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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Does this make me a bad person? And why do I feel this way?

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Author Topic: Does this make me a bad person? And why do I feel this way?
Atonement
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Member # 42492

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Normally, when I want to get something like this off my chest, I talk to my mother. However, this story evolves me being places that I didnít exactly tell her I went, so here it goes.

Today, I, Atonement, perpetually single nice girl, sort of stood someone up. I feel bad about it, but feel nowhere near a bad as I did when I thought I was actually going to go. But anyway, a little background info:

About a week ago, it was the first day of my 3 week long summer break. It had been a pretty stressful semester academically, so my friend and I decided that we were going to go to a night club.

I had been to a night club once before. However, it had been with my roommates rather than a friend, it was too crowded to dance, and we left early. So I didnít really count that time.

This time was worse though. I was fun at first, just dancing with my friend. But before long, a guy asked her to dance. It was still all right. Then, around the time I was starting to get tired, a guy asked me to dance.

This guy was entirely drunk, and completely not my type, but I figured why not? The guy obviously sensed my tense-ness, and proceeded to give me a lecture about how I needed to ďhave funĒ (The whole ďYou are not physically attracted to me, so that makes you a soulless prudeĒ talks are among my least favorite conversations with guys. Unfortunately, that was not the first time.) Now, maybe he was right. I DID need to have more fun. The problem is, my idea of ďfunĒ didnít coincide with his, which was apparently practically having dry sex on the dance floor.

My friend was having fun, so rather than leave then, I just carefully ensured that there was a substantial amount of space between my backside and his crotch. So then, he started trying to kiss me. Thankfully, I was able to catch my friendís eye, and we disappeared to the bathroom and never came back.

Outside, my friend wanted to stay, but Iíd had enough. I kindly reminded her that the club closed in 15 minutes anyway, so she agreed to leave.

We were parked across the street, on campus, so we walked to our parking garage. It was a nice, cool, clear night, so we decided to sit outside on a bench for a while and discuss how rude the guy in the club was.

A few minutes later, another guy showed up and sat next to us. He was entertaining enough, seemed intelligent, and more amazingly: he was sober.

We talked for a while, and Iím not going to lie. After the guys in the club, he was a breath of fresh air.

He then invited us to go get food with him, and we did. We talked for a while, and before we left, he said we should hang out sometime, and asked for our numbers.

Later, after we got home, he texted us, and was flirting with both of us. It seemed harmless enough, as sleep deprived and giggly as we were. However, eventually he stopped texting and we went to sleep.

I didnít hear from him for a while, and assumed heíd forgotten. Then, last night, he texted me, asking if I wanted to go to lunch.
The first thing I did was text me friend to see if heís texted her. He had.

I was kind of uncomfortable, especially knowing that he was asking her as well (she wasnít interested though- sheís in an exclusive relationship). But, I decided I needed to be more spontaneous. So I said yes.

For some unknown, unexplainable reason, I immediately felt like Iíd made a big mistake. I still donít know why. Was it because he mentioned heís moving out of state in a couple weeks? Was it because Iíd lied to my mother and told her I was home the night I met him? Was it because I knew I wasnít really attracted to him and was leading him on? I have no clue.

But, a deal was a deal. Iíd already agreed.
This morning, it just so happened that I had a Skype meeting with my therapist. I told her all about it, and how nervous I was. How I didnít like dates with people I didnít know, and really didnít want to go on one with him.

She told me that I didnít have to think of it as a date. It could just be two acquaintances having lunch together. She talked me through the whole thing, but at the end of the conversation, she told me to trust my gut instincts.

I killed the next 2 hours reading a book. 10 minutes before I was supposed to meet him, I left my apartment. I also forgot my phone.

I realized I left my phone when I was about halfway there, so I didnít have time to go back for it. It was raining, and I donít know if it was my nerves or the wet roads, but I almost lost control of my car 3 times.

When I finally got to the place where the restaurant was, I couldnít find it. What shocked me was, I didnít feel more panicked. I felt relieved. So I decided to go home, get my phone, and tell him that I was lost and I couldnít make it.

On the way home, I saw the restaurant. It was on the opposite side of the road than I expected it to be. I kept driving anyway.

When I got home, there was a missed call from him. There were also missed calls from my friend, because apparently he texted her and told her I hadnít showed, and she was worried. I texted him and told him that I was lost and had to go home for my phone. I told him that Iíd had a really hectic day, I was supposed to be packing, and asked if we could cancel. He said yes, but was brief, and I think I probably hurt his feelings. But I just couldnít do it.

I called my friend and told her the truth. She said not to worry about him, and if I was uncomfortable, I did the right thing.
I feel guilty. I know that if I didnít want to go, I shouldnít have said yes. But the thing is, I didnít realize how badly I didnít want to go until I said yes.

Which brings me to the question: why do I feel this way? He was a nice enough guy. I mean, sure, he was leaving the state in a couple weeks, so all he really could have expected was a hookup or a brief fling. But I still feel kind of bad. However, the huge knot that was in my chest when I thought I was going to go is gone.
So, was it really an instinct that told me meeting up with him was bad for me? Do I have issues?

I mean, with the guy from my previous posts (http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011569.html), I had no problem with the idea of going on a date with him. But, I feel like thatís because I knew him, liked him, and had a certain degree of trust in him.

Another reason might have been, I wasnít really into this guy. One of my pledges to myself was that I wouldnít end up with a guy that I wasnít genuinely attracted to.

I just feel kind of bad. I donít like clubs, I donít like dates with strangers. Is this the recipe to becoming a mad old cat lady?

Also, I really feel like I did the right thing by cancelling the date, but I NEVER thought Iíd be the person that would stand someone up (even if it technically wasnít standing him up, because I contacted him the minute I got to a phone.) Does this make me a bad person?

Posts: 444 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(I know my fair share of "old cat ladies." They're some of my fave people.)

You know, I think you're putting a lot on something which, I'd say, at best, was just an incident of crummy manners, and crummy manners largely due to the fact that you obviously felt unable to rescind your yes to this when you wanted to.

I know in the past we've talked about you having a hard time asserting yourself with similar stuff, so it sounds to me like instead of feeling guilty about something really minor, a better use of your energy would just be to do some work on that, maybe think some more about what you would have needed in order to just call back, say "You know, I'm sorry, but I said yes and have since realized I'd just rather not. My apologies, and nice meeting you."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68212 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
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(I totally get you on the cat lady thing- there's nothing wrong with it! I just always hoped that my last romantic relationship wouldn't be at 19!)

I guess I really do have a lot of trouble asserting myself, and that probably goes back to the fact that assertiveness wasn't something encouraged in my family growing up. And both my brother and I (and my older siblings- my younger sister somehow magically got an assertiveness gene) have had to face the consequences of that.

I guess my thought was that saying that would sound incredibly wishy-washy. Not that my actions looked any less so. But at the same time, I'm so much more used to avoidance than to any other strategy.

I think this is also a lesson for me. Since moving here, I've put a lot of pressure on myself to be spontaneous and step out of my comfort zone. Up until now, that's been a great experience for me, but i guess this is just showing than taking one extreme is no better than taking another, and that I DO need to think through decisions.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, maybe it was wishy-washy. But that's okay: we get to be wishy-washy or indecisive in life sometimes. And someone thinking we're wishy-washy is hardly the end of the world, especially when it's, say, a potential date, and not an entire countries' voters. [Razz]

Sounds, though, like you have a handle on what you need to work on. Also sounds like it might hep to think about how you can let go of what others think of you, too. Certainly, if we're too attached to what others think, it's going to be hard to make the choices we want to and speak up for ourselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68212 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

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(just curious- I didn't get the political thing and am curious. Is it anything that's appropriate to discuss here? Because I totally respect your opinions, and would definitely take them into consideration while becoming politically informed, [Smile] )
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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No worries. I was just making a joke: people said that about Kerry. Incidentally, I don't think it's because he actually was that, but simply because he was willing to be thoughtful and change his position on something.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68212 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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