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Author Topic: Talking to my mother about sex
theantlers
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I'm 17. My mother has met my boyfriend, she knows how I feel about him and how he feels about me, she likes him a lot. She is VERY supportive of our relationship. We recently have become sexually active and I'm comfortable with that, I know that I am ready to handle the responsibilities that come with it, I practice safe sex and I'm mature enough to deal with the consequences if any do occur.

However, there's one thing that is a bit of a dilemma for me. I asked her if my boyfriend could sleep over and the first thing she asked me was "You're not going to have sex, right?" I quickly said "No!" because I was anxious and then she said that he was allowed. Afterwards, I went back to talk to her and asked her why she brought that up, and she said "Well, I'm a parent. It's what I do." I understand where she is coming from but I really don't like going behind her back and sneaking around to do these things. It makes sex feel like it has to be rushed just incase she comes home. There was already one incident where she almost caught us but we had put on our clothes before she came to my room.

She told me the same night that whenever I feel like I'm ready to have sex to go talk to her. I tried talking about it earlier but she didn't have time. I don't know how to bring it up again or what to say to her since I'm afraid she'll be more strict when it comes to my boyfriend coming over here and letting us have time alone. [Frown] She usually lets us do our own thing when he comes to visit and lets us spend time alone but I always feel nervous that she's going to catch us doing something and then get mad at me. I just would like to be able to be open and honest with her because we are very close, we talk about a lot of things together and I hate lying to her. I think it would take a lot of weight off my shoulders too to not have to sneak around to be intimate with someone I care about and to not be lying to my mother. I told my boyfriend what happened and he agrees that I should try talking to her.

Any input or advice would be much appreciated.

Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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This is a tough one.

Perhaps you can say to your mother that you do want to be able to talk to her about sex, BUT that you don't want her to interfere in any way with your sex life. (You may wish to phrase it in such a way that it isn't clear that you're having sex).

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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theantlers
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I tried talking to her and she got really rude and angry with me. [Frown] I feel stupid for bringing it up with her.
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eryn_smiles
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Hi theantlers, i'm sorry to hear that. In what way did she become rude and angry? what did she say? I don't think you're stupid at all. I would hope that she remembers telling you to come and talk to her about these things.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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theantlers
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Her tone of voice and posture got really defensive when I brought up the topic with her. She told me that she remembered a situation in the past that had happened to me and how she knew I wasn't ready to deal with any of it. The situation she brought up happened 2 years ago, I had sex with a guy who I was dating at the time and we broke up not too soon afterwards for other reasons. She shamed me a lot for that afterwards and made it seem like I was in the wrong for doing that. Last night she brought up how she was extremely mad at me for that because I didn't tell her and I told her that we didn't plan for it to happen and I didn't want to tell her because we weren't close at the time and because I knew she would react like she was right in that moment. I asked her why she was getting so defensive with me when she had told me the night before to go and talk to her. She had told me that it was too soon for me to be thinking of having sex and because of what has happened in the past, I guess she thinks that I'm still immature or not ready to handle it. She told me that I have to act like an adult if I wanted to be treated like one. Her tone of voice was really harsh and she said "And then there's the issue of STDS, infections, condoms, etc" I told her that I knew about those risks and then she got even more frustrated with me. At one point I had said to her that putting off talking about this subject and/or just saying "No, don't do it" hasn't done anything and it hasn't helped me. Things happened anyways and the one time I wanted to talk to her, she freaks out.

A lot happened and a lot was said, some of it I don't remember because I am just exhausted right now from the argument. [Frown] I wish I could have her support rather than have her look down on me for something that isn't wrong or something that I should feel bad about.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that your mother reacted in this way and how she treated you in the past. It was totally not okay for her to shame you about having sex when you did, and there is nothing wrong with having any kind of sex as long as it is what the people having the sex want! And just because a relationship ends after some kind of sex, doesn't mean that that's why. Before my last relationship ended my ex and I started moving further with sex (not intercourse) than we had before and soon after broke up, but it had nothing to do with the sex we'd been having!

In light of what I now know about the way in which your mother reacted, I would say that you may wish to consider whether there is a benefit to talking to her.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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copper86
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I understand that you do not want to lie to your mother; or to keep secrets from her. I struggle with the exact same issue with both parents. I commend you for going this far, though! You're very brave! I'm so sorry that she reacted to you in such a negative way. It's not fair that she told you to talk to her about when you decide to have sex; but when you do bring it up a while later, she gets defensive.

I wish I could give you better advice or more comforting words; but sometimes it's just difficult to communicate things like this to parents. I'm not saying it can never be done and that you should stop trying; I'm just stating that it can really be challenging. Make a list of the pros and cons of telling your mother that you are having sex; and weigh each thought (be it a pro or a con) against one another. That might help you.

It's great that your boyfriend is supportive of you telling your mother! How does he feel about the argument you had with her?

I really commend you for being courageous and bringing this up with your mother. No matter what you decide, remember that you were brave and trying to be open and honest. That is very important. I'm proud of you, and we've never even met! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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