posted
Hey guys, I've got some things going on that have been upsetting me, and they recently got worse.
I don't usually see myself as a bad person. Yeah, I do bad things sometimes, but everyone does. In general I believe the best in people and I know that even though I can be bitchy sometimes, I really try to be a good person and a good friend.
Recently, however, me being...well, me, has been a problem. I have a few bad traits that are prominent in me: I'm too loud, too "annoying", and most importantly, I and don't know how other people are going to react to all the shit I say that I rarely understand as bad things to say in the first place. I mean yes, sometimes I'll say something that I myself realize is bad, and then I feel it and apologize. But-and this has been happening more and more-what happens with me is that I'll talk and I'll say something that makes some of my friends uncomfortable or just they think it's something I shouldn't say, maybe "TMI" or maybe my tone of voice or something. Either way, most of the time I don't think what I'm saying is bad, and although I'm not surprised anymore when I get a reaction like I have been with some friends, I still get upset by it because I feel like even after all this, I'm not learning. I'm honestly not trying to say anything wrong, and yet it happens anyway.
Now I've also done some things that upset a friend of mine recently that I understand as wrong and we talked about it and I apologized. (We're not really talking right now, she wants to "take a break", but we don't hate each other or anything.) The problem was that I'm a very cuddly, touchy feely person, and she isn't. And many times she let me be cuddly, but sometimes she didn't want me too, and too often I didn't listen. And I didn't listen too much and that's why she got upset. And I understand that and that's something I can actively work on to change. I can also change (which I have been, along with the not cuddling people unless they are 100% comfortable doing it) it making sure I don't share secrets with anyone. I had a problem with that recently, but again, this is another thing that I am changing because I'm fully aware of what I'm doing. On these two fronts I know I can change.
But the talking thing? I just talk. I don't purposely say things to be mean or make people uncomfortable, and I guess I don't find nearly as many things uncomfortable to say as people who hear me talk do. I guess. I don't think about how other people will respond. It could be a case of "know your audience", but at the same time I don't like the idea of me not being able to talk the way I do, especially because I'm don't find things wrong when I say them. (I mean of course sometimes I do, but for the sake of this situation, the things I get in trouble for with people are things that I don't think are worth getting in trouble for, at least not as much as they have you know?)
So I guess what I'm looking for is advice on this. I try to keep myself quiet and watch what I say, but then it turns into me not talking and feeling upset that I can't talk for fear of saying something wrong. I could also just think "well if my friends aren't okay with how I talk then they're not good friends!" but that's not true either because these are genuinely good people. I know I can't be rude or mean when I talk, and when I say mean or rude things that I hear myself say and know that they are, I apologize and honestly try not to say those things again. But too often I'm finding myself in trouble because of the things I say that I don't think are wrong, or don't have any idea that I said something I shouldn't have, and then get in trouble for it. What can I do about this? Is there anything I can do?
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
First of all, kudos to you for recognising that you need to honor people's boundaries with touching, that's a great step, and a big one.
As for secrets, do you mean in a TMI context or have your friends told other people your secrets and broken yout trust before?
It's majorly difficult when we feel we can't be ourselves around our friends. Can you maybe give me an example of what you said that they thought was mean?
As for being 'too loud' and 'too annoying'; those things don't really mean anything concrete. For example, someone might think someone is 'too loud', but many other people might think they're not loud enough - and what annoys one person, another person might find endearing or fun; if you know what I mean? Have your friends called you these things, or implied them?
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Well the thing with me is that I don't really have secrets. When I ask people not to tell they don't, but I usually end up telling other people myself. But what I mean by TMI..okay here's an example.
During my senior week I was talking with two girls about two things: tampons and contacts. One girl left the conversation for a minute while we were still on contacts, but I turned it to tampons for a second and said how you shouldn't really leave them in for 8 hours, and for me after about 5 they start leaking. And that's when the other girl came back and was like "what?" so I was like "you know, a little blood starts leaking so you wear a liner." and she was like "Ewww Jess I thought we were talking about contacts gross!"
Things like that. And that's actually something that most people keep to themselves, so I see how some people wouldn't like that kind of conversation (however, I have other friends who hear me say that and don't bat an eyelash, and that's fine, but the friends in this topic now are the ones who don't). Other things I say aren't as..."gross" but I guess still TMI you know?
Another example where I said something I didn't know was bad but apparently was was when we were on senior week and sitting around watching tv, and one of my friends was making some comment or something (I wish I remembered what it was) that had to do with bad grammar and corrections or something. And she was being kind of mocking about it, so I say "Em, I've seen typos still in the newspaper" (which she was co-editor on). I meant it to be a joke, like 'you're saying stuff about poor grammar but I've seen you miss things sometimes too' like teasing, because we do tease each other. And everyone in the room gasped and was like "Jess that was so mean!" and I honestly had no idea.
That's my problem. I feel like an infant or a moron because I keep telling my friends that I really don't know, and I feel like at this point I should know what is okay to say and what isn't.
As for being "too loud", it's just something that's part of me. Everyone I know knows I'm very loud, and I'm okay with that part of me. The only time I get annoyed is when I get "shushed" when I'm really into talking or saying something that excites me or something like that, and I think "Enough already I know I'm loud just deal with it!" (Of course when I'm getting too loud in an otherwise quiet place and they shush me I listen, because I'm not totally aware that my voice is getting louder either, until I quiet back down.)
As for the annoying part, you're right; it's just that a lot of people find me a handful. Even if they still like me, they get annoyed by me often enough. And even one girl that I upset (and was talking about in the previous post) she wasn't angry, just hurt, so she told me that she still thinks I'm super funny and not a bad person, so like even though I do these things, I think my friends still know that I'm not trying to be a bad person and I hope they know that I'm ultimately good. But this happens too often now. I'm feeling very down about myself because of it, like I have to watch everything I say and do for fear of saying something wrong again.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
Is there anything I can do about this? Sorry for pestering, but this has been going on for awhile, and I'm getting a little down because of it.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
(Hey Ohana, I haven't forgotten your thread but I've come down with flu since we last spoke so it may be a little wait. Sorry about that, will be back with you as soon as poss).
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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I really don't think there's any rules with this. Personally, I like to talk about menstruation with friends; that's just who I am. Some people are grossed out by it, that's true, but many people aren't. So, I wouldn't label that as TMI, but rather, a level of bodily comfort some people have that others don't yet.
I don't think you need to change, Ohana. It's very painful when the people we've loved for years suddenly seem very hard to gel with around certain things - especially when we love the rest of who they are. That's one of the things that makes relationships - including friendships - so very hard; when we love so much about someone but can't get past reoccurring problems and conflicts, causing relationship to change, as the nearly always do - especially when we're young and going through so many changes and inward journeys ourselves.
It also sounds like your friends in the situation with the newspaper typos really weren't understanding your sense of humour well. All these things together seem to me like part of the same bigger picture that's about accepting yourself, even if you don't gel with everyone around you all the time. It's impossible to get on with everyone, and as hard as it is to find that out, eventually, it can feel like a huge relief - because we can then accept ourselves for who we truly are. That's also when we start to find our very best friends in life - as we find out who we gel with much more than other people; if you know what I mean?
Often, when we're young, we find it easy to make friends with anyone. Then, as we get older, we grow more into who we are, and find that people who seemed super fun and fantastic a year ago, are suddenly reacting very differently to us. It know it hurts, but friendships are like any other relationships in the sense that changes happen, and can hurt, but we can't really stop changes from happening, you know? All we can do is be ourselves and accept ourselves for who we truly are, without judgement. It does sound like you do your very best to be a caring and fun friend, so changing is not something I'd advise here.
Do you think you can spend more time with the people you do gel more with, and get to know them more? Is there anyone you can vent to and lean on about these changes with your other friends?
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Hi Rei, thank you for responding, and I'm sorry to hear you have been sick! I hope you're feeling better now
And thank you for all of this, because you're right. It's a really sad thing for me to be losing someone I really love, but the truth is we are pretty different and I guess we just didn't mix as well as I thought we did. And in the case of the two of us, yes I definitely pushed physical boundaries that she didn't want (not sexually, just too much touching for her) and she knows I'm very sorry about that, and if it was just that I wouldn't be so sad because I of course need to continue learning about boundaries that people have, and who I can be to what extent physical with. But she also told me that I had said things that made her uncomfortable, boundaries wise, and that's where I think the not being able to "gel" part comes from. Because I definitely can respect physical boundaries now, I have learned from the mistakes I made, but I can't change the way I talk, especially when the things I say that apparently make her uncomfortable are things that....I'm not saying to be mean or abusive, it's just how I talk and the things that I feel fine saying you know?
So it stinks, but I'm going to just have to move on. All of this has been making me feel really sad though, the issue with this one friend and then the whole problem I had when I told a girl I liked her (long story, and it's all in the past, but I'm not the kind of person who can let things go until awhile later. And the things that happened with all this, I'm not on bad terms with anyone anymore, but we're not the same and what was once friendship is now just...we don't talk, but if we were in the same room or party or whatever we would be cordial.) The point is that it all makes me feel down, and there are lots of times when I feel okay and happy, but even when I feel that way I still don't feel very social, which I used to be, and I really just want to be alone all the time, even though I'm lonely too.
Yeah, I have friends who I get along great with, but the thing is, even though they're good friends, I'm not as interested in their company as I used to be. It's like if they're around I'll hang with them, but I don't eagerly work to make plans to see them...but that also is due to how non-social I've been feeling. Mostly I'm waiting for college to start; I'll be a freshman and will have the change to start over and find new friends.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Hi Ohana,
I hope you don't mind me chiming in here. Like Ray, I don't think there's anything "wrong' or "bad" about you. We're all different, all act differently, and, heck, we all make social mistakes every once in a while.
What I'm also wondering though is whether you have any close friends, or even a trusted older adult (I mean, older than you) in your life with whom you could discuss this. I hear you making a lot of evaluations of your behaviour (too loud, too annoying, etc) and you might find it helpful to not just have us on the Internet tell you how cool you are but also to have someone who knows you give you an honest opinion and gentle guidance if you want it.
Also, I know it's embarrassing to be shushed and am wondering if you can shift your feeling over being shushed from embarrassment to...hmm, can't find the right word for this...appreciation? That is, rather than seeing it as something wrong with you that needed correcting, just to see it as someone being helpful to you then moving on from it?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4328 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I have closer friends who love me and accept me just fine, and because they do I don't need affirmation from them telling me how great I am because around them I feel fine. And I have "school friends" who I see and can hang out with and it be cool for awhile and we get along nicely.
All in all, it's not horribly bad. I guess it's just that certain friends that I started feeling close to started acting this way around me, and the two girls in particular who I'm not speaking to after everything well, one was one who I considered one of my closest friends (and who I happened to sort of have feelings for, I was always a little cloudy on that) and the other was a girl I liked very very much, and still have dreams about her sometimes. So even though it's not like all my friends abandoned me or anything like that, losing the two people I liked that much hurts a lot.
As for that sushing thing....that's a good idea Robin, I like that mindset. And most of the time I can see it that way, and lots of times I do, it's just sometimes when my friends sush me in not a nice way, or if I'm just in a bad mood, then I get upset over it. But really I've come to terms with how I'm just a loud person.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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