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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Thoughts of physical intimacy scare me..any suggestions?

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Author Topic: Thoughts of physical intimacy scare me..any suggestions?
LillysRevenge
Neophyte
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Ok, so here's where I'm at:

I'm in the middle of a lot of different things right now, one of which is a divorce from my abusive husband. My ex who is the father of my eldest child recently showed up and decided that he wants to slowly and eventually be a part of her life. Great, right? Well, he also hinted that something in between us would be great as well and that we should let it build slowly. Which of course I'm down for, but while I was comfortable with his light touches, we were in public so it was simple things like a neck rub, put then he shoved his hands up my hair and gave a light tug, or tracing my spine. One, I can't believe that its been almost a decade since anything happened between us and he still remembers all of my spots but when he started hinting at physical intimacy when he comes back, he lives out of state and will be starting to travel here for court dates etc. Like I said when he comes back he pretty much expects us to be intimate, if it happens..between us it always did..LOL Also, even though yes I've been married since being with him I haven't kissed anyone since him. The thought of kissing him and being physically intimate don't repulse me but I am scared, thinking about it brings on this fear. I know that he would be totally gentle etc but I still feel afraid. Any suggestions on conquering the fear? All thoughts are appreciated...

Posts: 7 | From: Vancouver, WA | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Do you want to try and rekindle a relationship with this man? Form what you have written, it sounds like this has been initiated by your ex-partner, and has mostly been driven by him, so before we go any further I just want to make sure that this is something you earnestly want and are interested in.

So, how do you feel about this ex-partner? How do you feel about entering a romantic relationshp right now, period, when you are just getting out of an abusive one?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LillysRevenge
Neophyte
Member # 95915

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I would like to rekindle a relationship with him. He and I have always come together like magnets..if that makes sense. The man that I'm divorcing I actually never loved. What happened was that my ex and I had been in an on and off relationship for 7-8 years and at the end he couldn't choose between me and this other woman I got pregnant by him and just broke it off because being pregnant I wasn't about to play the game anymore and fight for his love. So, I chose my husband because I knew I could never love him and not get my heart broken. The man that I want to be with again actually acknowledged that he made the wrong choice and that in fact his relationship with the other woman ended horribly. We both want to take things like snail slow, rekindle our friendship first before anything else over the next year in my mind. I know that he is a good gentle man but my last few years with my husband were exactly the opposite so I think that's my stumbling block. I want to be able to kiss him and more but it just kind of scares me. He is also the last person that I ever kissed with tongue which I know is surprising since I was married for 7 years and had 3 other children with my soon to be ex husband but its true. So I'm kind of stuck. My ex doesn't thankfully live in the same state as me thank goodness he is in Cali but I would really like some tips since he's coming back in like 1-3 months.
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LillysRevenge
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By the way when we were together it was middle school on and off and on and off through high school and then after graduation or around graduation we got together again and that's when I got pregnant. So we were both young and dumb so I don't blame him for not just choosing to be with me back then.
Posts: 7 | From: Vancouver, WA | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Alright, thank you for providing that information.

How have your conversations with this man been going, then? Does he know what you have been through with your husband? Does he understand that you need time and space right now to heal?

I think taking it slow and starting with friendship is an excellent idea. But it sounds like you two have different concepts of where your boundaries lie with that, since he is clearly initiating contact you don't feel ready for. So the most important thing is for both of you to make clear what is and isn't okay right now, and to stick to those boundaries.

Do you feel able to have those conversations with him? Do you think that establishing those boundaries and being sensitive to those needs is something he is willing to do for you?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LillysRevenge
Neophyte
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Our conversations have been going pretty well but I think while he might have an idea of what my marriage was like no he doesn't really know the extent of the abuse. I was hoping to get away without really having him know but I think you're right and I need to have an open conversation with him. I do think that he will be considerate to my need for physical space.
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September
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You know, I think it's pretty important to be honest with people we are close to. That doesn't mean that you have to tell him everything, or tell him right away. You can absolutely take it slow, let him know that there are things to talk about and you will tell him in time.

This may help with some of the conversations aorund boundary-setting:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

How are you taking care of yourself in terms of putting this abusive relationship behind yourself? Do you have a pretty strong support net? Are your friends/family/etc standing by you? Have you looked into getting some counseling to help you process your abuse?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LillysRevenge
Neophyte
Member # 95915

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I am in therapy and a DV support group, unfortunately I don't have any family except for my 4 children all under age 9...

I am in the process of filing paperwork to divorce my husband and my other ex who I'll call Walter like I said lives out of town and won't be coming up to where I live for another few months..I hope, I'm not really sure. But I would just really like to work on my issues now so that when he does come up it won't be that much of a problem.

I definitely need to have a converse with him and will follow the link you've provided but I think that having that kind of conversation not in person might make it a little more awkward....

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September
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I am glad to hear that you have reached out for help, and have a therapist and a support group to help you through this.

Have you considered discussing your relationship with your ex, and the possibility of rekindling that romantic relationship, with your counselor? How do they feel about your readiness to enter a new romantic relationship?

I think that the most important thing right now is for you and your kids to process this abuse and start a new life. So if you are going to re-start things with your ex, he needs to understand that, and to be willing to give you the space you need. If you are feeling anxious or pressured about this new relationship, then it may just not be the right thing for you right now. Does that make sense?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm also a little curious about what happened the last time.

In other words, he was obviously out of both of your lives for a while after you were together before: what happened then?

Might be something to think about over the next few months if you continue to consider getting involved again, especially now when it's not just about your own well-being or a sexual connection, but also about your kid (for whom, as I'm sure you already know, Mom and Dad being in and out of romantic relationships can be very confusing, especially if Dad has already been in and out of their lives as it is).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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LillysRevenge
Neophyte
Member # 95915

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He and I broke up when I found out I was pregnant, he was dating someone else and I was kind of the other woman. My daughter has never known him, she doesn't even know he exists or that the man she's always thought of as her dad is in fact not. I have 3 other children also and because of what happened they are all in foster care right now.

He and I actually just had the talk that you had suggested and it was weird on my part but just like your material said he was totally understanding about everything. I didn't tell him everything but enough and he knows that I'm hesitant and everything.

Thank goodness he lives out of state so we are getting to know each other again and it should be a while before he comes up again.

Thanks for the great advice.

Posts: 7 | From: Vancouver, WA | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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