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Author Topic: kinda long but please read..IS he just messing with my head?? :/
PUNK
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bf and I are in our twenties..we going out for over 3 years and living together 8 months. My bf has always been on and off about marriage throughout the whole relationship but he seems to have been coming around. He always said 3 years for a necklace.I got my necklace past christmas from spenses diamonds [Smile] ..he told me after he came home from shopping for it that day he was looking at rings but wayy to expensive so at least 5 years for a engagement ring.

OUR past anniversary he said randomly to me "my freedom will be gone in about two years" and i am like "umm what you mean" and he is like "oh u know [Smile] " and i am like "OMG really" and he says "Yep..but thats two years away relax anything can happen"...last year he told his dad I am his "daughter in law to be"...when his dad called me his daughter in law but he denies it or just doesn't remember it now even though his sisters are saying yeah he did say that lol He has this thing anyways where he says he doesn't want to get married or have kids around family..he says he just tells them that though it means nothing..sooo idk,..because other times he tells me he wants kids and i will get a ring.

RECENTLY these past couple months he kinda has been bringing up kids,house and marriage..His sister came over couple weekends ago and asked if we are engaged and or getting engaged because she heard something from the grapevine and my bf of course said NO WAYnot for few years..so I am like "WTH..though two more years??" and he laughs and his sister laughs and says "well three years is a few years ally"..then he says "SEE what you caused now Brittany". I THINK his sister just causing trouble..but a day after he started saying maybe she is telling the truth about him maybe getting a ring for me..maybe he is getting me for christmas..then he said he was joking he doesn't know what he is getting me for chrismas.then he started sounding serious and he talked about my ring he is getting, how expensive he wants it to be and Im like your nuts and we talked about OUR wedding he WANTED a 10,000 dollar weddng and i wanna cheap wedding we couldn't agree..then he is like "No marriage though,just ring" and I got upset and said NO more talking till he proposes and he is like ok.

NOW last night we were talking about how he is turning 24 and how I am excited to turn 24 closer to 30 and my bf says "you won't be married before 30" and i am like "stop talking about it i told u before" and he is like "I am nottt" and I said ""YOU are..your expecting me to say something i know and personally idc anymore if we get married as long as i am with u i am happy" THEN he is like " OH really well we will get the rings and just sign the legal document saying we are married" and I told him EVERY girl is lying if they say they don't want to get married but if it happens it happens if it don't ..well then it don't and we can't just sign a document saying we are married we need to actually get married to sign that paper and he is like "ok..well we will have a small wedding just no big wedding"..SOO confused because last week he said he wanted us to have expensive wedding no hick small wedding...and now that i am like W.E i don't care about marriage he is all positive

IS he just messing with my head with this whole marriage thing? OR trying to let me know he will propose soon just dunno how.

thanks

Additional Details
he is soo confusing...I know i will probably get a ring but i dunno when...and i dunno what he wants when or if we get engaged because one min he wants marriage then next as u read..he doesn't want marriage like wth..seriously dude make up your mind. IS HE just messing with me he is soo all over the place...he definilty wants kids with me because this year he bought that up...see its weird he is talking about the future but he jokes around so much..he just can't be serious i dunno what is the truth and I talked to him about this and he is like well you will know when it happens...thats all he said to that.

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BrightStar171
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So, the first and probably most important thing I'm getting from this is that you have a hard time communicating successfully with your boyfriend when it comes to talking about marriage and your future together. It sounds like he's said a lot of conflicting things, and like you can't tell if he's joking or he's serious about any given thing. It also sounds like he's unwilling to give you a direct answer if you ask him a direct question.

I have two questions for you.

First, are you okay with the communication situation as it is? As in, if he were to propose tomorrow, would you be comfortable agreeing to get married to someone with whom you seem have pretty significant communication problems?

Second, being honest with yourself, how important is marriage to you? Are you comfortable spending the rest of your life with him without getting married, fully aware of the significant legal benefits you'd be giving up by not getting married? (I ask this not because I think marriage is the right choice for everyone, but because I think it's unfair, if both people are on the same page about wanting to spend the rest of their lives together, for one person to unilaterally withhold the legal benefits that can come from that.)

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PUNK
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hi, thanks for replying [Smile]

I know we have communication problems..well not really me cause i try to tallk to him but it is kinda hard to get a straight answer about what he wants in life. I think he is serious about me but just don't know how to talk about things and when he does he throws in a joke or says he joking about certain to lighten things up for him..i guess? i asked him why does he have to be joking all the time and he says why do u have to be serious all the tiime..

I think i could learn to not want marriage because i do love him and just because u get a ring doesn't mean everything is all rainbows and butterflies and certainly doesn't mean nothing wrong can go on just because he gives me a ring..but at same time i am old fashioned like i told him and would perfer marriage before kids..

Idk...i think he most likely will want to have alittle ceremony because i mean we got too if he wants to make it legal like he said last night.

HE MUST be thinking about marriage to randomly bring it up right?

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PUNK
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oh past two christmases he lead me on thinking he was going to propose on christmas but then would say no got you this or that.. soo I was thinking he was going to propose and i asked him this year when he bought up getting me a ring for this year..I asked him why does he do that every year and he said cause it is funny and i told him to stop talking about weddings and rings and he still continues MORE then any year and he bought up kids....so maybe he is trying to tell me he is serious?

[ 07-03-2012, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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BrightStar171
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Well, it certainly sounds like marriage is on his mind- but that doesn't necessarily means he's planning on proposing, or is trying to tell you he's serious. I can only speak from my own experience (I'm getting married in a few months), but typically when someone is trying to tell you that he's serious, he does it seriously and by...actually telling you, straight out, that he's serious. Maybe he could be...but he could also be very conflicted and trying to work out his own feelings by talking about marriage all the time. He could have realized that he's NOT interested in getting married and is talking about it all the time because he feels guilty. He could be thinking and feeling any number of things.

We can't tell based on hints and guesswork what someone thinks or feels about something; we can only tell by asking them and have them answer us honestly. And it doesn't sound, for whatever reason, like he wants to do that. What that may mean for you is that you have to decide for yourself whether or not you're okay with never knowing the answers to serious questions from him, or knowing how he's feeling. (And, specifically, with never knowing whether or not he's really thinking about marriage or not unless/until he actually proposes.

A couple other questions that may help me give a more complete answer:

- Is there any reason why you don't propose to him?

- Why, specifically, is it important to you to get married before having kids?

- Does it hurt your feelings when he leads you on at Christmas like you described? (Because it sounds kinda mean to me.) And, if so, have you told him that it hurts your feelings?

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PUNK
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delete

[ 07-03-2012, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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PUNK
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delete

[ 07-03-2012, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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BrightStar171
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Has he always been like this? And if so, how did you interact with him earlier in your relationship? Is there anything you can talk seriously about? Have you ever had to deal with any sort of crisis with him? (Like, one of you having to go to the hospital, or a sick family member, or anything like that?) And if so, did he take THAT seriously?

I ask because, frankly, this does sound pretty infuriating. Have you actually explained to him that it's really important to you to be able to have a serious conversation with him? And have you explained to him that the constant joking is hurting your feelings? Because I'm kind of concerned by the way it sounds like he's dismissive of your feelings.

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PUNK
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well yeah we did talk before about serious stuff. in beginning of relationship i went threw his phone to see his texts cuz thought he was lying about not going drugs..i told him what i done right after i did it n started crying. we talked n i said if he wanted me to go i will but told me to stay and held me.

[ 07-03-2012, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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PUNK
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i dunno if im overreacting or what. i feel llike i caused this argument today..which really i did but its true if he always joking how am i suppose to know what the truth with him. it really hurt me when he says well why u with ne then if he is frustrating to me..i understand why he said it but still hurt. he knows why i love him..i should be asking him that because he doesn't give me a clear enough answer..all he says cause i make him laugh. i feel soooo upset right now..idk what to do or think :'(
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PUNK
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he also said maybe i should find someone that is more mature then if that how i feel. does that sound like maybe he wants to break up but dunno how? [Frown] [Frown] [Frown]
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BrightStar171
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Well, so, just like before, I don't think it's a good idea to try to read into anything he said, because we really can't read people's minds like that. It's just not a good idea to try and guess what someone might have been thinking when they say something. We just can't know unless we ask them.

First of all, though, it sounds like it might be a good idea for you to just take a while and try to calm down a bit, because it's never a good idea to try and have conversations like this when we're really upset. But once you're feeling a bit better, maybe once you've had the chance to sleep on it, do you think it would be a good idea to sit down with him and tell him some of what you've been saying here? I think the key things you've said are that he hurt your feelings with the comments about you leaving, because you love him and don't want to leave him. But loving him doesn't mean never getting frustrated with him, and when you're frustrated with something he's doing, you think it's a good idea to be able to talk about it. And you're upset with the fact that he keeps brushing you off when you try to talk seriously about things- because the problem isn't really his sense of humor, or that he's funny some of the time, it's that you can't talk seriously with him at all. It sounds to me like that state of affairs isn't okay with you.

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PUNK
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i agree with you totally. i actually talked to family member about this and made me realize maybe im in the wrong because i known from the beginning the way he is. i kinda overreacted alittle because im insecure im always looking for answers when i should just enjoy what we have, life is to short and i can't be serious all the time. that being said i told the person well why does he bring it up all the time..(marriage n kids) he must Wanna talk about it when he does bring it up and she said yea but just ignore him act like you don't care because he just likes to bug you n who cares about marriage it's a piece of paper..your already living with him then she says by acting out the way you do he isn't going to do it because he wants to he is going to do it just to make you happy. isoooo came to conclusion that maybe i should just shut my mouth and act like i don't care...i told him anyways if it happens it happens..i do want marriage but im willing to wait so he knows. oh i also told her im afraid he is settling and she is like jeez no one knows if anyone settling that's risk you gotta take..stop harping on marriage and loosen up...your living together you think that would show enough commitment right now..relax.

think shes right..feel so bad for lashing out:(

[ 07-04-2012, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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MusicNerd
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I agree with BrightStar171 on having serious, straight-forward conversations and openly communicating with your boyfriend when you've felt upset or frustrated or want to address something that's important to you.

Not saying anything and pretending that you don't care about marriage or kids don't seem like the best solutions; it will only make you feel more upset or angry to keep it bottled up inside if you actually do care. It seems to me though that you do still care about marriage, since you mention that you will "shut [your] mouth" and "act like [you] don't care". Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong since I'm only going off of your post above. I have some questions for you in order for me to get a better sense of how you're feeling right now:

1. You mention that you still "want marriage, but [you're] willing to wait so he knows". Did you decide "to wait" and instead tell your boyfriend "if it happens, it happens" so that you don't come off as "too serious" to him?

2. Do you think that pretending not to care will make him more serious about marriage and/or kids? If you do think this, then why?

[ 07-04-2012, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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PUNK
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i just talked to the bf..about how i felt and he listened:) no laughing or anything. i told him im sorry for lashing out last night and picking fights...cuz we had couple fights before about other stuff and it was me that started it.

um i told him my insecurities are getting in the way...i felt like maybe he was just settling for me and he thought it was good settling but im like no no i mean settling till you find someone else. so he says "o boy..what did i tell u before if i didn't want you..i would say so..and i certainly would not spend 600 dollars on a necklace for u now would i?" and im like "no guess not".

then told him how i felt about the teasing about the marriage thing. ..how i felt hurt by it. he's like "ok why??:/" and i told him it like he's rubbing it in my face im not worth it( had this Conversation kinda before couple years ago) especially around Christmas...please don't do that anymore..don't want to hear about it till you do..if you do..until them idc lets just enjoy life together. then he said he's getting me a PR for Christmas and im like what? promise ring? and he's like yep and im like what did i say? n promise ring is for highschool kids..might as well be engagement ring...but seriously stop no more about marriage then he's like ok so your ok with getting married at 35...*smiling* im like "hmm yea but ur not getting kids before That" and he's like "who said having kids" and gave him look like stop and he's like "ok ok ill stop no more unless i forget" im like u better not talk about it please..everyone drives me nuts.

that was that..i rather just shut my mouth and let things happen naturally..i guess

[ 07-04-2012, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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PUNK
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ps. he is the one that said he wanted kids before marriage last wweek..its more binding then paper. now he doesn't. he's weird if i don't want kids he does if i say i do want them...he doesn't...same with marriage.. like wtf.

i really don't know what to think anymore...but i don't want to pressure him so im letting it go. i hate this bf gf thing where marriage is touchy topic..and girls shouldn't bring it up. like to me its unfair to be kept waiting n never knowing but my mom thinks keep talking about it and it won't work...which makes sense. i just hate guys that take forever to decide what they want...when other guys know like year after dating someone what they want..

[ 07-04-2012, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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PUNK
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i know he most likely wants to be with me cuz he wants a house and kids....i think kids now..he's got different answer for That now too. See my plan was to be married n have kids by 28-30....he knows that..but don't think that's going to happen and no matter how much i talk to him about what he wants i will never get straight answer..i give up. all i can do is wait see if he does propose in two years like he says..n if not and i feel like its something i need and won't get from him...then maybe itvin time to move on...unless i can learn like my sister n others to just let marriage go.

[ 07-04-2012, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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MusicNerd
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I just want to make sure I'm understanding where you're at right now. Your boyfriend led you on about proposing for two Christmases in a row and kept changing his answer on getting married and/or having kids, and now he says that he's going to propose to you in 2 years? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about any of that.

You've mentioned how "girls shouldn't bring [marriage] up" and how you might need to "let marriage go" like your sister. Personally, I think that if people have issues in a relationship, regardless of their gender, they have a say in bringing up a topic to their partner. You brought up the topic and that's good, but the issue seems to lie in the fact that he's not giving you a straight answer and you two seem to not be on the same page when it comes to marriage/kids, is that correct? I'd like to ask you some questions, because I want to make sure I understand what you're thinking and feeling:

1. Would you be happy not ever getting a straight answer from your boyfriend (whether it's about marriage or kids)?

2. You mentioned how, "If I don't want kids, he does. If I say I do want them... he doesn't... same with marriage… like wtf?" It seems like you’re upset with the two of you never seeing eye-to-eye on these issues. Is that correct for me to assume?

3. It seems there’s a pattern of your boyfriend leading you on about proposals, and then not actually proposing to you. If this pattern continued and your boyfriend didn't propose to you 2 years from now: Would you be okay with that?
I'm not saying that that's what's going to happen, I just think that it's something to ask yourself.

4. Would you be happy if you two didn't get married in the future?
From the language you use in your posts like “[giving] up” and “[letting] marriage go”, it seems like you’re unhappy about letting it go. It's totally fine if you feel that way, but I just want you to be honest with yourself.

5. Do you think that letting marriage go would somehow make your boyfriend propose to you? It seems that way from your posts. If yes, then why; and wouldn't that suggest that you actually do want marriage after all?

I know a happy couple who never got married and they're totally happy with each other; but that was only because both partners in the relationship truly wanted to not get married, not because only one partner wanted to not get married. The same goes for happy couples I know who did get married; they were happy because they both truly wanted to get married to each other, not because only one wanted to get married. In both instances, these couples were happy because they were both on the same page for what they wanted.

--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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BrightStar171
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quote:
Originally posted by PUNK:
i agree with you totally. i actually talked to family member about this and made me realize maybe im in the wrong because i known from the beginning the way he is. i kinda overreacted alittle because im insecure im always looking for answers when i should just enjoy what we have, life is to short and i can't be serious all the time. that being said i told the person well why does he bring it up all the time..(marriage n kids) he must Wanna talk about it when he does bring it up and she said yea but just ignore him act like you don't care because he just likes to bug you n who cares about marriage it's a piece of paper..your already living with him then she says by acting out the way you do he isn't going to do it because he wants to he is going to do it just to make you happy. isoooo came to conclusion that maybe i should just shut my mouth and act like i don't care...i told him anyways if it happens it happens..i do want marriage but im willing to wait so he knows. oh i also told her im afraid he is settling and she is like jeez no one knows if anyone settling that's risk you gotta take..stop harping on marriage and loosen up...your living together you think that would show enough commitment right now..relax.

think shes right..feel so bad for lashing out:(

So, after thinking about this a little bit, it doesn't sound to me like your family member gave you the best advice. First of all, just because it was okay with you that your boyfriend acted a certain way at the beginning of your relationship doesn't mean that it always has to be okay, for the rest of your life, for him to act that way. You can have known what you were getting into, and still decide that it isn't something you can live with in the long term, and that's okay.

Second, I don't think it's AT ALL insecure to be looking for answers about whether or not someone you're living with wants a future with you (and about what kind of future that should be). Living with someone is a big commitment- financially, emotionally, legally. It's not insecure, it's practical and healthy to want answers to your questions about the future from someone with whom you've made these commitments. I think, frankly, that it would be much more unhealthy to just try to go with the flow if all of your questions haven't been answered.

And third, I'm curious as to why you think marriage is just a piece of paper. Honestly, it's not. As I said before, I don't think marriage is right for everyone, but marriage provides you (and any kids you potentially have with your boyfriend) with a LOT of pretty significant legal protections that you wouldn't get just by living together. (For instance, the right to be on each others' health insurance, the right to make medical decisions for one another, a LOT of tax and financial rights you would never even think about, etc.) Now, these things aren't the end-all be-all of existence. Lots of people choose not to get married for all sorts of reasons. But as MusicNerd said, this really only works when both people truly and genuinely don't want to get married. If one person wants to get married and the other doesn't, the person who wants to get married is getting deprived of all sorts of benefits, at the unilateral whim of the other person. (And, if your boyfriend also believes that marriage is just a piece of paper, try asking him sometime why NOT get married.)

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PUNK
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my bf has been saying five years(2 more years now) for us to get engaged our whole relationship but last couple christmases he thought it was funny to get me thinking he will propose sooner. i did tell him year or two ago how i didn't like it and how i felt when he did that and he said ok and stopped for abit but then started up agau..i think and i hope he really understand how hurt i feel when he does that because if he brings it up again i will be mad for him being insensitive to my feelings.

yes im upset that i will never get straight answer what he wants in future. i really do want that white dress and my dad walking me down the aisle. don't get me wrong my bf is the best...he cooks and cleans..takes care of me and loves me for me and i really do love him..i can't see my life without him. so if he didn't propose in two years like he says..i would defently find it hard to leave him and probably wouldn't. my bf is afraid of change i had to move to his town or else we would never be living together. so maybe that's why he's afraid of proposing right now.

sometimes i think maybe its unfair that i gave up everything to be with him and now i have to give up most
likely idea of getting married. i just don't understand if im good enough to live with and have kids with....then why is he holding off on proposing..i know he needs to save and all but still..told him ring could be plastic i don't care.


idk..everytime i think i know what he wants and on same page..he changes:/

[ 07-05-2012, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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PUNK
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and my mom thinks im bringing it up to much..which i do sometimes but he's doing it more then me right now. when im like w.e about the topic he seems interested but when im interested he seems uninterested. i give up i really do...like my mom said he knows you want it so just ignore him and let things happen naturally or else you will scare him...so i said "so its ok for him to bug me but not me to bug him?" and she's like you know he is just trying to get reaction out of you so just stop. stop rushing into marriage and enjoy life and then i said well what's wrong with wanting to know if he really does see me in his future. my mom says "o boy....if he didn't want you in
his future whyyyyy would he be living with u..you need to loosen up..real life isn't a fairy tale if he's settling for you, will never know because he will propose because he only want to make you happy not because he wants too...for all you know he could be trying to make Jason jealous". Jason is mine and my bf best frd and we almost had a thing but Jason was taking to long cause of a ex at time and i decided didn't want to ruin our friendship then my bf decided to make his moves and he won me over.

[ 07-05-2012, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: PUNK ]

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BrightStar171
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I still am not sure that your mom's giving you the best advice, this time for two reasons. I think the advice to "ignore him and let things happen naturally would be really good advice if the situation were different- if, for example, he had said that he hoped to have you in his future but wasn't sure yet and needed some time to think things through. The thing is, that's not what happening here- he's not giving you a straight answer at all, about whether he's sure or not, about anything. I think it's perfectly okay for someone to not be ready for marriage, but I don't think it's okay for them to refuse to tell the other person that and just keep them in the dark when they're clearly upset about it.

The other thing is that I think the idea that living with someone means they want you in their future is something that just doesn't bear out in reality. Lots and lots and lots of couples move in together and then break up. Lots of people move in together not knowing if they want to stay together or not from the beginning. The only way you can know for sure what moving in together means to someone (whether it means a commitment to
them or not) is to ask them- and, again, it sounds like you haven't been able to get a straight answer on this one.

It's quickly going to get to the point where I can't give you much more advice, because you're just going to have to decide whether never getting a straight answer is something you can live with. But please do understand that no matter how much you love someone, if you're not compatible on the big life things (whether or not to get married, whether or not to have kids, religion and values, etc) things will absolutely only get worse, not better.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PUNK
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yes i agree with you...i do have alot to think about thanks so much for the advice, i really appreciate it. i just hope i make the right decision on what to do here.
Posts: 38 | From: Flordia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PUNK
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today he kinda bought up me and him getting married...i said something about his name for ps3 online. it incorporated his last name..i said how it sounds good and he's like no your thinking how much my lastname will sound good with yours. im like ummmm no i wasn't actually and just gave him a look and didn't say a thing. seriously...why did he do that? why is insisting on bringing it up like that....makes me wonder is he joking or does he really want to talk about it....he knows i wanna get married eventually n he knows i hate when he messes around with topic so either way he should shut up like i told him n only wanna hear about marriage..if or when he does.

i told my mom that "if or when he does propose" and sees like see why you so negative..relax..when it happens though you still be insecure that's worse thing..you need to smarten up" does she know something maybe?....

either way..im just letting it go n giving me sometime to think i guess about what i should do..

thx

Posts: 38 | From: Flordia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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