to check back in with you about the way your parents are talking to you about this. is either one of your parents more receptive to you than the other? I ask because I'm wondering if it would help to speak to the more-receptive parent one-on-one and let them know that you're really uncomfortable with the way they've been talking about this.

Considering that you've all been working on getting along more, do you think that would have any impact?

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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Thanks for the help and advice, I really appreciate it [Smile] It feels very beneficial to talk about these things and I'm thankful for your time

I would have to go and pester my GP for a referral and check back every few months until I manage to get therapy, or there's a local charity, mind, that offers counseling on a sliding scale depending on your income and financial situation, in a few months once I've paid off certain things and I'm still not getting anywhere with the NHS referral I could see if I can get counseling from mind

I could talk to my mum again about it and try to communicate how disturbing those comments/jokes are, I doubt she'll listen, or she'll say fine but do it again. But I'll try anyway

Hopefully in a years time I can get my life together and move out.

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Robin Lee
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You're very welcome.

You really do have a lot on your plate here.

It sounds like you have a few concrete steps you could take: making an appointment with your GP, talking to your Mum, and saving up to get some counseling from MIND. It might be worth contacting MIND now to see if they have a waiting list or any sort of application process that might take a while to go through.

I wanted to pick up on something you mentioned in one of your other threads, which is how isolated you seem to be right now, not having a lot of local friends. Is meeting people or finding social outlets something you'd like to do to help you feel less alone and isolated?

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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Alright, I'll contact mind as soon as I can

Yes, I'd like it if I had some good friends and social outlets, I'd feel a lot less lonely, socialising is not something I'm good at though. In the past year I spent many months at home without stepping outside although I go outside somewhat regularly now to sign on, go running etc

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Robin Lee
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One way that many people find useful for meeting people is to participate in activities that they're interested in.

So, for example, since you enjoy running, perhaps you could see if there are running clubs in your area? If you have any other interests or hobbies, finding groups focused on those interests and hobbies can help you find people you have things in common with.

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Robin

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marvioom
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I could look into it, thanks

How would you go about dealing with that cousin? I ignore him on facebook and so on, and I don't reply when he asks for me (which my parents say is rude and I should at least say hi)

Whenever we've gone over to my aunts/some sort of family gathering, whenever no ones looking he ruffles my hair or touches me and has a really smug smile on his face. This kind of teasing is just really infuriating but there's not much I can do about that is there?

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Robin Lee
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It's absolutely not okay for him to touch you if you don't want him too.

You are well within your rights to tell him not to touch you that way and that you don't like it when he does. From what you've described, you might not get a lot of support from your family on this, but you're still allowed to let him know that it's not okay.

It's also okay for you not to interact with him. do you feel like you're able to withstand your family telling you that you're being rude and just continue doing what you need to do around this?

You're an adult and you get to decide who you talk to, and you also get to decide who touches you. (For the record, I also think that children get to decide who does and doesn't touch them.)

So, how do you think it would work for you to, next time your cousin touches you, tell him that you don't like being touched that way and walk away from him?

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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I can, it makes the tension worse whenever I don't do what they say but I think I can carry on not interacting with him

We have to do the customary kiss on each cheek as a greeting but that's all I do in way of interacting with him unless it's necessary to talk to him

It's not touching in a sexual way, he's just trying to annoy me, especially with that smirk, he knows I can't stand it. It's one of a few ways he teases me, including making fun of my appearance and how much worse I look now after puberty (it's true that I did look much nicer back then)

I tell him to stop it and he just laughs, which is even more infuriating!

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Robin Lee
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Whether or not it's sexual touching, it's still not okay for someone to touch you when you don't want it and you still have the right to ask them not to touch you.

I'm so sorry to hear that he smirks and laughs at you, and can understand how infuriating that would be!

It sounds like being around your family really isn't that great for you emotionally.

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Robin

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marvioom
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It isn't, I haven't got much choice but maybe in the future if things work out then I can move away from them

Thanks again for the advice and suggestions, it was great to be able to talk to someone about it [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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You're welcome, and we're happy to talk any time.

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Robin

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