I have a huge crush on my neighbor. It's pretty clear he likes me--the past few times he's bumped into my parents or my brother he's asked about me and we hung out twice earlier this year (first time we went on a walk and another time we had lunch).
The last time we tried to hang out there was some miscommunication. I thought it was just going to be he and I having lunch but it turned out his other buddies were coming but they couldn't get a hold of one guy and were trying to climb up to knock on the window of his apartment and I was sitting in his buddy's car like "what am I even doing?" So I just left.
Yeah he should have been more up front about the change in plans. Yeah I should have been more up front about what I wanted to do. It's been a few months since this incident and I realize that while I was pissed off and annoyed he didn't do anything mean and didn't understand entirely why I was so annoyed because I didn't just say "hey I thought this was just going to be you and me--let's reschedule our plans". In retrospect it's kind of like this comedy of errors. Afterward we both felt embarrassed and shy of each other and I felt one part "fine, whatever--I don't need this" and one part "but wait a minute, damn it, I really like this guy!"
Lesson in poor communication anyone?
I thought I could drop it and move on but here's the rub--I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Because the couple of times we hung out together it was great. I can talk to him like I've known him for years and we have great chemistry and rapport. He's funny and sweet and kind.
Last month a coworker came to get me for a work trip and as I hugged my parents goodbye I looked over my dad's shoulder and he was there. He just wanted to say goodbye and was tender and friendly and I hugged him feeling genuinely happy and surprised to see him.
There was a big summer event in our neighborhood this weekend and I texted him asking whether I would see him, trying to extend an olive branch. He was out of town but said he still felt bad and hoped we could spend time together again soon.
Part of me is like--I want this guy in my life so much and I don't know why. I'm inexplicably sprung for him and I like being with him. If I'm being honest I admit to being really attracted to him. I admire his comfort with people and think it's nice he makes conversation with my little brother and my parents when he sees them on our street. We met because we kept passing each other on the sidewalk and flirting and finally at the same time were just like, "What's you're name already??"
The other part of me is a little nonplussed.
I've never been in any kind of relationship or shared attraction with someone and I'm kind of terrified. Because it feels like he likes me a whole lot and I know I like him. But I guess the idea of someone being attracted to me is new and scary and feels really big.
I just want to try this again and get to know the sweet boy next door better. Is that crazy?
What do you think?
He'll be home in a week. I'm thinking of inviting him to the zoo with me and just spending the day with him. And saying when I see him something like 'Hey--I'm sorry about before. Can we agree to communicate better in the future? I really like you and want you in my life but I need both of us to be upfront and honest. Friends?' I can't imagine him having anything but a positive reaction.
I don't want to BS this guy so if this sounds really direct that's deliberate.
Any thoughts or insights would be most appreciated!
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It sounds like you've thought about this a lot and, for what it's worth, I think what you're expressing here makes a lot of sense.
I don't see any reason why you shouldn't invite him out for coffee, or a trip to the zoo. Yes, it certainly is scary to try something new, particularly when we have this kind of attraction for someone, but I'm hearing here a lot more arguments to go ahead and get to know him better than I'm hearing arguments not to.
Is there anything specific you're afraid of, or afraid of happening, here?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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As to talking to him again, honestly, I'd cut out the "but I need both of us to be upfront and honest" part if the incident where he invited his friends along was an honest mistake (he forgot to mention it, or he's just so used to hanging with them that he made the assumption that you'd know)... I don't know. To me, that sounds like something one would say after a purposeful lie, rather than what seems like an accidental one. I'd instead just throw out there that you feel upset that there was that miscommunication about that lunch, and you're sorry for the way you acted. Chances are, he'll apologize for miscommunicating without being prompted.
I get that it feels like this huge thing since you really like this guy, and I'm not trying to diminish your feelings. However, this sounds like the only incident where something like this has happened, so jumping on something that in all likelihood was a completely human mistake just seems a little premature to me. But you are perfectly allowed to disregard my advice if you think it unwise or unfit, seeing as you know your situation better than I do.
As for wanting to get to know him better, I'd say go for it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I think. As my mom has been so very fond of saying, "It's a date, not a marriage proposal!" It's scary to think about even asking someone out, I know, but totally worth it. (And you needn't label it a date if you don't want to. In fact, it sounds like you want to give this guy a trial run of sorts before you ask him out, so if you do go for it, call it whatever makes you the most comfortable in the moment.)
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Thanks for your prompt replies, I really appreciate it!
I totally agree with what you're saying, CSandSourpatch. I recognize that in situations like these where my feelings are big I sometimes get overcome by 'flee! flee!' impulses and I really feel like reconnecting with this guy will be a good thing. I like your amendment to what I want to say to him, as well. Thanks!
Robin Lee, I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I guess the idea of someone possibly being attracted to me is weird for me to wrap my head around. I've been the limerant one but I've never been in a situation like this one where it really feels like maybe my feelings are being reciprocated. Whenever I'm faced with that idea my prevailing attitude is one of "What? Me? No, no--you're mistaken, I'm just concretejungle, you must have me confused for someone else." I guess part of my identity narrative is that people like me, if they do, because I'm different and weird and smart and kind and I do my own thing. To bring someone wanting me like that into that idea is foreign and new and just kind of weird. Like, "Really? WHY?"
I guess because I tried to be dismissive of this guy's apparent interest in me because it scared me a little. But I couldn't because I think of him so often and because he kept asking after me and then I was like, "Wait, maybe this is actually happening to me. But why? Does not compute!"
I'm sure this isn't entire logical but...eugh. Do you feel me? Or am I just being ridiculous?
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