Ok this is prob gonna be a long depressing post so apologies in advance.
I'm 21 and I've been in 3 long term relationships. I have ended all 3 because of being cheated on. I feel that throughout all 3 relationships I was extremely worried about being cheated on, I always suspected it was happening, would have nightmares about my boyfriend being with other girls or finding out he cheated, I always thought the worst I guess. At the time I tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid and I'd never act on my crazy, jealous feelings. On the inside I'd consider myself an extremely insecure, paranoid mess but on the outside I'd always try to give off a I couldn't care less kind of vibe. Even when on the inside I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him (or the girl), most of the time I'd succeed in keeping my mouth shut.
All three times I ended up finding out that I had been right the whole time, that I wasn't paranoid, that he really was lying and cheating the whole time.
Now I just feel like I've lost all hope when it comes to men and relationships. It feels like every guy my age is going to cheat so what the hell is the point. I'm so sick of getting hurt and I'm so sick of being made look like a fool.
I think turning into a psycho jealous control freak is the biggest turn off ever and I'm so scared I'm going to become like that. I don't want to drive every guy crazy, accusing him of stuff, trying to have a snoop through his phone, facebook stalking etc.
Ever since my last long term relationship ended (he cheated) I don't even want to get close to anyone because as soon as I care about them the stress of worrying about getting hurt or looking stupid starts to ruin my life. I don't know how to get past this. I don't even know if I want to because I genuinely believe there's more of a chance the guy will cheat then he won't. I try to act confident and focus on my own life but I get to caught up in worrying about them to enjoy anything.
WHAT'S THE POINT IN LOVING ANYONE??? I ONLY END UP GETTING HURT. EVERY TIME.
Posts: 25 | From: Rockin the nation from a secret location | Registered: Jan 2012
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Hey, Hayley: sorry to hear you're in this kind of space right now. It sure is a rough one to be in.
The first things I'd ask is what all your experiences with love in life have been like: do you also feel there's no point in loving family or friends? have you never had ANY kind of relationship where you have loved someone and where you've felt they treated you with love and care back?
I also think it's likely that some of this is both about your choices in relationships: I'm wondering why, for example, when you had these worries each time, you stayed in those relationships, rather than recognizing that your worries may have been founded in realities?
I suppose I'm also wondering if that effort you were putting into making it look like you weren't invested in these relationships may have been successful. In other words, if that act, as it were, wasn't convincing to who you were with, so they invested less in the relationship, to, since you made it look like you weren't that invested, either.
And of course, when we have very low expectations for people, they generally will tend to meet -- and not exceed - them. So, if we think, for example, every guy is going to cheat, we tend to be way more likely to choose partners who will.
For sure, I'm also sure some of this is also just bad luck, something you can't have any control over.
But ultimately, I'm not hearing you describe what sound like big love relationships to me. I'm not hearing what sounds like you really coming to anything open-hearted (which includes, I'd say, being very open to potentially getting hurt or "looking stupid"), and being clear with partners about that, you getting gradually invested and building love and trust together with someone, and all of this being reciprocal. So, one thing I'd consider is that you actually haven't yet even experienced love -- maybe even on your part -- in a romantic or sexual relationship yet.
And one barrier to that, I'd suspect, is what sounds like you still not making a lot of headway at loving yourself: at ditching a lot of the insecurity you express feeling, at walking away from something when it doesn't feel right and you don't feel right in it, and at only really opening up to someone when it DOES feel right and mutual trust and care really is something that's been built. because really, that all has to come BEFORE love can, since they're some of its biggest building blocks: know what I mean?
Mind, no one has to have sexual or romantic relationships, or have sexual relationships that are about capital L-love. That's a choice. So, if, now or later, you don't feel like there's a point? Then by all means, you don't have to pursue or be part of those relationships. And maybe, given how things have gone and how you've felt, taking a really big break from those kinds of relationships, and looking for them, might be just the thing for you. I think that, for a while, focusing on learning to love and care for yourself well, develop more self-esteem, and perhaps invest more in other kinds of relationships where love can be present, like friendships or family relationships, might be just the thing for you for now.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63668 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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