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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I want him back! ;(

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Author Topic: I want him back! ;(
Sundown
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My and my ex have broken up a month and a half ago and I still can't seem t let it go. I cried and forgot how to take care of myself for a month but after awhile I regained some of myself back. I kept crying and asking for him back and he kept saying no. I went on multiple websites just to try to get him back. When he saw me after a month, we had sex. Then he told me he still likes me but he just feels getting back together would be a bad idea. He said he still likes me but is trying to get over me too and that everything will be okay and that I just have to give it time..I've been following my gut and I still ask him.

My feelings have been strange too, I don't feel as strongly as I have before but I'm trying not to lose my feelings toward him. He is such a wonderful person, and I don't know what do anymore..I'm so confused about everything... [Frown]

We're both 19 btw and we're each others 1st LTR

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

Posts: 13 | From: "Gone with the Wind", GA | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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This sounds really painful for you: I'm so sorry.

But it sounds like he's made really clear that he does NOT want to get back together with you. And it sounds, clearly, like trying to do anything and everything to get him back both isn't having that result, and also isn't doing anything but keep you stuck and in pain, rather than processing and accepting this breakup and moving forward.

How do you feel when you keep asking him to get back together and he keeps saying no? How do you feel about yourself in that situation?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sundown
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When I ask him, I feel really hopeful but at the same time I feel like I know what's the answer is going to be. I try to stay as positive as I can. But when he says no, I begin to cry and tell him all of my feelings. I confused about why I cry because I should already know what he'll say.

He told me that he doesn't think we should see each other for a while and at that point I protested because no matter if I don't see him or not I'm going to feel sad/ I've asked him back about 3 times and each time he says he 100% sure he doesn't want to go back. I's just a feeling he has and that I did nothing wrong and that at this moment this is how he feels..

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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Can I ask you why you think you keep asking, with him already having clearly voiced, consistently, how he feels about getting back together?

Might I also ask why you think you're having such a hard time respecting the boundaries it sounds like he's trying to set? I mean, I get they're not what you want, but you want something that involves both people wanting that thing, and you know that's not so. On top of that, someone it seems you care about has been trying to set boundaries, but you won't accept them, which...well, isn't very loving of someone else.

Usually when people do that it's either because they actually don't care for the other person very much, which doesn't seem like the case here, or because someone wants something so much for themselves they're just not really seeing the other person anymore, if you get me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sundown
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That's where I'm confused.

I understand that I'm not respecting his decision and just letting it go, but each day that pass and I'm by myself I begin to feel different about the situation. When I think about him I don't feel as warm anymore..I'm beginning to feel nothing at all. My feelings for him, the love, is fading and it scared me. I feel like everything is being shoved under a rug. I try again, because I follow my gut when it arises and I don't want to lose what little feeling I have left. I'm a very stubborn girl, as you can tell. Sometimes I think if I didn't do anything, he would've came back. But I can't change that.

It could possibly be the 2nd one..idk..I care for him deeply and when I say to myself "Stop you're not respecting his decsion" I do..and then a my gut tells me something different like..not yet..My gut told me that was the very last time to ask. I feel selfish for the first time ever and I'm the most selfless person you can meet. I worry about others before myself always..

I just don't know what to do anymore..

[ 07-09-2012, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: Sundown ]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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So, lets' try this: what do you think would happen if your feelings did change or diminish, and you did move on? It sounds like you're trying really hard to keep that from happening. Do you have any sense of why?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sundown
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I feel like I'll be myself all over again and he'll find someone else. That i'll cover up how I really feel all over again in front of people and cry when I'm home...

I feel like he'll never talk to me ever again and forget about me as well..

[ 07-09-2012, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Sundown ]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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But you don't feel like, if and when you moved on, you'd ever date anyone else yourself?

And you feel like, somehow, if you just hold on to this -- just you -- that would impact if and how he does?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sundown
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Honestly? I don't know...I'm leaning more towards a no than a yes on that one.

A little, but it probably still won't bring him back. I takes him to want it as well..and that's not happening..

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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It's pretty unlikely that someone who has experienced romantic and sexual interest in someone, and who isn't even 20 yet, won't ever again. I absolutely know that with a painful breakup or change in a relationship it can feel that way, I do. Loads of us have been there.

But that feeling does usually pass and change. And the vast majority of people in the world who are mentally-well people will not stay hung up on one person they were with forever. How it feels now is about you being in grief, which, of course you are. This is a loss, and the loss of something we care about hurts bad.

That said, if you're feeling this way, and paired with the way you've been handling this, I think that all makes it pretty clear you need to make some changes here. Obviously, you need to back off just out of respect for this other person as another person, but I also think you are creating pain for yourself in the way you've been going about this and the way you're trying to hang on to something that is over.

And you trying to hold on to it isn't likely to change how the other person feels. But I hear you're worried you won't even have any relationship at all, even a friendship, and I think how you've been handling this is more likely to make THAT happen than it would be if you were making some real space, giving some real space, and putting your energy into accepting this reality and really dealing with it, you know?

So.

Again, my vote is that for both of your sakes, you respect and make boundaries and space here.

Doing that, and accepting that this has changed doesn't mean either of you will forget the other, nor does it mean what you did have in the past wasn't of value nor that it will lose value. Once more, I think the way you've been behaving is what really threatens a loss of value here more than anything.

Who do you have around for in-person support and help with this? Friends, family, a counselor...?

[ 07-09-2012, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sundown
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I've have loads of friends and family. I've talked to everyone you can think of (minus aunts and uncles) about it and they all say the same thing : --It's over, it's done, get over it, move on. There is nothing you can do. If he wants you, he knows where you are. Other than that, focus on you.

I eventually stopped talking to them about it after awhile because even I got tired of it. After the sex my ex even tried to explain his feelings the best way he can and said he still didn't feel anything after all of that and I felt a little worse. My sister told me she doesn't know what to tell me that family already hasn't.

My dad thinks I might need to talk to someone professional because it's not healthy how I'm handling this. I feel upset when I don't here from him and I try not to text him or anything but it feels like torture a bit. My best friend told me to go NC and to not talk to him. The longest I went was a week and a half. I'm not going to ask him anymore, and I'm trying to just let my feelings for him go away and not prolong it anymore. I think it all comes down to me not wanting him with anyone else and me not finding someone who actually loved me so much.

He said I can still text him and talk to him. I'm trying to ween myself off again. It does feel wrong/torture a little to not text him. It use to be a lot but I'm starting to get by.

[ 07-09-2012, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Sundown ]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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Do you love you?

That sounds cheesy as anything, I know. But I'm curious. Sometimes when we feel so, so scared at the loss of someone who loved us and we just can't deal, it can be in part because they may have given us more love than we know how to give ourselves.

So, all your friends and family have been saying the same thing. Have any of them helped you with your grief and moving past it, though? Like letting you vent and making you dinner, taking you out to get you out of the house and your head a little, asking you to do things with them, etc?

If not, how about asking for some help like that?

If so, and those things haven't made any difference, or you've resisted all of them, then it sounds like you will need to take some bigger steps here. Obviously, you have to commit to doing that first AND to accepting this is over and you need to start to move forward: do you think you can?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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You know, professional help can often be really useful. Do you think your Dad would help you find a counsellor to talk to?

Can you talk a little more about what makes you say that you don't want him with anyone else?

I'm also not quite sure what you mean by the last thing you said. Are you saying that you're worried you'll never find another partner?

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Robin

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Sundown
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
You know, professional help can often be really useful. Do you think your Dad would help you find a counsellor to talk to?

Can you talk a little more about what makes you say that you don't want him with anyone else?

I'm also not quite sure what you mean by the last thing you said. Are you saying that you're worried you'll never find another partner?

I don't think I'll find someone who'll love me and treat me like I'm special though I know it wont be that much of an issue to him. I don't want to be replaceable.. I My dad has, but he cancelled because he thought I was going to be okay without one. I'll probably talk to him again about it when he gets home.

I don't think I'm ugly, I think I'm a little attractive, but I don't think I'm beautiful. After the breakup, I've had a lot of guys come up to me, which surprised me. But I would push them away as soon as they made any advancements toward me. I don't love myself enough. I think I'm whiny, annoying, stubborn, etc. I say sorry a lot, I have no backbone, and I care too much.

I've talked to a few friends though they are mostly busy with their own jobs and Summer school...I have a family reunion soon and then after that nothing. All I can do is try..I feel like I'm giving up something I don't want..I'm forcing myself and it feels so weird but it has to be done...

[ 07-09-2012, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: Sundown ]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Robin Lee
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Yeah, I know it doesn't feel fair that you didn't get to choose the relationship ending.

Caring too much is rarely a character flaw (if there is such a thing as character flaws). It can hurt, for sure, but is ultimately more useful than not.

Sometimes people tend to lose themselves a little when they're in very intense relationships. Perhaps you can devote this summer to finding yourself, and doing things that help you love and like yourself more?

That's one of the things a counsellor could help you work on. Talking to a counsellor is very different from talking to a friend or family member. Is finding a counsellor something you'd like to do?

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Robin

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Sundown
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Yes..I think it would help me more. I've talked to one while in college and I found it helpful, and it was free. I honestly don't know what I can do to love myself more..I've done some journalisng, watched movies, etc. In the end it's like I'm just letting time by until I get a reply from him when texting. I just started a Tumblr and that keeps me busy for hours and I don't think of anything. I don't have a car. So, all I can do is sit home until possibly a friend will text me or maybe I'll chat with my best friend a bit. I've also found reading manga helps a bit too..and that I want to try graphic design..

So I have found some new stuff about myself..but I go back to thinking about my ex at the end of the day..I'm trying to find a hobby where it keeps me mind and hands busy all day.

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Sundown
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Do you love you?

That sounds cheesy as anything, I know. But I'm curious. Sometimes when we feel so, so scared at the loss of someone who loved us and we just can't deal, it can be in part because they may have given us more love than we know how to give ourselves.

So, all your friends and family have been saying the same thing. Have any of them helped you with your grief and moving past it, though? Like letting you vent and making you dinner, taking you out to get you out of the house and your head a little, asking you to do things with them, etc?

If not, how about asking for some help like that?

If so, and those things haven't made any difference, or you've resisted all of them, then it sounds like you will need to take some bigger steps here. Obviously, you have to commit to doing that first AND to accepting this is over and you need to start to move forward: do you think you can?

My dad is always working and I try to do things with my sister. But I would usually shut myself in a room and just watch TV. I have a family reunion soon, so maybe that's something to look forward to...Also, I answered all those other questions on my other response post

[ 07-09-2012, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: Sundown ]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Sundown
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I'm listening to music and I feel content a bit calm. He needs a lot of space from me.....Letting go isn't giving up is it?

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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MusicNerd
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Listening to music (and playing it, too) definitely helps me when times get tough. [Smile]

I also agree with Heather that giving each other space seems like the best thing for the both of you.

What do you mean by "giving up"? Who/what do you think you're giving up on? Future relationships?
I think that moving forward in life isn't "giving up" on anything, really; it's acknowledging and accepting that your previous relationship is over and that it's time to move on to discovering and embracing and learning new things. I'm curious since you mention that you think you'll never find anyone who will "love me and treat me like I'm special enough". It seems like you don't think you're special enough as a person without the validation of someone else, like a boyfriend. I'm sure you have special things about yourself; we all do. You just need to be able to recognize your unique qualities about yourself. Maybe this summer while you're finding yourself like Robin suggested, you'll discover that you're really into some sort of activity you never thought you'd be into. Who knows? Your counselor could help you figure out things to do and help you recognize some awesome things about yourself. [Smile]

[ 07-09-2012, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Sundown
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I hope so. Through all of this I think I've made myself look like an idiot. I just went into a crying fit and I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. I thought about me ex hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and saying everything is going to be okay, but that just made me cry so much harder. I ended up getting a very large headache and stopped. I've been feeling really sick lately too.

I hope that once I start believing in myself I can be strong. I feel like an overdramatic five year old right now..

I'm trying my best to ween myself from talking to him. I don't know if it'll make me sad or happy. He thinks I'll better get over him if I just stop talking to him, he said he doesn't want me to be sad. I don't want to stop talking to him..i'll be sad either way...

Through all of this I really am trying my best, it's just extremely hard. A lot of friends get over there breakups in 2 weeks tops, yet it may take me months...

[Frown]

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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kitties20
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hey sundown,

i kind of know what you're going through and its really tough. I am sorry that this is happening to you. But I agree with with what Robin is saying about devoting the summer to finding yourself. Its easier said than done (trust me, going through it right now lol) but it can really benefit you in the end.

it sucks when you basically had no say in the break up, but its just something we all have to deal with unfortunately.

keep strong [Smile]

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MusicNerd
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Hey, we all heal at different rates. So don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

Keep us posted on when you finally do schedule a meeting with a counselor or find some summer activities to do! [Smile]

[ 07-09-2012, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Sundown
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My dad told me he'll schedule one as soon as our family trip is over. He hopes that I have a good time on the trip...He's really worried about me..

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Let's go get lost, let's go get lost..

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Heather
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Just dipping a post or two back, I don't think any of this is about you being an idiot. I think it's about you clearly being heartbroken, and also obviously being in a space -- one I suspect you've been in for a while -- where your own value of yourself is low enough that being without a romantic partner, or this one, feels very, very scary to you.

No matter how you slice it, though, first-time losses of big love relationships are freaking ROUGH. I was just saying in an advice column recently (one it might help you to read) that I felt pretty sure most of us, when we were going through them, behave in ways that can get pretty out there and that we don't feel good about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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However long it takes you get over him is okay. (Of course, if it takes too long, say years, it it an issue, but you're no where near the point where you'd need to worry about that).

I had my first break up last October after dating my ex for about 10 months. It was really, really hard to get over and I still miss him sometimes, like now for instance since I'm thinking about him. But our relationship was toxic and I'm better off, for now, working on myself (and fyi, the relationship was overdependant, but not abusive). I personally held onto the relationship too long, I actually sat him down about 5 months into the relationship to break up with him, but changed my mind.

My life was utter turmoil for about a month before/after the break up, but keeping myself busy and not contacting him at all helped me keep it together.


I think that biggest thing for me was that I didn't contact him. I don't think I'd be doing so well if I had kept in contact.


I highly suggest that you give yourself a timeline, at least 2 weeks, in which you don't contact him, look at his facebook profile, or anything. Then just let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. Cry if you need to, shout if you want to, throw ice cubes at a brick wall (well away from windows!) Or whatever. Physical exercise and getting yourself out of the house helps too. But ulitmately, unless you comit to letting go, you won't be able to. And you're probaby going to feel worse before you feel better.


Do you want some help brainstorming ideas of ways to distract yourself or whatever else?


(And you prob won't believe me: but it won't hurt this bad forever and you can be happy again)

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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