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Author Topic: Jumbled feelings
Ohana626
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Hey guys, so this is the kind of post where I pretty much know the answer to my situation, but I really want to talk it out...or rant it out haha. Thanks in advance for bearing with me here.

So I've got this girl friend of mine who I've gotten close with over the past year. She's one of my closest friends and we get along well and everything. I mean, she finds me annoying a lot of the time, and I get frustrated that she's not into cuddling as much as I am, but really we get along nicely.

Early this year she came out to me (I was the first she came out too because she knew I wouldn't judge her.) She came out to other people as well, but our relationship got kind of different during that time. She liked someone and I liked someone (still do, and as far as I know she still likes her respective person as well), but we hit a period with each other where we grew a little more physically close. That has gone away now, and I'm not sure why. It's not a bad thing, just different. Anyway.

A little after she came out to me we were hanging out by ourselves and I forget what exactly we were talking about, but a little pause entered our conversation and my friend goes "Have you ever thought about us...kissing?" And I immediately go "Yes!" because funnily enough, just earlier that day I was, mostly in a "she's gay and we're friends and it would be interesting to kiss a girl" kind of way. So she asked if I wanted to and I said yes again, and after much nervous hemming and hawing from me, we kissed twice. They were little pecks on the lips, but it was the best kiss I've had (not that I've had many, mind you) I think it was the best because out of the people I've kissed in the past, she was the one I liked the most.

We left it at that, and we never told anyone about it (except our respective people we liked...anyway, the point is this kiss was a very private thing) and we never did it again. A little bit later we were talking and we got into the "us" conversation. She said that she'd thought about it, which made me feel good because I had too, but that it'd be weird because it's "us" and besides, we don't really like each other, we're just close. And at the time I agreed with her, even though I disagreed a little.

And here's where my thoughts come in. It's true that I like someone else (she doesn't like me back, and there's a bunch of crap involved, but it's not relevant to this story, so I'm just leaving it at that I like someone else), but ever since my friend and I kissed I've wanted to do it again. I know feelings are different for each person you like, so I shouldn't compare my feelings for one girl to another, but because they're happening at the same time I can't help it. It's like...if I could be with the girl I like I would, but my friend (the girl I kissed) has also been on my mind too, and sometimes I think I like her and sometimes I don't. The only thing I know for sure is that I always want to be touching her in some way when I'm around her. And not in a dirty way; I want to play with her hair (which always smells amazing), hold her hand, rest on her shoulder, and more importantly kiss her. Sometimes I feel physically attracted to her the way I do with the other girl I like, and sometimes I don't. And then I get confused because how can I want to kiss someone I don't like physically? I guess it's just that I feel another kind of pull with her.

It's frustrating because I know she doesn't want to start anything with me, or even kiss again I don't think. Which in the long run is better, it just makes me feel lonely sometimes. I'm not sure what kind of response anyone cane give here, but just saying this out loud has made me feel a little better. [Smile]

Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi,

I really don't know if I can be of any help to you; but I have liked more than one person at a time in the past - more than once - and I know how uncomfortable, awkward, and exhausting it can be to jump from one to the other in your head. There are some things you like about one, and some things you like about the other. I think that liking two people is okay and that you shouldn't try and compare them; since as you've said, feelings you have for different people will also be differing; and those two people will be varying in personalities and other things like appearance and body language, so it might just be easier for you to try and not compare them (though I know from experience that that is so hard. You want to "choose" between them - even if one doesn't like you back - and the process gets really complicated.).

I'm sorry that your feelings are jumbled and that you are confused. I think that you are correct in saying that there is a different pull towards this girl; and the other girl you like evokes different feelings from you. We like people for different reasons; so remember that you are very close with your friend (the one you kissed), so it wouldn't be at all unlikely that you might feel the need to be more intimate with her in some way (be it deeper friendship or maybe some physical intimacy). There is nothing wrong with liking that, or wanting to kiss her, if that is how you feel.

How does she feel about the kiss? You wrote that she had considered "you and her"... Did she explain what it was that she considered (did she mean you two dating or kissing again? I'm sorry if you had written that above or if the meaning was obvious!)? If you are assuming that she didn't want the kiss to happen again, maybe it wouldn't hurt to clarify that in a casual way. You could maybe bring it up casually: "So, how'd you feel about that kiss, anyway?" with a smile and a tone that shows that you're making the comment light (it's a bit of a bold move, though). Or, you could always acknowledge the fact that you know that the question will be uncomfortable and awkward ("Hey, I know this will be a bit awkward for us to discuss, but I've been thinking about our kiss..."), so at least that can be put to the wayside and you could focus on the discussion. How do you feel about talking to her about this? I think it might help you to get some clarification on whether or not she'd want the kiss to happen again. That might help you further decide on your feelings for her.

As far as liking someone who doesn't like you back, I've definitely been there, and it hurts so much. If you want to discuss that, I'd be happy to listen.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ohana626
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Hey copper, thanks for responding!

As for my friend who I kissed, I asked her a little while ago about her thoughts on us being physically intimate, and she said that she had thought about it, but that "we didn't really like each other" so that it wouldn't really be a good idea. And at the time I agreed, mainly because I was so into the other girl, and also because I didn't want to disagree and be like "well actually I want to try some things..." and make the friendship awkward, especially because she knows my feelings for the other girl I like. And over the past few months other people got involved with feelings and it got...complicated. Long story short a mutual friend (who is best friends with the girl that I kissed) thought she liked her (same girl I kissed sorry so many "she"s) and it got a little weird for awhile. It was figured out that she didn't like her, so we ended up back at square one, but...okay so let's call the girl I kissed Alex to make this less complicated. So Alex and I shared a shorehouse with three other girls, including Alex's best friend (the one who thought she liked Alex for a little bit. She doesn't, she was just going through a confusing time for her, but she really doesn't like her.) and before all this got out Alex and I were definitely planning to share the queen bed that was in the house, but after the whole thing with her other friend she thought it was best that we didn't sleep in the same bed, to avoid confusing feelings or something like that. (funnily enough, we ended up sharing the queen bed because the other girls wanted the other beds, but we ended up all sleeping in the living room anyway so...) So I don't know if Alex is conscious of our relationship/friendship viewed by other people. And also this kiss happened back in...November or December, and the conversation about "us" happened maybe two months later. Since then we're still just as close, but not physically, mostly because in groups we don't cuddle and we haven't hung out just the two of us in a long time. I'm hoping to change that because I would like to hang with just her, so I'm going to see when we can get together soon. I'm thinking about mentioning how I've been feeling, but I know I'm going to get rejected and I don't think I can handle that, especially since I recently got seriously rejected by the other girl I like and lost my friendship with her. If I told Alex I'm confident that we wouldn't lose any friendship because we're close friend and on better terms than the other girl and I were (Also the other girl was straight so I think that freaked her out a little...) So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that.

And yeah, liking someone who doesn't like you back hurts horribly huh. It's okay now, it just turned into such a horrible situation. I told the girl I liked her, and at the time she seemed okay, but later I found out she wasn't. Our guidance counselors got involved (which doesn't mean anything bad, our class is really close with our guidance counselors it's really awesome, but it just means it got serious) and she ended up telling her friend who ended up sharing with the rest of the class...when originally only my friends knew. She also wasn't okay with how I told my friends (our mutual friends) before her, so she was "in the dark" for months, and also the fact that she was straight was a factor as well. We ended up talking about it and she got so uncomfortable around me that we lost our friendship. Later she apologized for how she treated me, because although I did upset her, I obviously never meant to and had zero bad intentions! I deserved a little of what I got from her, but not all of it, so I'm happy she apologized (and of course in the heat of the thing I apologized profusely.) So now we're not talking or friends anymore, but if we're in the same room we deal, we just don't talk. It got uncomfortable during senior week (I just got back yesterday boo haha) because some girls in my house were friends with her and the girls in her house. I just avoided the house, but when she came right into ours for a few minutes one day I was so nervous I couldn't stand it. So it's fine when we're not around each other, which we won't be because of college now, but during the heat of the whole thing when we still were around each other, it was bad. But it's over now, but it still hurts. I miss our friendship, and I still like her, she was the first girl I ever liked and that shouldn't mean much but it does to me a little, and I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't gotten over her yet, but I have a feeling that by the end of the summer I'll have moved on more.

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copper86
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I'm so sorry that this has been so difficult for you. I definitely understand how you feel. I'm honestly not really sure on what to say and if my post will even be helpful; but I want you to know that I think you're a very brave person to go through all this and handle it like you have been. Just like your feelings about not wanting things to happen with Alex at the time because you didn't really like each other changed over time, her feelings are also fluid and can change, as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your friendship seems to be very strong; so be sure not to downplay how you think she sees you. I'm sure she cares for you a lot, which is evident especially when she had put thought into there being a "you and her."

How do the other girls at the shorehouse see your relationship with Alex? I know that you don't know if Alex is conscious of how your friendship/relationship is viewed by others; but did you get any indications from the others of how they view the friendship? Outside factors often influence relationships - not always in bad ways - but maybe someone's perception of the relationship might help you in figuring things out (a neutral-ish party might help give you some perspective). Is there anyone else at the shorehouse or that knows you and Alex mutually that you can trust? You can always go to them and see what they say; not just about how they view your friendship but also so you can have support.

That sounds like a very terrifying experience. It must have been very hard for you. I've definitely had similar things happen to me. Things get extremely difficult and you just can't always be around the person you like because things are so complicated and you're still hurting. Do you think that if you tried talking to this girl about starting over, would she be receptive? It might depend on how recently this happened (if there was more of a time gap since this initial situation, maybe you both would have had some time to do some healing); but you never know: maybe in time, things will get better and you two can be friends again. My first boyfriend and I had a really weird break-up; and I spent a long time pining for him, then just got over him and stopped talking to him. We became friends again a few years later, and even though we're not super close like we once were, we still give each other advice and he's been a good friend to me for a very long time. I'm not saying that it's impossible to not rekindle a friendship; but maybe in time, if you feel up to it, you could always initiate a friendship with her if that is something that you truly want. It sounds like you care for her, and maybe having her in your life on some level might be okay.

I actually think that the first person you like like this is a pretty big deal. I still really care for my first boyfriend - not romantically, but I still care about how he's doing and think he's a really nice person - and our relationship happened over a decade ago. There's nothing wrong with you being sentimental over the first girl you liked. Maybe if you accept that that is a sentimental and okay feeling to have, getting over her might be a bit easier. I'm so sorry that this is happening, and that you are hurting. If you want to talk more about that, then feel free to post more! And you're right: the summer has just started, and I'm sure by the end of summer (though there's never a time frame for getting over someone - I know that for sure!), you might find yourself feeling a whole lot better! Take care!

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Ohana626
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Your posts are helpful Copper, I really appreciate having someone to talk to about this! Thank you (:

As for the other girls from my shorehouse, there isn't one that I would talk to about this, not because we aren't good friends, but because these things between Alex and I are very private, Alex is a pretty private person herself, and recently I had gotten in trouble for spilling secrets (I was involved in the secret, but really in hindsight it wasn't the best idea to tell, even to someone I trust) so I don't think it'd be a good idea to bring it up with anyone but Alex herself. The whole "we are all going off to college" is another big factor; what the girls from our class think doesn't matter anymore (which is actually a good thing, especially with me and the other girl I like...the situation is behind us.) Alex and I are actually going to be six hours away from each other, so starting something (assuming she wanted to) anyway isn't even that great of an idea, but still, I'm not one to drop things because of the small time frame allotted to it, even if I should sometimes. So like I mentioned before, I think the next time Alex and I hang out the two of us, I'll bring it up...only I'm not sure exactly how. I get very nervous with that kind of thing.

This is probably all speculation anyway. I'm pretty sure that Alex doesn't have any sort of feelings for me the way I've been thinking about her. And I really don't want to rock the boat, but still...she's this in between person for me, as in I'm not thinking about her all the time (like I have been with the other girl) but whenever I'm around her I just want to kiss her...only it's not exactly sexually powered, but...romantically, I suppose, if that makes sense.

It makes me feel better to hear that it's not crazy of me to put stock in the fact that the girl I've liked is my first, because it was me liking her that brought on the first major questioning to my sexuality. I still think about her all the time, and it's driving me crazy not being able to be around her anymore. She and I are also going to be six hours away from each other come September, so I don't think I'll ever see her again, let alone talk to her. She was very upset about this whole thing, so I don't think that she'd want to start talking again, even after she moves on from it as well. But that's something I'm just going to have to accept, and once I'm at college and making new friends and involving myself at the school...I think it'll be better. But then I also worry about losing Alex because of that (and the distance.) Sometimes I think that worry mixes with other feelings, but most of the time it doesn't.

Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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