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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » It's a trust thing...

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Author Topic: It's a trust thing...
kittycat612
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Hi,

So my boyrfriend and I have been together for a year and a few months and I really care about him and I know he feels the same for me.

My problem is, is I get so worked up when I see him or he talks about girls from our school, that he is good friends with, that are extremely flirty. One has cheated on her boyfriend and the other is just a constant flirt. I guess it just bothers me to hear him talk about them on a regular basis.

Today, he said that he was making a movie with two other guys and one of the "flirty" girls. He said that he is supposed to be "dating" one of them for the dramatic scene and holding hands throughout the movie. It bothered me SO MUCH when he said that because I guess I feel like that it is MY hand to hold and play with. Not hers. I told him that it bothered me for some reason and before I even said that, he switched parts with one of the guys because he somehow knew it bothered me when he said something.

I hate the feeling of jealousy and I don't want it at all. I just don't ever want to get my heart crushed if something were to happen. I seem to be that way with a lot of girls he gets closer friends with and I don't know why. I'd just really like some help on what I can do for this situaiton. It's really a trust thing...even though he hasn't given me ONE reason to not trust him in the past year (which I keep trying to tell myself, but it seems that it doesn't work). I guess i'm just scared of losing my best friend in the entire world (and he has been for 6 years).

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copper86
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I can empathize with you when it comes to issues like this. I too am quite defensive when my partner talks to other girls; or if I know he's hanging out with friends that are girls. I too don't like feeling jealous and hate that I feel that way; but that feeling is quite hard to control.

The guys we know will always interact with women - friends, sisters, acquaintances, etc. - and we can't really do anything about it. I know that sounds kind of blunt; and I don't mean it to be... But it's inevitable that he will talk to girls; and some might be flirty like you've described. It'd get me mad too; but a few things you should try to think of when you get jealous are that he has never given you an example of being unfaithful or untrustworthy; he changed parts because he somehow felt that it bothered you that his role involved dating someone else; and the fact that you've been best friends and together for over a year.

All those reasons might help you to feel better. I certainly know that that's easier said than done; but try and think of all those things when you feel upset. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way! If you find yourself feeling jealous or upset, maybe distract yourself by thinking of a fun date you and your boyfriend could do when you're together; or even something random to cheer you up, like a favourite movie or something funny someone said.

I hope you're doing well! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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kittycat612
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Thanks for the reply! Could you plesae give me some advice on how to reduce this jealousy. I hate it and want to trust him. I feel like I can't just becasue I don't want to be let down.
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copper86
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It's completely natural to be afraid of someone letting you down. I think that goes for all relationships; not just romantic ones like yours (parents, siblings, friends). It's not a very healthy thing to think about all the time; but I am pretty much in the same boat you are - always afraid someone is going to hurt me or let me down. But I think there are some ways for you to handle that.

It seems like you have a very open relationship with your boyfriend. You could always talk to him about how you sometimes feel that if you trust people, they might let you down and you'd feel bad. You could even give the example of friendship so he doesn't think you're pointing any fingers. See what he says; and maybe that conversation might help you feel better about trusting him and others in your life.

As far as reducing jealousy, I think it's a tough trait to try and get rid of. You can try reminding yourself of his relationship with you - you were friends first before dating, right? If he has never done anything to make you think he might leave; then cling to that. Also, if he was your friend first for five years, to me that sounds like you had a good relationship for all that time (if there were trust issues there, the friendship could have weakened over time or you might have not considered dating him initially). So remember all of those things when you feel jealous and afraid.

A good sign is that you really dislike your jealous feelings. That will give you the resolve to try and stop; though I don't think this kind of feeling can stop, just like that. It'd probably be a process; like catching yourself in the act of feeling that way and then trying to work out why you feel that way and then trying to rationalize your behaviour.

Try not to beat yourself up about feeling this way. As I've said, jealousy is a common feeling, even though it's something we really don't want to have. When you start to feel jealous, make a list of things in your head:

a) your boyfriend has never left you for someone else before.
b) he is conscious of your feelings and switched roles in a play to make you feel better - that means he cares about you and how you feel.
c) you were friends for five years before you started dating - there is already a level of trust between you and a lot of affection behind those years of friendship.
d) he has never given you any indication that he might leave - perhaps your jealousy or fears are unfounded (I am paranoid by default, so I am prone to a lot of misplaced or unfounded anxiety).\

Do whatever you can to rationalize against your worries. Even writing out a list of reasons against your jealousy might help.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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kittycat612
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Thank you so much for the informative response. Reading this has definitely helped. I'll make sure to remember those things and hopefully my feelings of jealousy will eventually decline.
Thanks again [Smile]

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copper86
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You're welcome! I am actually a very jealous person, so I often fall victim to those feelings, too. I'm sure your feelings of jealousy will eventually die down, too!
Take care!! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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soccer06
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Thanks so much. I honestly don't really know what to do now with some things.

I feel like sometimes he tries to make me jelous by elaborating on other girls' stories or things he talks to them about to me, even though he claims he doesn't.

I feel like we've definitely been having a rough patch for the last couple of months too. We seem to fight a lot about small things and i don't know if it's whether we see each other too often (in school) or something else. We've never had this issue before and i don't know what to do about it.

Also, I feel like the romantic part of our relationship is pretty much gone. We play around with each other, kind of like giving head-locks, hitting, yelling, and we've seemed to have lost that part for the most part.

Another thing is that we've said mean comments to each other that we would have never even brought up before (a while back) and I feel like he thinks that he can just say rude comments to me.

Our relationship a couple months, and the year before that was really great and I absolutely loved him to death. I just really don't know where we went wrong and now am arguing and saying things about everything. I really want to try and work things out, but i don't know how. I also don't want to continue to hound on him 24/7 about things he/we should change either.

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Heather
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(Hey soccer: as we mentioned in another thread, it's against our guidelines for users to be using more than one handle at a time. Like we said in another of your threads, we need you to let us know which to turn off and which you want to keep if you want to keep posting here. Thanks!)

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soccer06
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Shoot. Sorry. If you could just delete the kittycat one that would be great. Thank you
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Heather
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Permissions for that one are turned off now. Thanks. [Smile]

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soccer06
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Perfect. Thanks! Could you please help me out with this topic still?
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Heather
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Sure. can you fill me in on where you're at with all of this as of right now? Including what talks you two have had about all of this and how they've gone?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Well, right now we're hitting a rough patch and have been for the past couple months. Everything we say to each other starts another arguement and at this point I don't know what to do.

I feel like the romance in our relationship is also gone and I feel like we don't respect each other as much anymore. We start calling each other names and saying rude comments to one another, stuff we would have never would have thought of doing a few months ago. (dating for a year and a half). I feel like he's also just starting to get too rough with me.

Another thing we've had a problem with jealousy. I've been getting so jealous when he talks about talking to other girls because he's always giving me stories about how fun something was or something funny one said. I'm jealous that I can't be the person anymore that seems to brighten his day like I used to be.

We've tried to talk about the arguing a lot before, but haven't found a solution or a specific source (therefore, i don't know how to start solving it). I'd like to talk to him about some of the other things, but I also don't want to be nagging at him especially during this rough patch.

I really love him and want to be with him. I just don't know how to get some things changed or back to how they used to be a few months ago. It's been pretty rough on me lately.

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Heather
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So, you'd say communication has totally broken down? As in, you can't even discuss your feelings any more, either of you?

Have you two ever been able to resolve conflicts or talk well about tough feelings before this?

AND there has been name calling and either unhealthy or outright abusive verbal stuff going on?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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I wouldn't say that our communication has broken down, I feel like we try to avoid the conflicts and act like nothing has happened when we set a time to talk about these specific thingss.

That's the thing I also don't get. We've been able to solve ANY conflict before. I've always been told I was lucky that I have a boyfriend that I can talk to anything about and talk things out with. I feel like there are just so many things piled up that I don't even know where to start.

I would say more just rude comments. Like his mom said something about me to him and he told me what she said that was pretty rude. I guess it's mainly things that I don't really want to hear. Things that he shouldn't even say to begin with. I just don't know what to do.

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Heather
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Well, sounds to me like nothing is going to happen unless you two can both first agree there is a serious communication breakdown -- because there is if you avoid discussing issues -- and that you also have never been able to learn how to resolve conflict together and need to do that.

If you can start at least there, then I'd say you may be able to go past that and start working on this. If you can't even start there, then really, I think you might have to consider you might be at a dead end.

But how about trying with starting at the start first to see?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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We were talking about it today and he said that he'd call me after baseball tonight to talk. I just don't want to start slamming him for things. Could you please give me some tips on how to talk about it without just naming all of the wrong things that we think the other has done? I just really need advice on how to talk about things (like maybe ways to resolve a conflict and how I should try and approach it). thanks so much
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Heather
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I'd start with baby steps, not try and figure out how to do all of this at once. Especially since you can't. If you two have never been able to really deal with conflict before, after all, it is something you are going to have to learn to do together and work on together if that's going to change. It's also not something only one person -- you -- can fix by yourself or with help from someone besides your boyfriend.

So, how about starting with what I suggested? With telling him communication around conflicts has broken down in your relationship, and that, in your relationship, you both clearly don't know how to esolve conflicts together. That that's upsetting you and you're feeling like you don't know how to repair the relationship because of it, and you'd really like to work on those things together if he is.

That's not slamming him with anything, nor is it even just about him: it's about both of you.

If you can do that, don't then go to what "wrong" things he or you has done. Talking about those things is a next step after first talking about how working through conflict has gone, what hasn't worked, and brainstorming together about what each of you think CAN work better, and making plans about how you're going to go about that together.

And again, you have to see if he can even get to that place. because if he can't get on board with that stuff, there's really no point in talking about what has or hasn't been done, because without both of you being willing to work on it with dedication, and acknowledge it needs to be worked on, this is a dead end.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Ok, I'll try to start there tonight and take baby steps, and If that doesn't work and everything still continues, maybe it's not worth it (which is incredibly hard for me to see). I'll start with that though. Thank you
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Heather
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I'd figure that in order to even get a sense of if things can change or not, you have to have this kind of conversation first.

And in the event that he won't even have that or acknowledge there are problems that need to be resolved, including an inability of the two of you to deal with any problems, I think it'd be pretty tough to figure it makes sense to keep pursuing this.

But we're not there yet, you know? Start at the beginning. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Hi Heather,
Last night we talked about how we've clearly been having some issues and are trying to pinpoint when certain things started. Right now , we've decided to each try 2 new things to see how that helps our arguing and fighting. It's a start, right? We also talked about if we're both not willing to put 100% into fixing things and getting things back to the way they used to be, then our relationship probably isn't worth giving 100% either. Hopefully this helps. Do you have any more advice for the future? Thanks!

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Heather
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That DOES sound like a start, a really good one!

Sounds like you had a really good talk, no?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Yeah! I talked about how it seems like we've talked about arguments before, but never came to a complete solution of them, and that this time, that needs to change if we're going to make this work. We were also going to try writing down 5 things we love about each other and 5 things that maybe we did before that we really liked and now we don't do as much so we can really get back to what our relationship was before all of the arguing took place. So, hopefully this will be a good start to solving things!
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Heather
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Well, kudos to you both. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Hopefully it starts to get better from here. Thanks for your help!
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Heather
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Do you feel like you, all by yourself, have some good skills with resolving conflict? In other words, not just with him, but with other people, is that something you've felt you've been able to do well?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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I feel like i'm good at solving conflicts. I actually figured that out when we started dating and had some TINY arguments that we were able to talk out. From then I used those skills to help with friends (which i'm now really good at, too). I feel like it's just when we had our 1st big fight, that I didn't know how to solve it (it worked for little arguments). Do you think it's something that once we work through this, it'll all be easier with another down the road (just like the small fights did)?
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Heather
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Well, for sure, once we learn in a relationship how to resolve conflict together, doing so gets a lot easier.

To boot, if we're in a pattern of avoidance with conflict, conflicts only tend to get bigger, and all of that creates secondary problems. So, once avoidance stops, things improve, too, and conflicts don't tend to snowball, which also makes resolving them a heck of a lot easier.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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That's where I definitely feel we're at right now. That we avoided solving earlier ones so now there are more to look at as well. I'm confident that the "avoiding of problems" is definitely going to stop. I know both of us are sick and tired of arguing so now we just need to figure out what we need to do in order for us to solve these things. Then hopefully, as you said, it all gets easier from there. I just think we both need to work 110% if we truely want to find out how to fix this.
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WesLuck
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There is a book called "Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship" by David Schnarch that talks about emotional gridlock/fusion in a relationship and how to work to solve it.
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