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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my best friend and crush are dating now

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Author Topic: my best friend and crush are dating now
Member # 93955

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There's a guy who's in my friend circle that I've had a crush on for about a year. Half of this particular friend circle is local, and half of them live in a town about 2 hours away. My crush was living in that other town, so for a while it wasn't a big deal because I saw him so rarely, just like, "Oh cool, I'll get to see Crush Boy tomorrow at the party," then I'd see him and not think about him again till weeks later when I saw him again.

A few months ago, Crush Boy moved to my town. My crush got worse because I was seeing him regularly. So I finally let him know I was interested, and he politely declined. (I used to date one of his best friends, who is also in our friend group, and Crush Boy doesn't feel OK about dating me because of that. Even though my ex is totally fine with us getting together. I understand though!) I was disappointed, but life goes on. I've never hung out with Crush Boy one-on-one, but we were still seeing each other at group outings, and nothing felt weird at all between us or amongst our friend group.

My very best friend also just moved to my town, not long after Crush Boy did. She and Crush Boy just met for the first time last week, and they hit it off REALLY well. Best Friend asked me if it was cool if they went out (she knew all the details about the crush stuff), and I gave her my blessing. And I meant it -- they're both amazing people, and I'm super excited that they click so well.

But as happy as I am for them, I'm sad for me. And I'm not really sure how to handle it. Ordinarily, if some person I had a crush on started dating someone else, my best friend is who I'd turn to help me through it. But I don't have any other friends that I'm comfortable discussing this with (due to the fact that the crush and I have so many mutual friends), and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my best friend either. I don't want her to feel guilty or awkward about dating him, because I honestly do like them together as a couple.

I don't feel like this issue is serious enough for therapy or anything like that -- I'm sure that I'll be fine after enough time goes by. I'm just having trouble passing the time right now. I still have a raging crush on this guy, and I want more than anything for it to just go away!

Right now I'm just trying to stay really busy. I'm throwing myself into a couple of projects, I'm going on dates with people from online dating sites, and I'm trying to befriend new people who don't know my crush in order to branch out my social circle a bit more. I've cut down on going to events where my crush will be, because seeing him now makes me sad and emo, but I haven't cut everything out because I want to build up a kind of tolerance at the same time.

What else should I be doing to cope? And am I doing anything wrong? This all just hurts so much more than I expected it to, and I just want the painful part to be over so I can do cool things with my best friend and my (former) crush without being all weirded out!

P.S. It doesn't help that my best friend is non-monogamous and wants me to ALSO date Crush Boy, like simultaneously. I was once in an awesome polyamorous relationship, so I'm cool with the idea, but I don't think Crush Boy would ever go for it, especially given his original reason for not dating me. But I can't seem to totally give up hope, and that little bit of hope is driving me nuts. How do I get rid of the hope??

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 20094

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It really doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, and doing a lot of stuff right to take care of yourself. If you haven't already given it a try, some people find that keeping a journal or doing some writing can help if they don't have anyone they can talk to about a particular issue. Sometimes it helps just to get it out in some way. And it's probably not terribly helpful to hear right now, but over time, you'll likely get more comfortable with this situation.

From where I'm sitting, you and Crush Boy getting together as well probably wouldn't be the greatest idea, if only because he's made it pretty clear what he's comfortable with, and the two of you dating isn't it. As for how to get rid of the hope, that's tough, but maybe making clear to your best friend why it wouldn't be a good idea could help?

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 93955

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Hi Karybu! I appreciate the input. And you're actually right about the writing -- just posting what I wrote in the forum earlier made me feel a little better. So I'm going to start a journal today. That's such an awesome idea.

I'm going to see my best friend tomorrow, and I'm going to talk to her about her pipe dream of me and the boy also dating. I certainly don't want her trying to talk him into doing stuff that he's uncomfortable with or that he'll later regret.

Thanks again for your reply!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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