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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Major Age Gap

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Author Topic: Major Age Gap
Member # 95348

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Hello Scarleteen,

As is my displayed name, I am back and confsed with MORE problems quite similar to my original ones.

I mentioned my workplace and boss in my first topic and I would like to say that that has passed and I feel alright and sorted with my original issue.

HOWEVER, a new drama has arisen with someone in the workplace who is 31 years my senior... Yes 31 years.
I'll call him T.

I started talking to T about 3-4 months ago and he showed interest in me and I did the same back to him.
Fast forward to 1 month ago and things were starting to get very obvious between us (not to anyone else, just us two). He told me that he was interested in me as more than a friend BUT he hasn't left his sort-of girlfriend yet (I say 'sort-of' cos he tells me that he has wanted to leave her for a long time, it's a LDR etc etc).
He asked me if I felt the same and I didn't give a straight answer but implied that I did like him that way too.

Now, please don't hate me cos I am very ashamed of this but we ended up having sex last week... I am sorry, I must seem like such a slut.
But ever since then it's like my feelings for him have doubled. I think about him a lot.

I can't seem to work out if I am being played or if he is genuine? But how could I trust him considering he STILL hasn't left his sort-of girlfriend.
He has not lost interest in me since we did it, he is still the same as before.

I told him that we couldn't continue with anything whether that be a serious relationship or a casual one until he had left his sort-of gf because what happened was 100% unfair to her.

My mum knows about this because I cannot seem to keep anything from her but she told me that if I were to pursue him that I would have to move out of home. That scares me because I am on low wages and wouldn't be able to afford that plus I am terrified of change blah blah blah.

My mum doesn't trust him and thinks that I will get hurt and I can't help but agree with her even if I won't admit - I CAN'T seem to acknowledge the warning signs about the entire thing even though I can see them.

Why can't I say no, am I really that desperate and pathetic?? And WHY is it older men that I keep developing these things with. No, I never had a father growing up, nor did I have any grandfathers, uncles, brothers etc but that's a story for another time.
I never had family, I pretty much don't know what it means really. The only person I can say with full certainty that loves me is my mother. I have a lot of issues and lots of them I will probably need to see professional help for.
But I can't seem to keep away from T. I can see warning signs clear as a day, the bad outweighs the good and yet I sit here feeling as though I am falling for T while his poor sort-of gf has no idea what's going on.

Please, will someone tell me what is wrong with me?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 64437

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Angus     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, B&C. Wanted to check whether you'd read this post from Heather, particularly the questions she asked for people in age-disparate relationships:

Posts: 21 | From: New York | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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I think you'll find a lot of food for thought, and some good places to start in figuring this out, in the post Angus linked you to.

I did want to mention that here at Scarleteen we don't judge people's sexual choices. We also think that the use of terms like slut to shame oneself are pretty derogatory, and, frankly, not very useful so we ask people not to use them here so as to keep this a safe space for everyone.

Would you like to talk about where the shame in your sexual choice comes from? I hear that you're uncomfortable with having had sex with someone who's already in a relationship, whose partner doesn't know about it. I can understand that, and you're fully within your rights to stand your ground in refusing to be involved with him again until his relationship status changes.

Can I also check in with you about whether you and he used safer sex practices and considered things like pregnancy prevention and reduction of STI transmission risks? It's a good idea, when becoming sexually active, to start getting sexual health care with your doctor or at a sexual health clinic.

It does sound like you get attached to people very quickly. (not, in itself, a bad thing) You mentioned your lack of family connections? What have your friendships been like? Do you currently have friends with whom you can spend social time and share your life?

I don't think you sound desperate, by the way. To me it sounds more like you're exploring and acting on your sexual attractions, and are trying to work out how to do so in healthy ways.


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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