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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know what to do or how to feel :/

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Author Topic: I don't know what to do or how to feel :/
Ultraviolet
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So I've been with this boy for like 3 years now we both had a really difficult start as things had happened so we found it hard to trust one another. I thought as time went on we would be able to get over than but it seems like nothing's changed :/. I litrally dropped every single one of my friends for this guy and i truly love him. But I feel trapped I can't go out can't really text people and whenever I tell him he just doesn't listen.

When we first got together it didnt seem like he was like other boys and cares about being sexual. As time went in we started to do stuff I was a little younger then and didnt really think much about the consequences. As I've gotten older I'm realise more about the consequences of things and realise I don't want to throw my life away. But now when I say no I don't want to do anything he starts being all funny with me and sulks. He done this today then said he's sorry then asked me to do something again which again I said no to. He doesn't false me into doing anything But It's starting to feel like that's all he wants from me and I feel as though he's gonna leave or cheat on me if I don't? I'm not going to do nothing i don't want to but I'm not sure what to do

Whats your advice for the whole situation :/

I have no one to talk to no close friends and I don't feel comfortable talking to family members about this matter

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Heather
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Can I ask why you dropped your friends? And why you say that was for him?

Are you also saying that when you say no to sexual things, he doesn't accept that no, but instead tries to coerce you by sulking or other behaviors?

AND, are you saying that you feel you need to have sex with him even when you don't want to, because if you don't, he will break up with you or have sex with someone else?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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He wanted to spend more time with me then in the end I guess he didnt like me with friends because thy wanted to go around chasing boys. And he thought I would cheat on him.

He doesn't like make me do anything I don't want to but in the weird way it makes me feel guilty but I know that I shouldn't .

I feel like he's going to but again I'm not going to do something I don't want to do because I know that's not right

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Heather
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How educated do you feel about what is and isn't healthy in relationships, Ultraviolet?

Like, you know that isolating someone from their friends, guilt-tripping someone into things you want from them, controlling where someone goes or with whom, but they don't want to give or do, and feeling like things which are totally optional -- like sex -- are some kind of requirement or obligation all are things in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships or interactions, not healthy ones?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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I feel educated and I know that the relationship is not right like that, I'm not saying he's like this all the time it's just gotten like this more recently well the whole sexual activity thing it's not sex he's always wants its more like the other things, it's not again that I never do it I do but I don't want it to be something done all the time as for me a relationship should be so much more than just the sexual things.

And lately he's proving to be everything I thought he wasn't, I thought even without stuff like that he'd still be happy because I am but it doesn't seem like lately that's enough I don't know if maybe it's different for boys. Maybe I'm just a sensitive girl but I want a relationship where we can hang out with other people together and when were alone its not all about sexual stuff for me I'd much rather sit around taking having a laugh cuddles and watching a film.

When I wasn't with my friends I can say it didnt bother me but now when I look back I'm just like how stupid.. All them lot now are living their life's as they should be whereas I feel like most of mine is just wasting away. It's not that we don't have fun together I just don't know whats changed :/

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Heather
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Well, it sounds to me like things haven't changed, they just started out problematic and got more so over time. Which is generally what tends to happen, especially when some of what's problematic are controlling or manipulative dynamics.

So, how about you look at these two things -- which can address what IS healthy, and then also help you make some decisions around this -- then we check back in later?

• b]Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship[/b]
• Should I Stay or Should I Go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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I litrally spend every day with him and when we are not together we are constantly textin or on the phone to one another it wasn't like this at first.. Does this sound like a unhealthy relationship to you. To me when I look at it now it does but im just so used to it now its normal if you can make sense of that
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Heather
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Like I said, why don't you take a look at those two pieces, okay? I think they'll help you clarify some things for yourself first.

How much time you spend together doesn't tell me anything, really, save that if one or both of you has NO life outside the relationship, that's not healthy, or if one or both of you are basically not letting the other person have their own space, often to try and control them, that's certainly not healthy.

When you read those pieces, I'd set aside however things were once. None of us are time travelers: the only way our relationships can be at any give time is the way they have recently been and are now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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I read the two links you left me, I definitely want to stay with him I'm litrally in love with him, I can help but smile when I'm with him I know our relationship ain't a walk in the park and we don't always see eye to eye but we have a load of good times together too. And the good definitely out weighs the bad.

Last night I called him and we met up today and had a long talk, I'm trying to communicate more maybe that's something we lacked as instead of talking it would just get into a big argument where neither of us wanted to listen to what the other person was saying.

So we are going to come with an agreement and hopefully things will work out, give one another your space time to go out and be young. But also spend time with one another and whenever we feel something is up instead of keepin it inside untill were about to explode just get it out in the open and talk about it but instead of just talking and let t go we need to actually solve it and make a difference.

With this said do you think the realationship would be a lot healthier ?

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Heather
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I'd say that from the sounds of things, to make this relationship healthier, y'all have a lot of work to do.

So, I'd say the first thing to find out is if both of you are really up to that work, for real -- including things like one or both of you potentially re-learning, or maybe learning for the first time -- healthy patterns like you having your own friendships and life, him letting go of a lot of controls, him accepting 'No" without problems with sex, etc.

And that might mean therapy for one or both of you, time apart -- not a day, maybe weeks or months -- a lot.

Finding out if that's something both of you would be deeply committed to strikes me as the very first step and thing to find out. Because if he and you aren't very interested in radically changing the dynamics here, and probably doing a lot of hard work, some of which may make you both uncomfortable, to do that, the relationship isn't very likely to change.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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Thankyou for your time help and advice heather, I do agree with you that ALOT needs changing and I know it's not something that will happen over night, Thankyou you were really helpful [Smile]
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Heather
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Are you two in London proper? I ask because you could probably both find a couple educational groups/in-person helpers with this stuff fairly easily if so.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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I'm in the south east so about an hour or longer away from London [Smile]
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Ultraviolet
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You know what, I really think you were right before about its just sort If escalated as time has gone on, even after telling him how I felt he doesn't seem to be giving the effort I am :/. I'm really trying to make things work and I don't feel like I'm getting the same back. Lately as you may know I had a preg scare and I had gone to teen clinic, but obviously younhadbto give your home address I told them not to send letters but I'm scared they will and my mum will find out. I think everything is all getting to much, I can't sleep I just feel really down and alone I truly have no one I can talk too, no family members and no friends :/
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Heather
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So, sounds like maybe the next first step you could take for yourself is seeing about getting back to some of your friendships or making new friends?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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Definitely, going to try meeting up with more of my friends and spend more time with them and I got a new year at college so maybe it's a good time to make a few new friends to [Smile]
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Heather
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Fantastic.

And maybe go back, look at that stay/go piece one more time?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ultraviolet
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I will do I'm gonna have a really good read and think about everything, and start doing whats best for me [Smile]
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