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Author Topic: Attraction to a friend
MudPuppy
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Member # 37153

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Haven't been on this website in years but I remembered it today because I've found myself wondering what to do. I'll just describe the details of my situation and hopefully you guys can give suggestions of what I should do. And if the answer to that is "nothing" then that's ok too. Basically over the past few months I've found myself developing a serious crush on a friend of mine, and I don't know whether I should tell him about this. I have (while drunk) told several of my other friends about my crush and they have been very understanding but they have not really given me guidance on what to do.

The reasons why I have not told him are as follows:

1) To start with, I'm not certain whether this topic belongs in Relationships or GLBT Relationships. I have seen myself as a lesbian since I was around 13 and I have had several girlfriends but this one guy, my friend, is an exception if ever I've met one. As far as romantic relationships are concerned I have always been sort of bisexual, but I always felt I was gay because I could never even think about any kind of physical contact with a man. But I'll admit that I have fantasised about my friend to a possibly inappropriate extent, so that's why I see him as my Only Exception (apologies for unnecessary capitals, but that's how it looks in my head).

The reason I haven't put this in GLBT Relationships, and the reason I have listed this problem first, is that this is the part I have mostly come to terms with. I know that sexuality is fluid and everything, I know it's ok to be questioning. The only reason I'm still listing it as a reason for not telling him is that for me it seems like such a huge thing to tell someone; not just that you like them, but you like them seriously enough for them to be the only member of the male population that you can think of in that way. That's the kind of huge confession that could ruin a friendship (bringing me on to my next point.)

2)I am terrified of losing friends. I'm the kind of paranoid person who starts panicking if someone hasn't replied to a text for a few hours, thinking they have decided to stop talking to me because of some small mistake I made. I am scared of being alone, and of being disliked by people who are important to me. This is despite my friends telling me that they think I'm a nice person, and I feel bad about that because I know I should believe them and stop being so insecure. The friend who I have a crush on has only been my friend for slightly over a year but we have many things in common and I count him amongst my closest friends, and I believe he sees me the same way as he has confided in me a few times about emotional issues and relationship problems in a way that suggests that he properly trusts me.

My fear of losing friendships is one of the main reasons I have not told him how I feel. I would hate for him to not want to talk to me any more, or to feel uncomfortable around me, or to laugh at me behind my back because of it. The only reason that last possible outcome occurs to me is that he has told me about a girl who has become something of a stalker of his (although I don't like to use the word "stalker" lightly, especially here; the girl has not done anything serious, just really likes him and constantly talks to him despite him having asked her to stop), and he does make fun of this girl a bit while telling me about her, so I worry he would do the same if I told him that I liked him.

3) I also worry that it would result in a few of my other friends losing respect for me; while my friend is a really nice guy now, when he was younger he managed to gain a reputation for being a bit over-confident and annoying (not to mention the fact that he cheated on a girl once, though I don't want that to make him seem like a bad person because he's not), which is how some people still think of him. Also, I have one close friend who dated him a few years ago. It's not that I think any of my friends would be angry at me for liking him... the best way I could put it is that I can easily imagine them hearing about me having a crush on him and them thinking "really? Of all the guys to like, she picked him?"

4)Even in the unlikely situation that I told him that I liked him and it turned out he liked me too and we started going out, there are a few reasons why that relationship might be awkward. He's only a year younger than me (and in terms of maturity seems much older than his age) but because of the age he was when he started school he is a few years below me, so next year I will be starting college and he will still be in secondary school for another two years. So that's slightly weird. There's also the fact that he is prone to occasional depression which might make going out with him difficult (in the sense that as his girlfriend I would see it as my responsibility to make sure he's ok.) These are only minor problems though.

5)The most significant problem, and the one that's probably going to make you wonder why I wasted your time with all the other points, is that he currently has a girlfriend. When I'm asking for advice on whether or not to tell him that I like him what I really mean is, in the future when he does not have a girlfriend, should I tell him. Right now the fact that he has a girlfriend (who is a lovely person, not that that would make a difference) is what is forcing me to push my feelings for him to the back of my mind, even when it's starting to get a little bit painful for me (hence why I felt like telling strangers on the internet about it, as much to get it off my chest as to ask for your opinions.)

I feel incredibly guilty sometimes for almost wishing that his relationship would end so that I would have an opportunity to tell him. The girlfriend is really nice and perfect for him, so if I were a better person I would not wish for that; I should just be happy for him. So as well as asking whether or not I should tell him, I would also like to ask if there's any way of teaching yourself not to like someone.

So those are all my reasons for not telling him. You might question, at the end of all of that, how I could possibly think that telling him would be a good idea. I have my reasons for that too, but they can't be organised as well into a list, and they're probably less convincing to everyone but me. One of the reasons is that last summer there was one night that I had a conversation with him about how if he was a girl I would definitely go out with him (mostly just meant as a joke, I didn't realise yet how much I liked him) and he told me he kind of liked me too, but since I was gay obviously nothing could happen between us. A few days later, he told me (not in a mean way, just being honest) that he hadn't really liked me and that he had just told me that because he was getting over a bad break-up and he had also asked several other girls out in the same week. I want to tell him so that I can stop worrying about it and just know for certain whether or not there's any chance he would return my feelings.

Before I finish (and I am so sorry for how long and pointless this post is) I would just to make it clear why I would like this guy so much when I have mostly only mentioned his flaws. He is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met- I mean almost genius-level intelligence, the kind that would scare you a little- as well as musically talented, funny and one of the few people I've ever met who I can talk to for hours without there being even a second of awkward silence that either of us need to fill. He is also kind to me, and has beautiful eyes (admittedly the least important of the features I have listed, but very much worth mentioning anyway [Big Grin] ).

So that's it. While he has a girlfriend, how do I deal with these feelings? If and when he doesn't have a girlfriend, should I tell him how much I like him? Has anyone else gone through this but me? Thank you very much for any advice you are able to give me. [Smile]

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI TheCraneWife and welcome back.

Well, unless people have already stated that they're in some type of open relationship, the prospect of telling a guy friend who already has a girlfriend that you are attracted to him is probably not going to go super well, I'm afraid to say. So, it might be a good idea to move him having a girlfriend to the top of your list. *gentle smile*

Even if you had advanced knowledge that your friend and his girlfriend were going to break up, you wouldn't know where you would be at that time, in terms of your physical location, emotional feelings, and relationship status. So, I'm not sure how useful it is for us to talk about what you should do if and when he and his girlfriend break up. This is especially true since you say you're headed off to college in a year, and he won't be headed to college (let alone the same one you'll end up going to) for another couple years.

It sounds like you're pretty at peace with the way this attraction fits into an identity that you've termed, until now, as a lesbian identity. Sexual orientation *is* fluid, and I'd say that's especially true the younger a person is. There are also often different aspects of sexuality; for example, what's awesome in fantasy might not work in reality. And I mean that in general, not to dismiss the power or real feeling of your fantasies about this guy.

So the question here seems to be how to help you deal with these feelings. I'm gathering that you're not currently in a relationship or attracted to anyone else. How much is this occupying your mind these days? Is it distracting? I'd like to hear more about how your feelings for him and fantasies about him are affecting you.

Oh, and one more thing: There's no such thing as an inappropriate fantasy so long as it's not acted out if itit would be inappropriate in real life. *smile*

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
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Thank you very much for your advice although I'm sorry to say I didn't exactly read it on time... last night I was at that particular friend's birthday party, a sleepover, and at a moment where it seemed like it wouldn't be too awkward, since his girlfriend wasn't at the party, I told him (though not in as much detail as above!) about him being my exception. I know this was almost definitely the wrong thing to do, but having written out that whole thing about how much this was bothering me I realised that no matter how bad the consequences of telling him, it wouldn't be as bad as continuing to keep it as a secret and feel guilty about it. To answer your question, it was getting fairly distracting... some days I felt I couldn't think of anything else.

Thankfully he was really nice about it, and told me that although he was flattered and that I'm a nice person there are so many reasons that nothing should happen between us, most importantly the girlfriend. Basically he just mentioned the exact same problems that I had listed above, and I agreed, and he promised me that we would still be friends.

I would love to leave the story there, I really would, but if I'm being completely honest it wasn't quite as perfect as that. Later in the night when everybody was going to sleep we found ourselves next to each other and, almost definitely as a result of the fact that we had both been drinking, we started kissing and touching each other (nothing serious, just awkward fumbling). Part of me was happy that this was actually happening, but I felt bad thinking about his girlfriend. When we woke up I didn't get to talk about it because I had to leave early and he was still half-asleep, but hopefully I haven't screwed anything up too much. Nonetheless I feel relieved for having told him; I hat keeping secrets, at least now I don't have to think about that.

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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I'm so sorry that you're in such a tough situation - liking someone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend already is really a hard thing to go through. And, on top of that, you guys kissed and hung out a bit; so that must make things even more confusing. Have you had a chance to talk to your friend yet? Impulsive actions happen often; and I'm sure that if you both calmly and rationally discuss the kiss and what to do about your friendship, things will be okay. It sounds like you've been friends for some time now; so that's a very good thing in this situation, as well. What has happened in the past few days? Are you doing okay?

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
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Member # 37153

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For the past few days I haven't had the chance to talk to him because I've been away from home without Internet and he doesn't reply to texts very much. I talked to him a minute ago on Facebook but he doesn't seem to want to talk about things... we're both tired though, me from just having gotten off a flight a few hours ago and him probably from the fact that he doesn't sleep well. I might be seeing him tomorrow but I can't count on it. Right at this moment I don't feel well... not exactly that I'm sad, I'm not crying or anything, I just feel like a shiver-y cold kind of sick. It's most likely just lack of sleep. I will get back to you when there is any news.

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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I'm sorry that you don't feel well! Sometimes, when I'm really stressed out or nervous, I feel kind of sick - and same when I'm hungry or tired. I'm sure you will feel much better when you have a good night's sleep! Thank you for keeping us informed, and I hope you and your friend feel better soon!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
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Ok, so I got the chance to talk to him in person yesterday, I told him I just wanted to make sure everything is ok between us and he said it is. When I talked to him he didn't mention the fact that we kissed, and since he had just told me that everything's fine I didn't want to ruin that by bringing it up, especially since his girlfriend was in the next room. And having had a few days to think about it, I figure it wasn't really of any importance, it was just one of those things that happens at parties sometimes. It might have meant more to me than him, but that's just one of those things you have to live with. So I'm just going to put it out of my mind, and accept what we had agreed on before about how nothing can happen between us.

I'm feeling much better about things today, partly because the weather here has finally started looking like summer and also because I've realised there are a lot of good things about how this ended; I am now no longer keeping any secrets from any of my friends, I'm still friends with him, and I'm fairly confident that I can eventually get over my feelings for him.

In conclusion, I'm happy this happened now rather than any other time, because when I was younger I really wouldn't have been able to deal with it and when I'm older all of us will be in more serious relationships so stuff like this would cause more problems. I am also very grateful that this website exists and you're all so helpful. Thanks. ^.^

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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I'm glad that you're feeling so much better and clearer with it all!

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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