posted
I have a few questions regarding dating. If there are any articles related to what I'm asking can you link them? (I looked "dating," "first date," up couldn't find much)
Okay so tomorrow I have a date, well, to meet a guy from a online dating site. So far the conversations we've had on the dating site in the messages and now in text messages, it's going pretty well.
What isn't wise to say on the first date?
What are the warning signs of a date asking for something I don't want? Sex, drugs, anything to make me feel uncomfortable.
Is it okay to talk about what our intentions in a relationship are? like Long-term relationship, short-term, serious, sexual, etc.
Maybe I should ask what is appropriate to talk about on a first date and what isn't?
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it's cool just to think about a date in the same terms as relationships in general.
So really you're looking to see how compatible you two are with eachother and for what, be-it friendship, relationship, mortal enemies, whatever. What you're saying isn't just impress to the other person... and so it's totally cool to bring up topics that completely bomb with them if it's the kind of thing you want to talk about and they're just not compatible enough with you to 'get-it'. You learn something there.
If it's really important to you to know what his intentions are, and you feel comfortable asking now, then it's worth asking.
You could check with him about what he wants to talk about by saying, for example: "are you comfortable talking about x,y,z because I'm really interested to hear what you think and see if we're in the same place... or shall we just leave that for another date?"... You can quite casually negotiate those boundaries, if improvising doesn't feel doable for you.
As per avoiding stuff that you don't want to get into... meeting in a public place where you have a clear get-away and can be in control of the situation, can mean that you can turn down any of those things without having to feel pressured into it.
Not sure there are warning signs, other than just your gut, which it's worth responding to, even if you're wrong there's no need to go through with a date which feels really uncomfortable... Also if the person has lied about what they look like in a big way (not just that they're 2 inches shorter than they said)... I'd say that'd send off a couple of warning bells in my head, that this person isn't someone I feel comfortable trusting.
I have a question. Does age matter in a relationship?
I met someone who is really nice, respectful, gentle and really sweet. He cares deeply about his daughter. When I'm talking with him and when I hung out with him, his age never bothered me. Others may think I can do better or someone my age. How old is too old? My parents are 17 years apart and I don't find that a massive deal.
I don't want others to judge me for seeing or possibly dating someone older than I am.
A few weeks ago I asked my cousin if it mattered if I dated someone who is 10 years older than I am, she said, no, but asked me if I wanted to date someone like that, I said I don't know but I'm open to someone that is 10 years older than I am I'm fine with it.
Him and I have talked about dating and our feelings, he told me it's up to me. He doesn't push me he is very patient.
Does age really matter in a relationship? Does someone having a child make things more difficult, because I think it doesn't make things difficult.
I don't want to be judged that is my main concern. The feeling of judgment bothers me.
I'm not going to release information on the age of the person I can say the age gap is lower than my parents age gap is.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think that's a tricky question, because anything and everything can matter in any kind of relationship.
That said, it's usually younger people who will say or think age doesn't matter: older people will usually say they know that it usually does (if they're being honest) and that it can make big differences. It's easier to know that, really, when you have already been the age of the younger person, even if your lives were pretty different. We know, for example, that who we were at 20 tends to be a very different person than who we are at 30, 40 or 50, and that what relationship skills and priorities we had then will have tended to be very different than even ten years later.
As well, all kinds of people are going to have all kinds of opinions about nearly everything. Anything we do or don't do can result in judgment from other people. No matter what we do or don't in life, there's no avoiding that possibility.
If you're asking if age differences can create issues in relationships, yes, they can. And the larger the age difference, often the more challenging it can be in some ways.
Personally, in your case, my main concern would be a) that you have had a lot of complex issues you have needed help working with around sex and dating, period, and haven't really started on any of that yet, and b) as a survivor of family sexual abuse, an older sexual partner, particularly someone who is also father, would make that AWFULLY tricky for most survivors in that position to navigate. Especially if they hadn't yet even really started any counseling or healing work.
Does having children -- one person having children they had before dating -- complicate dating? Most typically, yes. People who are parenting rarely can go about their other relationships or dating in a way that those of us without them can.
To boot, it's pretty complicated for the children involved, especially if and when someone gets to a point in a dating relationship where the child is involved in any way. I'd say if you have the idea a child in the mix makes no difference, you probably want to give yourself a reality check around that, and make sure you're even ready to date someone with a kid: if so, I think you need to be ready for it to make quite a big difference and for it to pose some challenges, because it usually will.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I understand judgments are everywhere and there is no way around getting out of them.
It's not a massive large age difference and yes he has a daughter which she is 3. He got a divorce because she was gold-digging him and he tried dealing with the fact of what she was using him for money.
I'm not going to ask him if I can meet his daughter if we ended up dating, I would want to be sure in the relationship so his daughter doesn't fall attached to me. If I end up dating him, I would want to date for at least 3 months before meeting his daughter.
I know I have a lot of complex issues around sex and dating and I'm on a wait list for counseling and I'm seeing my doctor next week to discuss my health concerns and counseling (which would take 4-8 weeks to start counseling) and yes being a victim of sexual abuse.
I'm willing to change for myself if I do have a relationship with him. Not sure Heather but I am working hard on myself, not sure if you know that, but I am. I'm not just saying that to make things better, No I'm not in counseling but yes, I'm working on my issues. I do have to be honest, my mood is down because of my grandma being in the hospital with brain and lung cancer stage 1 and finding out she stopped breathing. That is the only hard thing that I'm dealing with at the moment and yes there are other struggles as well and I'm coping very well with.
I'm getting my financial struggles worked out; having a full time shift work overnight is really rewarding.
I'm going to push myself to talk about this with my cousin and see what she thinks, but she is going to tell me it's my choice but she will most likely discuss it with me.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I hope you know that when I voiced that concern for you, it wasn't about me saying you haven't made efforts of your own. I know you've been doing a lot over just the past few months, and that some of the help you haven't gotten is something that isn't in your control.
I only voiced that concern because I do have it. If I'm honest, I'd say I have it about you dating, period, at this point, because based on what I know of you and what I've read from you over the time I have, it strikes me as potentially trying to do that too soon, especially with where you were at even less than a year ago and you not yet getting any counseling around your abuse.
But those are my concerns, and I'm just putting them out there as someone who works with you. You, obviously, still get to make your own choices, and get to put as much or as little stock in my concerns and opinions as you want to.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I need to step out for about an hour and half to do testing for my doctor and I'll come back and read the articles and thank you Heather.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Heather, I read them all, I mainly read What's Age Got To Do With It? I read the other two, I just stopped reading the other two because it didn't stick out to me as the one I read. I have to say, the 'So, Can It Work?' section really opened my thoughts up more. The article really helped me.
After my night shift tonight 11pm to 7am, both him and I are going to hang out before he has to head off to work I think this is a great opportunity to talk about things that are important like the 'So, Can It Work?' part in the article, which has a ton of things I should bring up; what he did my age, what I may be like 10 years from now to 20 years from now, so on and so on; talk openly about sex and sexual health and safety, hang out with not just him but his friends and family and vice-versa, to go out and enjoy ourselves.
I know it's my choice in deciding what to do next and when him and I hang out I'll talk to him about the things I'm going to talk to him about, from the list from the article and some of my own questions. I haven't yet had a chance to discuss this with my cousin. I was going to while we ate dinner together, it was a perfect time to bring it up. I need to talk to him before I talk to her about it. I need to have my answers answered first.
I understand the difference of me being 19 and not knowing what 29 feels like, at 19 my life is just starting and even at 29. 29 I may be more mature, have a blooming successful career that has took off or even expanding my career. I don't know what 29 feels like because I'm not 29. I may have a child then or children, or just getting started on children and marriage. 19 till 29, many things may happen and change for the better or even worse.
I know it doesn't refer me but the 'Age, Consent and... Rape?!' part does and doesn't refer to me. I'm of age and therefore am able to consent. He isn't in an authority over me so that isn't even an issue. The rape part, yes I've been sexually abused as a child, I'm not sure if the age is even related at all. I was strictly looking for a relationship and we met, talked, it went well. We text and he really loves his daughter and when he was at work he told me he couldn't wait to see her. We talk about different things in text messages and when we met in person we talked. There is a spark and I felt comfortable around him when we met. All I can do is wait till tomorrow to discuss the questions with him. He even said to me which I came across in the articles, that I'm young and my life is just beginning and his has taken off already. He asked me if I was planning on going to school and what I wanted to do if I figured it out yet. I was surprised that he asked me that. I was honest with him, that I'm still thinking if I want to start in the Winter or next fall and if I don't in the Winter I am next fall. He said that it was good that I have plans most people don't he admitted he didn't have it all well-rounded at my age.
The one article I was reading but stopped, was the one about the girl being 22 and in a relationship with a 60 year old man. It fascinated me a bit that she explained she didn't want him to use her for a De-stressor and such. I'm not using him for a De-stressor I'm truly looking for a relationship, long term, honest, passion, trust, friendly, fun, and such, not for sexual purposes, sure it may go in that direction like most relationships do. I do have a relationship with him, I'm not dating him, but we have a friend relationship right now which I like. I know it's still early in knowing if it could turn into something more then just a friend relationship.
Tomorrow when we hang out I'll talk about everything with him, get his thoughts, feelings and suggestions/concerns about it all.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI Alergnon,
If I'm reading this right, you were going to hang out with him today. How did that go?
I think it's important to remember in all of this that a first date doesn't commit you to anything. I realize that you're looking for a long-term relationship, but the likelihood of finding that from the first first-date you go on is pretty small, whether or not you discuss the serious things you have mentioned.
To make a silly example: If you are disgusted by people who slurp their coffee, and you go on a date with a guy who slurps every single sip of his coffee louder than you've ever heard anyone slurp their coffee before, you're not going to want to se him again, regardless of whether you have conversations about compatibility, sexual expectations, etc.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4330 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
It didn't work out. At first it was going well, just some conflicting things happened within me and his answers, so the best thing for me was to not continue our friendship.
I am going out with a friend/co-worker to a pool and dart pub type thing to play pool with her. I need to get out and enjoy myself.
I'm still going to look around but right now, I may stay off the online dating sites and just get out and meet new people instead like today, going out with my friend to play pool maybe I'll meet people there, well I should it's a pool and dart place. Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
That sounds like an extremely sensible choice, Alergnon, as you felt conflicted and listened to that. It's usually in our best interests to listen to our guts.
It's fantastic that you're taking such good care of yourself with chilling out with your buddy and playing some pool.
I hope you have/had fun and got to relax a bit, and I agree - you do need some time to enjoy yourself.
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, while I still feel like a sexual or serious relationship isn't such a good call for you, looking at your last few posts, I feel like I was hasty in saying that dating, period, didn't seem like such a good idea. And I'm really sorry, because I feel like I underestimated you and the progress you've made, Alergnon.
Seeing you evaluate things like this, rather than kind of desperately grabbing at them, and screening someone out based on your feelings, and what you want like this? It makes pretty clear I was obviously wrong in my assessment about dating and you.
Again, I'm sorry for that, and kudos to you: sounds like you're doing really well with this.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I had a great time with my friend playing pool it was funny, I laughed so hard, never thought playing pool was fun. We talked about some pretty interesting and funny things that other people around us (guys) were looking over at us. Haha.
So, I'm talking then my friend is talking, next thing I know, "Hey, here is my number..." I was shocked someone came up to me and gave me his number, LOL. My friend her jaw dropped to the floor, I forgot what he said to me I just remember the paper he gave me.
I called the number, he wasn't there, so left a message.
I'm still laughing over it. I saw him and inside I'm like, "wow he is... really good looking!" Okay I know this brings back to the conversation, I had no idea who he was. I had bought a vodka shot and he took my order, yes I was flirting with him. Anyways, once I paid for the drink he is like, "Your really beautiful," What a flattering thing to say. I told my friend. He is the owner of the pool and darts place and the bar.
I even guessed his age, because he asked me to guess it before I bought the drink, well I asked him how much the drink was. Overall it was really fun to get out and have fun, can I also say be 'wild' and 'free' like a human.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Heather it's okay, I needed it, it helped me think more and the articles really helped me.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks for being understanding about my gaffe.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
I'm feeling a bit more better with myself, I learned some very good, excellent information and thoughts from that one article that I read. I will be referring myself back to the article more and more.
My day off yesterday was really fun, I enjoy playing pool.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
Also sounds like in a relatively short time -- less than a year -- you've figured out ways to let off steam and have fun that don't do you harm and support you feeling good rather than giving you new things to feel bad about. I think that's fantastic.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Wonder what I should do tomorrow on my day off? Hmmm, hehe. Maybe go to the pool, dart and bar again, see if my friend would like to tag with Kinda hard to play pool by yourself... in less someone there would join, aha. Who wouldn't I'm "cute" and I'm very nice.
This morning... my friend sent me a text message hoping it would be the guy who gave me his number, haha, got all worked up for nothing. He finally texted me I guess he was at the dentist...
He also seems very chill and relaxed not all like, tense and angry. I think my attraction to him has to do with (he isn't all that tall but taller than I am... I'm 4 9) how tall he is but he wore this hat and it just, you know that feeling of, "Oh my what am I seeing..." wide eyed. I was like that, hehe. But I was so consumed in other things his appearance wasn't like what I was looking at. When I bought a shot, that was when his personality stood out to me. The light humor he made was really sweet and innocent. I gave him my ID and he's like, "what is this for..." and smiled at me. Me I'm like, "hmm ID for my age..." One of his employers is like, "Why what age do you think you are?" He tried to even talk my friend into buying me the shot for me, telling her if I was her date, she is like, "we're just playing some pool and we're friends having a good time," and he's like, "awe well, I think your friend deserves a friend like you to pay for it..." I paid for it myself. I think he was disappointed in me buying my own shot and my friend didn't.
Anyways, I will be going back to the pool, dart and bar again, I love their jukebox!
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
So I'm getting to know the guy who gave me his number more. He's right when he doesn't give his number out to just anyone. He hasn't been in a relationship for years because he said he was never interested and when he saw me he is now interested but doesn't know why, he can't really answer why. He said, "To answer ur question about y I gave u my number... I just had a feeling. Sometimes when u see someone something clicks. For some reason ur looks, body, eyes did something different for me." Then he is like, "Unexplainable really...."
I told him when I saw him I was pulled into him and I never knew he was, who he was, just I was pulled in, I even can't explain the feeling either. It was just breath taking. I've never felt that way before, pulled in like that with anyone and I never even talked to him when it happened. When I did, my mind got cloudy and foggy, I literally couldn't see him, his appearance just, I have no idea what I saw the feeling was just overpowering like head lighted but a good feeling, relaxed.
Then at the bar, I saw him, I mean I really saw him even after being introduced to him, once I ordered and he did light humor I saw him, his appearance. Yes, I saw him when I got introduced but I could never see him until at the bar. I have no idea if that even makes sense or what I even experienced makes sense. I understood what he was telling me, I understood it clearly.
What is like happening? Is what I described even normal?
I'm going to hang with him in an hour before I work at 11pm. I feel nervous but the feeling of relaxed and feeling free is overpowering the feeling of being nervous.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, sounds to me like he put it well: sometimes, we feel connections with people right off the bat. And often, that's how initial strong attraction works, too. Nothing so super-inexplicable about that in my book. Attraction often does tend to be pretty instant for a lot of people. I'd just not affix all kinds of extra meaning unto it, especially when you have just met someone and don't know each other at all well to know if it is anything more than that.
Maybe this is a first time for you of feeling strong attraction?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Strong Attraction? Yes, maybe. I just, how am I suppose to explain this, I've never felt a strong attraction before, I've been attracted to others but it wasn't like what I felt and are feeling. Just throughout my veins their just... relaxed. I have butterflies in my stomach but they don't feel like butterflies when your a kid, it's just all over. It's like a knot but a relaxed one... This what I felt yesterday when I saw him, the feeling to cry, but I... I have no idea, like, it's powerful. I'm not sure how to explain this.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
On the whole, strong attraction really isn't something we can explain, just like we can't really explain why we have cravings for one kind of food and not another when it's not about nutritional needs.
The bonus is we don't need to explain those feelings: we can just experience them.
And you're right, that CAN feel very powerful.
In your case, since you've had a history with connections that have had a lot of danger or potential harm involved, some of what you're feeling might also be experiencing what it's like when you not only feel a strong attraction, but it's not about taking big risks or doing yourself harm with someone else, if you catch my drift.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Okay I need to get going so I'm not late. I'll let you know tomorrow morning (when I return back from work) how it went. Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yesterday evening till I left (which he drove me because it was raining) we watched 2 TV shows and a movie on Netflix. Then work was supper busy, I mean I started at 11pm and it felt like an hour went by and my co-worker is like, "It;s 1:30am" I'm like wow. I'm still doing the same thing since 11pm, which consisted a ton of baking. I had to of baked 800 muffins not including, breakfast stuff, oatmeal (which takes 2 hours to make) helping with glazing and putting fondon on donuts and cleaning and going inside and out to get to the main freezer outside for boxes, then cleaning... Spent like over an hour cleaning.
After work I went back to his place, I took a shower felt better after, all that sugar that got stuck to my skin was gone. We watched some si-fi show and we where goofing around after.
I'm not sure what I would call him and I. We click and just chill, you know. I felt relaxed with him and safe. His age at this point doesn't really do anything, it doesn't define me at all, if someone respects me and offers things that most guys would never ask, it shouldn't really matter.
My cousin had sent me a text message because I had left yesterday evening and I was just letting her know I'm hanging out with a friend and would return around noon. She sent me a message that said, "You didn't come back last night?? Seems like you haven't slept in too long!! Be careful. Thx for the message."
I can't wait to work, Saturday and Sunday work 7am to 3pm (thought I worked the night shift but I'm being trained still) then Monday to Thursday all night shifts, 11pm to 7am. Can't wait to get paid next Friday so I can pay my bills...
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
In general, when we've just had a first date with someone after we only met them the night before, I don't think we call each other anything, really, just like if we just met someone and hung out with them one time as a friend. We might not even call that person our friend yet, you know?
Getting to know people takes a while, and same goes with figuring out what our relationship is with them and then talking about that together. But that's okay: we don't have to have names for that process beyond "getting to know them."
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yea 800 Muffins is intense... lol, for me. Lifting 20 muffins on the rack for the oven, putting it in closing the door and opening the door just to bring them out to cool. I slightly burned myself a few times, didn't hurt it was like a silver touch.
I don't feel tired nor awake at the moment. Wednesday was my day off and I I stayed up all night then, just getting 3 hours of sleep and Thursday I tried to nape but you know how hard it is when there is literally construction beside you? I was half asleep and I was in the process of texting someone and next thing you know, *BOOM* then the house shock, like a earthquake. They created a new road to deroute the traffic right beside the trail that goes really far and beyond the city. Now there is massive hole in the road... so yesterday I never slept and I stayed up all night last night and it's almost 12:30pm here, I'm still wide awake. They are still at the construction... I know I need rest...
Yea. I know we're friends. I love how he is so laid back and chill. I'm not wanting to label it, I know we're friends and that's a common thing to say.
Okay, I'm forcing myself to go to bed with all this loud construction going on...
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well my work is cut out for me, my massive nap was really good. The construction wasn't to bad, woke up to things I need to be doing for a web site I'm volunteering for, but that's about it.
So him and I are going to hang out again sometime, not sure when because his pool, dart and bar is going to be busy for the next 6-9 months.
He expressed that most people look at owners of a bar to be whores and sleeping around. He told me he'd rather not have sex because it's not the only thing and there are things to do that are fun to do besides sex. The conversation came up after we're goofing around and that someone was at his door. I told him I'd rather not have sex either, like it's great but it's not the only thing.
So why do people typically see bar owners to "getting around"?
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
But then I also don't understand -- oddly, was *just* talking about this on facebook -- why people use "whore" to mean something other than "sex worker," and why people use that word otherwise, and as an insult, the way that they do.
So, I may be the wrong person to ask about this. Especially since I also don't have any judgments to make about how few or how many people anyone chooses to engage in sex with, either, and don't tend to put any stock in the opinions of people who do make those kinds of judgements.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yea, maybe the word "whore" isn't a great word to use.
I wanted to ask, I'm 19 and therefore it's my choice what to do with it, right? I know this myself. Yesterday evening I went to his place, then left for work from there. After work I went back and hung out with him. I'm wanting to again tonight, but I work in the morning and my cousin knows I work in the morning and she may... "catch on" to me disappearing and question me. I'm not going to his place to sleep with him, we haven't really done much, we fooled around this morning but nothing massive.
She asked me how my friend was, I said she is good. I then said, yea she is having a birthday party at the pool, dart and bar and she wants me to come with, which I am if I'm not working. She thinks I've been hanging with her yesterday evening and this morning. I even said, we watched some TV shows on Netflix and such... meaning I was referring to the guy but I said, her... I know I can't hide this for a long time. But, it's my private life, my private sexual life, personal life, fun life, relaxed life, and friends part of it and where I go.
When I came back I just talked about how busy work was. She never asked me about where I was, and I said in a text message before I was out with a friend before work.
Is this a normal feeling? Feeling not paranoid but a bit private in telling others because it is a private thing.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
It's absolutely normal to feel private about things.
There are good secrets and bad secrets, you know?
It sounds like you're worried about this, though. Can you say more about what it is that is making you want to keep this private? It sounds like you're getting to the point where you're going to have to weave increasingly elaborate stories to explain your absence.
Do you worry about judgment from your cousin? Has she said things before to make you think that she thinks about and worries about what you do with your time?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4330 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yes, I am worried about this, not because of where I'm going just the outcome of my cousins response. I'm wanting to keep this private, not only myself but him as well. He had a horrible year from his past girlfriend which resulted him in calling the police on her, anyways, he wants him and I to be private. He hasn't dated in a year due to that reason. He said he never gave anyone his number or anything and when he saw me he gave me his number.
I don't find him to be an issue at all, he respects me, he doesn't try anything weird or take advantage of me. He is 38. My one friend knows his age which is fine, she didn't judge me but joked and said, "you like older men don't you." To some others they may find it an issue, it's my personal choice what I do with my life and who I hang around.
Yes, I'm worried to be judged by her. It's annoying when she nags me, I mean, all break loose inside of me, I stand their and listen. Yes I also tell her okay I get it I don't want to talk about it anymore, she continues. She has said she feels like she needs to be my parent and that I'm an adult and she should treat me like one. I never asked her to be my parent at all.
Some things she has nagged me about is, like yesterday, she went on and on about me cleaning my bathroom, which I did, to her It's not well cleaned. I cleaned the tub and toilet. So if I set the cleaning stuff to the side, she puts it back in the doorway... hmm, yea. She doesn't use the bathroom, it's basically my bathroom. Oh, and about dishes... if I forget to wash a pot that I used she gets all like, "somebody forgot to clean her dishes..." Literally, I let it soak and I put it in the sink an hour before. Yes, I've left dishes out, so does she.
It's incredibly hard to actually cope properly and I miss cigarettes to death. I stopped due to doctors where blaming my smoking on my health. Smoking for me is very private so I'd rather not have people know this. My cousin goes on and on if she smells cigarettes, sees someone who smokes, etc., and goes on and on about the health concerns. I get it, it's bad, I know this... last thing I want her to do is know that, she would nag me everyday about smoking.
Other than that she is fine. I like her, we laugh and such.
About the time part, she has worried about me not sleeping nor eating due to I work over nights. Like, first week was training during the day, the week that just past, I worked nights and I had went out to a "friends house" and chilled with him then went to work. After work I hung with him again till he needed to get to work. She texted me telling me she is worried about my sleep and eating. "You didn't come back last night?? Seems like you haven't slept in too long!! Be careful. Thx for the message." she sent me. She thinks I'll get very ill. I'm fine.
Honestly, I need to stop worrying myself of what she will ask or tell me. I've never had anyone over before, I don't do drugs nor drink, I respect her house, and yes I'll admit I'm behind on rent but I am getting paid next week and will pay the rent and over due fee that she charged each week, that is the only thing that I haven't done. She doesn't have rules but to not invite others over when she isn't home or okay with it when she doesn't know them.
Who I hang out is my choice and my sexual life is private and if I choose to tell others then that is my choice. I'm still thinking if I should tell her I'm hanging with a friend who is male, she may want to meet him know his age, what he does, etc., so, at this point that is private. Him and I haven't even had sex, we just goof around, but mainly hang out, cuddle and just relax.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Well, it sounds like your cousin is being a little doting and condescending but that you are getting along with her overall. It sounds like while she's treating you a bit like a child (as you say, you didn't ask her to parent you) overall she's expressing concern more than anything, and isn't asking you to account for your time.
So, it's up to you what you do and don't tell her, though I will say that sometimes when we get into making up stories and telling different people different things, it can be hard to keep up with the things we made up.
It sounds like you really want to respect this guy's privacy. I'm also glad to hear though that you've told a few people about him. It's one thing to be private about something, and quite another to keep it secret altogether.
It sounds like you're still thinking on what to tell your cousin and still just taking things as they come with your dates with this guy.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4330 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
You think? My cousin literally freaked out (I haven't seen her yet) I sent her a message telling her I'm out at a friends house for the night. She texted me back asking me, what the person's name is, their address and phone number. She then called me, asking me who the person is. I finally told her I'm at a friends house and it's a guy (facepalm) she went on and on about what if something happened to me and no one would know. She asked me his name, where I'm at and a phone number. I also expressed that I'm an adult and that she wants to treat me like one and I didn't feel like she was. I felt attacked by her.
She asked me if I'm safe. I said I was. She told me to call her before I start work. She told me if I didn't want to tell her where I am to tell someone where I am and to give them her number. I haven't done that yet.
Honestly... what the heck do I do? She told me, if I never told her where I was she wouldn't of been so concerned and worried about me she was more worried of me being at a guys house. She doesn't know I was at his house the night before. Even before work and after work I went to his place. She told me I don't know anything about this person if I've known him for a few days that he's still a stranger.
*blah blah blah*
I feel I shouldn't have told her at all. I told her because I wanted her to know I wasn't home but no I made it worse by telling her.
May I kick a Trash-Can? I feel, dumb in telling her. She isn't home when I came back from work, prepare for the unknown and I need to be doing things. I need to volunteer and sign up for more potions online for volunteer work, it's all online. Work was shitty today and yesterday, not that it crappy just, boring and busy and the time felt like it was dragging. Glad my two days of store front training is complete, can't wait for my normal work tomorrow night as a baker.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
A lot has happened in just two days, just two days.
Yesterday morning I had cleaned my drawer out and desk of paper and filed bill receipts, bank statements, medical statements and such. As I was finishing putting away my statements for tax returns my cousin sat on the bottom step of the stairs and started to talk. We haven't spoken much since. She told me she thinks I'm ready to go out on my own and that I'm an adult and that I have December 1st to move out. I, I was basically shocked and said, "okay." I had planned on doing a bunch of catching up on, for my volunteer work online, to answer someone I'm helping and just a bunch of other things. I got a call from my work and I left to drop off my information and went to M's house for a few hours.
I then got mail that stated I needed to call the doctor's office (reason they put my cell number incorrect) the nurse I spoke with told me I need to do some blood work and fast for 14 hours, and to call another doctors office for the Psychiatrist and I luckily have a appointment for Friday (I was shocked at how fast that took) all the blood work they did, when I see my doctor Thursday afternoon she's going to review it.
I looked at a room yesterday and I'm very interested but I'm going to look at more.
I don't want to say something is wrong with me, but I feel something is, maybe it's nothing. I feel like such an idiot really. I'm working to the point I'm awake at 10pm to 7pm or 8pm and back up again at 10pm. I physically can not sleep when I do and need to get up, I'm tired but it passes quickly. I'm not eating a whole lot, maybe once a day but it's very little.
I don't feel horrible for what is going on with me, I feel like I'm just... (I have no idea). Things with my sexual life are messed which seems very odd considering the fact I'm not in a relationship, M has no idea what we are, he wants it to develop and I need more than that. "Let it develop..." what the hell does that mean? I'm so conflicted and stressed from needing to move out December 1st to financial issues to this, horrifying me.
Either way, (I'm going to get "you need to look at what you need here and right now you need therapy...") I feel no regret at all, I'm hardly one bit scared of what may or may not even happen. M and I had unprotected sex (twice), he used the pull out method and yea I know, it's a low risk but still a slight risk. I had a date this morning, he is my age, 21, and well, we had coffee and chatted. Then, I went to his place to watch a movie. After the movie we fooled around. He almost literally had sex but his step father came home and him and myself tip toed out the door.
I'm conflicted. Yes, I'm interested in a relationship but every time, somehow it leads to sexual behavior and I don't do anything to make them feel the need to feel aroused. Me on the other hand, I'm not asking for any sexual activity but when it comes around, I just basically needing it. My date this morning however, I asked him if he usually tries to sleep with his first date, he said no. There is a pattern here. Every guy I've been with, either the first time alone or second, me not doing anything sexual, they are interested in me sexually when I never lead them on. But, yes I have a thought of, "Touch me..." and I don't show it or say it and it happens.
I'm starting to believe something is damn right sexually revealing to guys, because 1) I don't touch them 2) I hardly look at them when we're close 3) it's hard for me to accept their move (kiss, touch, etc)
Given that, what am I doing in leading guys on? All my partners recently, have either 3-5 sexual partners when they're with me and me on the other hand I have about 12, wait... 14.
I'm losing weight pretty fast, my pants I bought like 2 and half months ago, when I bought them they fit well, 2 weeks after that, became baggy, now, when I sit or walk, they're falling off my waist/hips.
Is there someone physically luring to males when I'm not giving them sexual hints or idea's about myself and/or body? Most people think I'm young, I am, but being short and (skinny) I almost look like a child.
That one guy I was talking about who had the daughter and such. Yea, we hung out in his car in a parking lot, I never gave him sexual messages but he became to touch me and such. I let him. He put a condom on. The first thought that ran through my head was, "Hmmm, it's daylight and we're in a flipping parking lot, your penis is out, my bottoms are off..." he then guided my hand there. I pushed his penis away, I look up and a black car drove right beside us and parked meters in front of us. He told me he had never had a girl push his penis away and he felt awkward. He complained about having "blue balls" or something I told him to use the bathroom. He dropped me off and I walked home. I stopped talking to him. He told me I disrespected him and made him feel awkward by pushing his penis away.
I'm not looking for a sexual partner right from the start, a relationship is what I am looking for then sure a sexual one. But, somehow no matter what I do, they are turned on. I then enjoy it because they just you know, hit the spot where your like turned on and that is with my clothing still on!
No matter what I do, I'm finding every guy, teens, young adult, adults, older men they have this same face, they stare at me and me, I'm not wearing anything sexual. This morning, when I got blood work done and was waiting two different males looked at me and gave me that stare. When I walked out, they just looked at me and their eyes following me. I'm sorry but the the F@ck is wrong with me for them to like... be all sexual googly eyed about? In all honesty, I've never been sexual with any of my partners, I've never just surprised them sexually with whatever, I let them start. I'm not understanding.
Sorry if this is extremely long. I need to put everything out in the open.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't know how you do anything BUT let something develop where it's only been a few days of knowing someone.
If that seems really murky to you, one reason why might be a generational gap. That thing where people meet, date and immediately commit to some kind of relationship simply isn't something older people do, nor something a lot of people have done outside young people of the last 10 years or so.
I hear you taking responsibility -- or saying you're not -- for someone else's arousal. No matter what, you're not responsible for that. What you're responsible for is your own behavior.
So, at whatever point someone else wants something to be sexual, and you don't, it's on you to just nix it.
I'd also not say that someone putting out something sexual as something they want to do early is about something you're doing, or this odd thing that just happens to you. It's what people tend to do when they are finding out if that's something someone wants and they know they do, or when they think a relationship with someone may become a sexual one. Too, you've discussed often winding up with older guys, in this case MUCH older than you. So, some of this pacing likely has to do with that.
People can be turned on and deal with limits. I hear you saying you want a relationship first, one that develops over time, before anything sexual: are you making that clear to people you start seeing right from the start? In other words, are you saying that to them? And then if and when they make sexual overtures, are you holding that limit?
If you're not, then this is likely the part where your own behaviour isn't in alignment with you finding what you want. Consensual sex doesn't "just happen." Things don't "lead" to things. People make choices and actions. So, if sexual things are happening, and they're consensual, it's because you and whoever else is involved are choosing to do those things, you know?
It also sounds like you might still be stuck in a rut when it comes to very risky sexual behaviour, like unprotected sex with someone you literally just met last week. (Also, intercourse without a condom is NOT low risk: please remember that as far as STIs go, it's very high risk.)
(I'd also add that it sounds like there are probably some red flags with folks you've been missing, but this is one of the things I'd expect before you've had any real therapy when you grew up with sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse basically teaches victims NOT to see red flags.)
(I am willing to bet every dude on the planet is not looking at you sexually, by the way. Not because you aren't lovely and awesome, as I'm sure you are, but because it's human to have sexual feelings -- not just male -- but it's also human for people just to look at people. And none of us can know whether a look is 'sexual" or not from every single person we pass by. We generally will have to tend to know people for a while to know that about most. Just FYI, though, feeling like everyone's thoughts about you are or must be sexual is, unfortunately, another common impact of sexual abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse. On the bright side, it's one of the many things you can learn to get past once you actually start getting some qualified help.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
By the way, I realize, too, you may or may not have some basics per dating when you don't want things to start sexual or be sexual for a while. Or maybe even around dating, period.
So, if you want me to walk you through some basic things with all of this, I'm happy to do that for/with you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yea sure, walking through some dating things would help me.
I don't find a lot of things to be murky at all, the feeling is there but I ignore it and it goes away, that feeling of "murky" I actually want to happen. I don't know danger signs or how to even get out of something sexual that is happening or even progressing but most of the time, I don't want out of things that start because I am scared of being disowned.
I'm finding it's taking away from my life recently, I refuse or refuse to feel tired. I refuse to let myself feel things because I have no time, I'm consumed in sex. I'm paranoid to the point I feel things are going to happen to me and praying those things will happen to me. Now I physically can't let myself feel tired, even after waking up from a 2-4 hour nape before work, I feel tired and I shove it off.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
Really, I strongly suspect, as I've said before, that until you have had at least a few months of good therapy under your belt, your skillset at setting limits in high-stakes situations? It's going to stink. And that's not your fault, it's most likely just about what you did or didn't learn, but I'd say that remains the reality.
So, it seems to me that what's vital is that you keep yourself OUT of those high-stakes situations for now. Like, for instance, being alone at someone's house who you just met, getting in some guy's car, escalating a dating relationship super-super fast instead of really taking time to build things MUCH more slowly.
We can talk basics, for sure, but it sounds like first, you need to pull this thing with this guy WAY back and either press reset with him or walk away from this. It's a bit too late now for most of those basics. Want to talk about which you'd like to do?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Disowned by everyone. Who owns me are those who sexually took advantage of me without consent or asking for it to stop. I truly feel, my body isn't my body at all, I don't own my body, I just live in it.
I'm... I'm... just, I don't feel like who I am at all, I feel those have stole me again, and again, that I have no control over when they take me. I shoved the thoughts and imagines of my... well... just imagines out of my head, they have returned but since I wont allow myself to stop and sleep more than 4 hours in a 24/hrs or more period I'm in control with everything.
M has been texting me asking me what is wrong because I hardly sent him any messages and the guy I went out for a date hasn't txted me back yet.
A part of me is ready for a relationship but then on the first or second time meeting, it's sexual. Yes, it's nice but I'd rather hang out with the guy. Another part just wants them in bed. I feel conflicted on so many levels.
It's about 6:20pm here and I should take a nape before my night shift starts (hopefully the construction is done... for today)
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
So, you worry that you would be "disowned" by people who abused you if you said no to sex with other people? I'm sorry, I feel like there's something I'm not getting here.
But for sure, we can pick this up again tomorrow so you can go to work well-rested.
In the meantime, with M, how about you just text him back, tell him you're sorting some things out right now, need a couple days, and then you'll give him a call? Even though it looks like you SO U-Hauled with this, you still haven't even known this guy for a week. Asking someone like that for a couple days to yourself is hardly asking for anything outrageous. This early on into something, that should be a given.
I don't know who this other guy is -- sorry, getting confused again, feeling like I don't know who is who at this point -- but I'd suggest you put that off, too, if you're asking me.
Clearly, with the way you're managing all of this, this all simply is not working for you right now, and I only see that getting worse without you getting up for some air, here. It sounds very clearly like you are still very unable to differentiate experiences now in the present with the past, consensual sex with abuse, and feeling like you don't even own your own body?
All of that and more is just no kind of space to be in and be dating in a way where things are sexual, where you're alone with people, where you're rushing things or someone else is, etc.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I wanted to let you know I've read what you said, I read it before I took a nape just didn't respond due to I was on my cell.
Yay... 2 hours and a bit of sleep. Heard this loud noise and it was dark in my room, shot up in in my bed reached for my cell and looked at the time. I just laid back down not only 5 minutes pass and I hear my cousin laugh in her office again I shot back up freaking out I'm late for work. I have no idea who she is talking to at 9:30pm I thought she was done work at 6pm or something, guess not. Gave me a flipping heart attack. I'm wide awake, instantly awake when I shot up from the noise.
The other guy is someone who messaged me on an online dating site (since I'm unsure if I'm even in a relationship with M I had a date with the other guy) he is 21, my age. I don't know much about him but he thinks what I would like to do, go to school for is cool and he wished he had what I have, he is going to school part time and working full time, he's wanting to become a police officer or RCMP but he went for school for Psychology and is wanting to use that for the police enforcement.
I'll explain more about the disowned part in the morning after work, I get back at like 7:30am, so will explain then.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
About the disowned (it's a bit hard to explain) from the abuse that happened to me, they clearly disowned me, my body and didn't care a less. For me, I feel disowned because I feel I'm not a person who should continue in a sexual relationship, in all honesty, I never take control of sexual acts I let them do all the work and once I feel comfortable I do things to them and/or with them. It's almost like me saying, "I'm uncomfortable in sex, period." I'm comfortable with sex, I'm more open walking nude in front of a guy that has seen me naked once or partly.
M did call me last night as I was about to leave, I left it ringing and went down stairs asking myself why I didn't answer. He called literally right after I had posted the response. He texted me telling me he tried calling, once I got to work I said I was on my way to work and was unable to answer. Here are the following text messages he sent me;
"Do u want me to go away?" "Figure it out. I don't understand." "Give me a bit." "Look. U r something more than what u think." "U have given me a jump to my step. I told u this in person." "I called u no answer" "The comment about jump means we had good fun together...the cuddling was awesome. Movie watching. Shower. Messages. Tickles. What more can a person ask for. Best time I had in a very long time... ur smile will always put me in a good mood." "Now its all gone to this shits." "Everyone thinks I am a bad guy"
I can't stop from reading and reading and re-reading these message over and over. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, everything he said is completely honest and true. I feel less of a person from practically shoving him off. Now he wont even like return my texts. I feel I'm throwing something out the door here, but then I'm unsure from all of this. My fear is the fear of others judgements.
Doesn't matter the other guy isn't even texting me either. Last time I spoke with him was yesterday afternoon and he said he would text me or me text him to go out to the movies together and see a movie.
I'm so conflicted. I need to find a place. My financial state is kinda low at the moment and when I get paid this Friday, it's going towards my unpaid rent and I wont have enough to pay for next months rent, and I need to come up with like a grand for a room in December (most places are wanting first and last months) on top of that, come up with money for medication in less the doctor(s) have samples for the first two months. I can't wait until I'm at my 6 month time for working, I get drug coverage, 50% off dental and free eye care, and some other stuff for a very very reasonable price per month (which they take from your pay check). I'm already getting paid above minimum wage since I working overnights, the other who work during the day get minimum wage so I'm lucky, plus myself and 3 others share the tips we get, which is more during the night than during the day because they split the tips with 15 others.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Also, I feel more comfortable with being naked in front of guys because I've lost weight and I'm liking my own body more and more.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think back when a little bit, I suggested that before dating, you really take some time -- and I was talking months or more, not weeks, to really focus on your own life and self-care, and put those things very much first. Getting the counseling and help you need, getting more stable in terms of your living situation and job, expanding your circle of non-sexual friends, etc.
I don't mean to be a broken record, but it still sounds to me like a lot of what you've been saying and feeling makes clear how important that remains.
I have to say, this all sounds like a LOT of drama around merely dating. It sounds like it's super-loaded for you, so light dating is something you may lack the ability to even do right now. It also sounds like you've connected with at least one person who is bringing a level of drama to the table that...I don't know, it sounds pretty outrageously high to me, especially for someone older. That makes me wonder about this person's stability and motives, too.
And again, it's very clear to me that you still have SO much healing to do, and like any sexual relationship you have now is still clearly very, very tied up in your abuse. That's not a judgment on you: like I've said before, this kind of abuse can be exceptionally hard to heal from, often harder than most for most people, and I'd say impossible without real help and real focus on healing, and without things that and to stand in the way of that (like certain kinds of sex or relationships before you're really ready for them). I know, by the way, that's probably not what you want to hear. And I absolutely understand the desire to be "normal," to engage in things you likely see other people around you your age doing, things that you probably want for yourself, period. I know it sucks to have to put things on hold you want to do work that you, as a victim, shouldn't have to be doing in the first place since you didn't choose any of this.
At the same time, my thought is that I'd like you to be able to have some of the things you want at some point: some emotional stability, healthy, beneficial romantic relationships, sexual relationships where you're not passive and you DO feel ownership of your sexuality and body, a LACK of drama, more assertiveness and confidence in yourself, the ability to say no to things or people you don't want and which aren't right for you so you can ditch the crap and get to the good stuff.
But to do that, it's so important not to self-sabotage, or put things in the way of your healing and your own self-care. Get what I mean?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Heather I have no idea what to do, I have no flipping idea what I'm suppose to do. I'm scared beyond anything. I'm not sure what the heck I'm even doing anymore, may I say I'm out of control? Sure does feel that way.
Things inside literally took a down fall for me, I began to panic, I couldn't breath and tears shot at my eyes like stinging swords. 4 hours before my shift I called in sick (I felt even more pathetic after the call) "I'm unable to come into work tonight due to an illness." Honestly, I knew she knew I was lying. Things exploded in me.
I'm lost and completely stuck I feel cornered in everything. I'm not dealing with anything that has gone on in the past month and half. I had called my parents my mom went on and on explaining what is going on with them, it was my fault that they're having police and child's aid down their neck. I had to restrain myself, I made myself hear what my mother is telling me on the phone. She then told me to call my aunt, how the hell would I want to now call my aunt after her telling me all this crap about police wanting to put my little sister in handcuffs and take her away. I called my aunt. I was in completely shock, shock from my parents and now my aunt. How can someone deal with so much in one damn phone call, listening to my mom telling me all this horrible crap to my aunt telling me... (I'm going to leave it at that for my identity and others)
Then a week and half later, my cousin messages me on facebook telling me grandma has stage 1 brain and lung cancer. I've been in so much shock since then. I don't know how she is doing. Just I've been getting shocking news horrible and good news it wont leave me alone.
I went back into shock last night, over, over M. Why? Well, found out he has a daughter. I wasn't mad or anything but I was a bit... before then before finding out, I... it's their fault, it's their god damn fault that they put this all on me like this (Crying) why, how can someone deal with so much and looking for help at the same time. Heather I've been restraining myself from things I should say... it's their fault not my fault.
I thought I got a handle on myself, clearly I don't. I can't control myself anymore. It wont leave me alone, as much as I try. I started to become very obsessed in washing myself while showering, once, twice sometimes three times, when I shave I shave over the same area a lot. I also turn the water on hot, to the point it turns my skin red. After showering, I brush my teeth not once but two times. I'm obsessed over the fact of how I look now. I hate things. I can't stand underwear being on me, I have to wear a thong. Obsession doesn't end their. I'm obsessed with sex. It's on my mind all the time, I'm so obsessed with it, I'm going so far in masturbation before doing anything first, I have to before I do things. I've gotten to the point where after I masturbated I had my blade beside me, I never did, but it kills me to not. I deserve this hate within myself. I blame this on my parents. I never caused this, they made me feel this way.
Here I am, just an hour half ago I just had unprotected sex. I'm about to leave and see my family doctor. I'm really obsessed over everything, it's controlling me. When I called in sick to work, not only was I about to have a complete melt down but I needed to be with M.
His daughter, M daughter is... (I felt sick when he told me) she is... 16 turning 17... I'm... I'm... 19... I can't just stop this because of that. I'm lost.
Posts: 498 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I can certainly understand you feeling out of control. In part, because I feel like you keep putting yourself in situations and dynamics that you lack the skills and ability -- yet -- TO take control of.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way you are right now, but let's see if we can't use it as a route to move you more towards places where this is LESS likely to happen, okay?
I have no idea why police would be handcuffing your sister, unless she has been charged with a crime. I also don't know what you're referring to with this whole situation, so if you want to talk more about that, I'll need you to clue me in.
With M having a daughter, I'm not sure why this upsets you, but finding out things about someone in the first week you know them is going to happen. The idea that we can get to know someone in a few days, or that someone just puts everything about their life -- or even could! -- in a few days our hours to someone they're meeting doesn't strike me as reasonable or realistic. And for sure, older people are likely to have a lot more life that's happened in the first place, and having older children? Very likely. As well, while there are exceptions, we really do have to bear in mind that when much older people want to date much younger people, especially people in or barely out of their teens, they really often are not the most well-adjusted people with the best motives. I think we can probably both agree here that your picker, as it were, is broken. Not surprising, again, given what you've been through and your healing perpetually being on hold, but I really do think -- I know I've said it a bunch of times, but I keep needing to say it -- that getting sexually or seriously (which for you, seems to be any involvement) romantically involved with anyone anytime soon is a truly bad idea for you. I just don't see it being even remotely likely at this point you are NOT going to wind up with the bad stuff.
Alergnon, I am very concerned about you. It sounds like you're concerned too, and I'm glad, because I think that's warranted.
I know that with you just starting a job and needing to scramble with a place to live, in-patient care probably isn't what you want right now, even though honestly, it's what I'd personally advise someone who has been expressing the things you have and doing the things you have look into. But, I think an alternative is probably possible. I do think you need to let someone know ALL of what is going on here, and has been -- including what does sound like, as we've talked about before, some very risky sexual compulsivity, a lot of unconscious reenactment of abuse, etc. -- someone like perhaps the doctor you just saw, or the counseling service whose waitlist you're on, to see if someone can't speed up that process.
If nothing else, is there anyone at all in your life who can really be around you a lot -- say, over the next year or so -- to help you keep yourself in check, and give you help and support when you find yourself in headspaces like this?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic