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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sticky situation...what to do?

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Author Topic: Sticky situation...what to do?
CraftyKid
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Member # 95725

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Man I've been posting a lot on here for advice it seems, oh well!

Two years ago my best friend was raped by someone she loved and trusted. That same person recently went on trial for raping another girl. Needless to say, she's had a rough time.

A month ago she started dating another guy, and seemed head-over-heels. I met this guy on a few occasions, I thought he seemed really nice. And by what she told me about him, I was impressed. I thought that she had found someone to treat her right and show her real love. Of course she has major trust issues and is wary of most people. I found on a picture-sharing community where the guy she is dating was into some very explicit photography - showing very degrading images of women being beaten, strangled, and some with implied rape. There wasn't anything artful about them, just trust me that they were awful. Something that my best friend would be nervous about. Even after they started dating he is still re-posting these photos. (BTW he knows her situation with rape and such)

So what do I do? Do I tell her about this? I don't know this guy well at all so I can't vouch for him. I just don't know what to do.

[ 05-30-2012, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: CraftyKid ]

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LillysRevenge
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AS hard as this might be to hear, and I know because there was a time when this was me. Does she know about those pics? Of course she does, does she like them or want to look at them NO WAY. However, some women can only orgasm during sex if it is fake rape. This is something that is completely embarrassing to talk about so be careful if you decide to bring this up.
Posts: 7 | From: Vancouver, WA | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CraftyKid
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She's not the girl in the pictures, I don't know if thats what you meant or not. Knowing my friend, if she knew this guy was into this stuff she'd be uncomfortable.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Personally? If it was my friend I would say something.

I mean, you know all the whys here: the last thing she likely wants and needs is to get involved with someone who is turned on by abuse and assault, and it's still early enough in the dating that knowing that, dealing with it, and making choices about that now -- and discussing it with him, perhaps -- is going to be a lot less painful and such now than months down the road.

Can I ask what you WANT to do? What you feel is the right thing to do knowing her, and knowing the kind of friendship you have?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CraftyKid
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Hi all,

Update:

Heather, I took into consideration what you said. I realized that knowing my best friend, I should say something about it. She would do the same if it were me in the situation. I guess I needed a second opinion because I didn't want to seem like I was imposing, when in fact this is a time that someone need to impose.

She said she wasn't surprised because she had been over at his house when he was online and he quickly shut the lid to his laptop every time she walked in the room. She also said there were some questionable web sites. However, the assault fantasies were too much for her.

She told him it didn't make her feel comfortable that he visited those web sites and had those pictures and he told her she was a stuck up bitch. He also said that she wasn't for him anyway because she was insecure and boring. He knows about her past with rape and the current situation with her rapist being plastered all over the TV and newspapers. Now he is harassing both of us via text message. He even made the comment that he hopes that her rapist gets out of jail and is walking free on the streets of our hometown.

[ 06-01-2012, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: CraftyKid ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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CraftyKid: I'm off today, but I read this before I finished work last night and wanted to make sure to reply this morning.

I'm certainly sorry it turned out this way, though at the same time, it seems clear you saying something was the right thing, since this person appeared to show their true colors after your friend brought these things up with him.

Neither of you needs to tolerate harassment, so I would advise taking steps so that that harrassment stops. Here's a quick piece on unwanted calls to your phone: http://www.wirefly.com/learn/how-to/how-to-block-unwanted-calls-to-your-cell-phone/

Of course, you also can both simply text him back one, tell him he may not harass you and needs to stop, then not reply again. Saving the texts versus deleting the can be a good idea in case he escalates and you need to show someone at the police or with other authority what he has been doing. You can also let him know any texts he sends will be saved, that can help deter someone. But otherwise, don't reply back, either of you.

I'll be back for a little bit tomorrow if you want to talk more, and your friend is welcome to jump in, too, if she likes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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