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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend's Mother

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Author Topic: Boyfriend's Mother
Cupcakes and Coffee
Member # 95746

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Hey, everyone. Just need some outside advice/opinions, if you all wouldn't mind. I am dating a guy in his very early thirties, and we've been together for what was a year last month. I love him very much, and I can tell he loves me. The problem is I find myself getting a little annoyed by his mom more and more. Don't get me wrong-I love her, and she treats me well. I am happy for that. The thing is I feel like our privacy together is very limited, especially lately. We don't really get to see each other a lot because I was busy with college before summer break just recently, and because he works. The weekends are when we can spend time together. Well, every Saturday his mother comes over to spend time with him, and she will stay until 12-1 AM. I don't stay overnight because he is living with a family member right now, and that's probably a little weird for me to spend the night. Anyway, the point is it's not like I can spend time with him after she leaves.

When she is not with him (on the off chance that I can see him on another day), they will text back and forth, or he will always be looking at his phone playing games with her on Facebook when he is supposed to be spending time with me. I used to find it only slightly annoying, but it seems like it's getting increasingly frustrating. She sees him other days of the week. They go shopping together, she takes him to work, etc. It's not at all like they don't see each other. I could be wrong, but I think they see each other almost every day.

I may be being selfish-and I do feel like I am being selfish-but all I want is to go there some weekend and be able to truly spend time with him, not with his mom, or watching him play games with her on his cell phone. I love spending time with all of us together, but I am starting to feel like a sibling more than a girlfriend. I love that he treats his mother well, and I am happy for their close relationship. I am sure that shows he will be a great family-oriented man, which is what I want in a potential future husband. I also respect the mother-son bond, and I understand that blood is thicker than water.

I am not trying to replace his mom. I guess I just wish he would value me too, and our time together. He claims he wants a serious relationship with me. How are we to get married and have children if he will not start putting me in the limelight a little bit? Now, here is the real problem. I've mentioned something along the lines of this to him before a long time ago, and he got defensive and claimed I didn't want him seeing his family. I felt horrible, and never mentioned it ever since. I just keep it to myself. I've told my mom, and she agrees with me that it's ridiculous and unfair to me. This is coming from a mom whom I consider myself to be very close to! My mom is my best friend, and we hang out too, but she respects the fact that I want to spend time with my boyfriend. I just don't know what to do. People say mama's boys will always be mama's boys and there's nothing you can do but put up with it or leave. I don't want to leave. I love him. I would not break up with him over this. I just wish there was a way I could have him understand where I'm coming from without seeming demanding, selfish, or jealous of their relationship.

Sorry for the length of this post, and thanks for reading this.

[ 05-06-2012, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: Cupcakes and Coffee ]

Posts: 1 | From: USA | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 95710

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I know you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feelings or get him upset with you; but you could always try being honest with him in a delicate way. This is a very hard technique (I've tried it and it's tough); but if something happens that he becomes defensive once more, you could respond calmly and rationally and explain yourself. That might douse down any potential negative reactions from both of you.

I understand that this is a tense situation. I don't think you're being selfish at all: time with your loved ones is important; and it seems like your boyfriend's mother is sort of monopolizing his time. One other non-confrontational idea would be to have alone time with him without the use of your cell phones. When you're with him, you could always say something like, "I've had such a rough day - my phone keeps going off, and it's driving me crazy! How about we just turn our phones off and watch a movie for a while?"

I wish you the best! It sounds like he does love you a lot; so I wouldn't worry about him not valuing you. Good luck!

"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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