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Author Topic: Awkward Situation
copper86
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I don't enjoy posting personal information like this online; but this community has been really helpful to me, so I thought I'd post my situation in a safe place like this.

I currently really care for a guy that I am seeing; but this situation does not concern him. When this person I'm seeing - Guy 1 - ended things with me last year, I was heartsick. My brother is in a band; and he had made a friend in someone who eventually became the drummer in his band. I think that since I wanted a distraction from Guy 1 (who I had to still see often and really wanted/liked), I decided that I wanted to like the drummer, Guy 2. We have a lot in common and he's really nice; so I distracted myself by thinking of him and not how hurt I was.

I told my brother in an email (I was at school at the time) that I wanted to ask the drummer out. My brother answered, saying he didn't want me to do that; since it'd be an awkward situation for him, because he knew Guy 2 would ask him about it and he didn't want to mediate. Also, if he said "no" or whatever, the band could suffer. But after all that happened, I got over it really quickly; and I think that had to do with the fact that I really didn't like or want Guy 2 that much - it was Guy 1 that I really cared for.

About a month later, Guy 1 and I became intimate again; and now it's a year later and I am still seeing him and am very happy. I do not like Guy 2; but I'm finding it kind of awkward to be around him now. Maybe it's because my brother knew I had liked him last year and I don't want to do anything that would look like I liked him or like him now (we are good-ish friends to begin with); but I still find being around Guy 2 to be weird. I like him as a friend; but it still gets kind of weird sometimes, especially when he sits with me, hugs me, or gives me random gifts. Even when my brother is around and Guy 2 would give me attention, I'd kind of be weirded out by it.

Again, I know I don't like him (especially since Guy 2 rarely crosses my mind at all, and I'm always thinking of Guy 1); but does anyone have any suggestions on how I could stop feeling awkward around Guy 2? He's a nice guy and a good friend of mine and the family; and it's sad that I feel like I can't always say stuff to him because I'm afraid people might think I like him.

[ 05-08-2012, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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You know, it sounds to me like the crux of this for you is just accepting that we can't ever control what people think. You know who you're with right now and who has your favor.

As well, it's going to happen sometimes in our lives that we have feelings for someone we either pursue or don't, but which are fleeting. Sure, it can feel a little weird at first to get out of that groove and into a new one, but the weirdness usually passes with time.

It sounds to me like your brother is still your biggest concern right now, so if anything, how about you just have a little chat with him telling him how you feel and reassuring him your romantic interest now lies elsewhere?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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I think you are right in that I care very much what certain people think of me (people who are close to me)... I'm hoping that these awkward feelings go away; because they are often a hindrance when Guy 2 is at the house or when I'm around the band in general.

I might have told my brother that I had stopped liking Guy 2 (he had apologized about the situation a while after it initially happened); but I can't remember. I can't really tell him that I like someone else; since Guy 1 and I are seeing each other in secret (though my brother knew about him; but I'm thinking he just thinks we don't talk anymore). But you're right: I could always just tell him that I don't like Guy 2 anymore; if I haven't already done that over a year ago - I can't remember!

Thank you for your response and advice!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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Can I ask why you're having to keep this secret?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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I've been seeing Guy 1 off and on for about two years; and it's a sexual relationship. We know a lot of the same people and have decided to keep things secret for personal reasons (especially since our mutual friends do not believe in sex before marriage). Guy 1 and my brother used to be friends in high school (which was many years ago, when they were in Grade 9); but they both dislike one another now, so I do not want to start a confrontation with either of them by telling my brother about him again.

I actually feel really weird posting this online; though it'd be kind of a leap for me to be identified this way. I just like keeping my personal life private, I guess!

[ 05-11-2012, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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I hear you.

At the same time, one of the reasons I asked is that ongoing "secret" relationships tend to be awfully stressful for a lot of people, and it can be really hard to keep them healthy, on both accounts since talking about our closest relationships in life with others we're close to, and having our closest relationships at least somewhat integrated tends to be pretty important.

That isn't to say that means people don't get to keep some of what goes on within their relationships private, of course they do. For instance, plenty of people choose not to talk about their sexual lives in detail outside their sexual relationships.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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I understand what you are saying. I do get quite stressed about the secrecy; especially since I know his family very well and we have mutual friends with very conservative views.

Sometimes I wish my parents knew; since my mother had used the birth control pill, so I think she could be of assistance to me if I ever had any questions. But my sex life would probably injure her and my father (who are very conservative); and I still want to keep that part of my life private, since I truly believe that (being religious), it's between God, me, and the other person.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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I hear you. But since it sounds like it is stressful -- and I bet this is also adding to the stress around this other dude -- perhaps you might want to think about disclosing that you're in a relationship -- heck, even just as a friendship if you didn't want to disclose that it's romantic -- without disclosing it is a sexual relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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My brother, if I were to tell him I was seeing someone, would automatically jump to the conclusion that it's Guy 1. This is really more of a sexual relationship than anything romantic; but it was my choice, regardless. My brother is really overprotective of me - though I love him to death and often appreciate him thinking of me - but I know if he knew, I'm sure he would either try to end things himself or just get Guy 1 mad at both of us.

As far as Guy 2 is concerned, I'm sure this is also adding to the stress there, as you've stated; since I can't really say to my brother what's really going on with Guy 1. It's not always awkward with Guy 2; but it definitely gets weird when he's nice with me around my brother. The gift thing that happened was really embarrassing - the whole band was there and I didn't really know what to do.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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Heather
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So, sounds like you and your brother have some things to work out in your relationship, regardless, eh?

have you ever talked to him about trying to find a balance between his being an ally and support for you and....well, being a romantic Gestappo?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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copper86
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We might have some issues to work out in that respect; but overall, my brother and I are really close friends. Since he has tried before to stop me from seeing Guy 1 (two summers ago), perhaps I should set limits on when he needs to protect me and when he doesn't. I usually don't mind him looking out for me; but when he kind of went looking for us one time (after I had explicitly promised that if I need him, I would call him), I was quite miffed.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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copper86
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To answer Robin Lee's question in my other topic, "Fingering and Pill," if either or both families found out about the relationship, it would surely cause enormous trouble for both of us. I don't want to get into the details of why that would happen (I still feel nervous even posting about this under a vague username); but both families know one another well and are religious, and I know for a fact that his family would end up hating me. Or, they would get mad at him; though as far as I see it, we are both involved and it is not just one person's "fault," as they would probably put it.

I think if my own family found out (not his), it would be less of a catastrophe - but still a pretty big one. As I've said earlier, my brother dislikes him very much; and I would not appreciate them passing judgement on him or me for our choices. I am an adult and I still think my family babies me sometimes; thinking I am innocent and naive about certain things. It may be because I came home a lot from university on weekends or because I never did anything rebellious or bad throughout my life; so I'm also still trying to be the "good girl," but still have this secret life that I know would hurt my parents if they found out.

My brother was aware that I was seeing Guy 1 at some point and had expressed his anger at that; but since a year has passed I don't think he thinks I speak to him anymore. We have a trusting relationship despite this and he never told my parents about it. But if they found out (and my parents are conservative), they would be mortified and I don't think they would trust me ever again, or as much.

Since I've been aware of the dangers of this for a long time - and since I'm a paranoid, worry-prone person - I have imagined all kinds of scenarios regarding this. And I am also aware that many responses would simply be to maybe think twice before seeing him; but I really don't want to do that. I really like him a lot and enjoy hanging out with him. I feel validated and affirmed in a way I've never felt before. That may sound stupid; but he makes me feel like a woman and that I'm desirable - and I've never felt that highly of myself. That is not to say that I am only in this because it benefits me... I love pleasing him and making him happy. And I still feel that I should be able to make my own choices regarding who I want to be with without worrying about outside factors... I don't know if that is selfish or not to say, though.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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WesLuck
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I don't think so. It is a bummer when people can't just let us be who we are. Acceptance of those we care about, or who care about us, goes a long way.

[ 05-23-2012, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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copper86
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Thank you so much! That does make me feel better. I'm obsessed with pleasing those who care about me or who think highly of me. I hate deceiving people; and I feel guilty sometimes, but I still feel like this is my own life and my private life should not be of anyone else's concern. That probably sounds harsh, but I truly feel like this is between God, my partner and myself.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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