I kicked my boyfriend out of my bed the other night because I thought he was using my hand to touch himself while I was sleeping.
We both agreed that it was okay to cuddle until I got sleepy and then we would detach. He seemed okay with that. I made sure he knew I loved his cuddles and being close with him and my reasons for detaching had nothing to do with him. When I fell asleep we were facing different directions.
I was awakened slightly by the feeling of my hand being guided sexually on his body. I remember not wanting to do anything and taking my hand away and falling asleep right away. Shortly after, he woke me up fully to ask if it was okay for him to masturbate. But when he woke me up his one leg and one arm was over my body and his other hand was holding mine. I didn't remember falling asleep this way. I still felt a little shocked from the feeling prior of the sexual touching. I was confusing as to why we were so close so I asked him why we were holding hands. He said he didn't know and that he must of feel asleep this way. When he asked me if it was okay to masturbate I thought he might if he wanted me to have sex with him so I ask but he said no, he has to work in 3 hours. I said it was okay if he did.
But at that point, I felt confused as to why he even woke me up in the first place and wondered if he was really holding my hand to get me to touch himself. So I asked if he did that. He said no, he didn't. He seemed shocked by the question and said he must of fallen asleep and started to cuddle with me. But I didn't think it made sense that he knew what time it was. He must of been up to check his phone before draping his limbs over my body. I checked the phone and it was exactly 3 hours until he had to be up.
He said he didn't but then rolled over and fell asleep. I felt uncomfortable with this because I do have a history with sexual abuse and we have talked about it before. I had mentioned I have trust issues and have strong boundaries around sex because of my past. He's always been very supportive and understanding, but in the past he hasn't been completely honest about things, like he's opinions on important subjects or what he wants or needs. It makes me worried.
I'm looking for advice on putting this into perspective, I guess. I know this could very well be my own trust issues that I am projecting upon him and our relationship but in my gut feeling, I felt what happened. I felt uncomfortable with him being in my room and I didn't feel safe with him anymore so I asked him to leave. It was 2:30 in the morning. I knew asking him to leave was going to be a crazy, implusive action. At first he said, I want to talk about it and he said once again that he didn't do it but there was some shaken part of me that didn't believe him and I told him. He said maybe it is best that I leave.
We discussed before that I am not comfortable with being sexually touched while I am sleeping. I know he is comfortable if I do it to him while he is sleeping.
Should I apologize and forgive him? I know this has to do with me trusting his word but part of me doesn't know what trusting someone fully means. Does it mean believing then when they say they did or didn't do something? Not having doubt in their word? I don't want to end our relationship. I want to work towards having our relationship be healthy and respectful and loving. Right now, I feel my reaction to what I thought and felt had happened isn't healthy or respectful or loving.
I know in one of the articles about checking up on your relationship it asked, "If either one of us has any special issues or challenging history, such as a history of abuse, not being out, a mental illness or disorder, a physical, intellectual or social disability, are we both informed about how that issue might impact our relationship and are we prepared to manage it?" We both know I have a history of sexual, emotional and verbal abuse but how do we know the impact and how do I/we manage it within our relationship?
Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010
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Hello WildeRice, I'm afraid I won't be much help with most of this, but there are a few things that I wanted to comment on. If you don't feel comfortable having your boyfriend in your bed, at whatever time of the night, then it is absolutely reasonable and rational to ask him to leave.
How honest is your boyfriend with you in other parts of your relationship? Has he ever lied to you before?
I don't think that you need to appologized to your BF. I can't know if he did what you felt him do, but I do know that either way you felt something and it is within your rights to ask him about it.
Is your boyfriend someone trust-worthy?
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 827 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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