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Author Topic: Should I try to win his heart again? Please help...
misscardew
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My beau and I were together for a year, but it was the best year of my whole damn life. We could talk about anything. We became best friends within the first weeks of freshman year with hour long phone calls and late night instant messaging.

But now, I realize how much pain he was going through. I know that I can be a really headstrong person, and while he is calm and collected, I didn't realize that I was hurting him the entire time. I thought we were going through periods of neglect, but it was actually him not knowing what to do.

We still had those times when we were the happiest people in the world and had those "I love you more" fights. We still opened up to each other. We still hung around the same group of friends and went on teenage adventures together. But he still suffered from what he called these "cycles" that went through. These cycles could mean my menstrual cycle and how I can't control myself during those days.

He broke it off the week of state testing, which really hurt me. Three days of nonstop crying and begging to be taken back. During those days I was both sad and very hurt. I said things that I didn't mean. He told me he considered giving me another chance, that he doesn't have his heart on anything, but he feels as though the cycles would return again.

I realize now that I took advantage of a kind and loving boy, and I feel as though I can change back to the girl that swept him off his feet again. He said we could be friends, but it's hard. When we all went out as a group to an ice cream place afterschool, he didn't even look at me.

I want him back because I believe in the idea of us. I'm slowly gathering myself together and fixing what was wrong with me. I want to be the person he fell in love with, and on the day after we broke up, he said that he was waiting for her. I'm writing all of my feelings, the story of us, in a notebook and I'm planning on giving it to him.

I'm restraining myself from talking to him for maybe 2-3 weeks or maybe more, since yesterday didn't go so well. The conversation was half-hearted (I did most of the talking), and I even got upset at him because he didn't add me to his new facebook account (like I said, no control at all). Everytime I asked him about how he was feeling, he never replied.

I now document my mistakes in that notebook, and I want to fix everything not only for him, but for myself. He is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me, the only person I could pour myself to and be understood, the only person that I felt could love me with such a passion. Now that he's away, I finally learned all of this.

So should I continue like this? Should I still try to win heart, because I can't let go of these feelings for him. He said that he's waiting for "her", that he doesn't have his heart set on anything, but he's still distant. Should I go along with my plan with the notebook?

I'm sorry if this was a lot to read... I'm a writer at heart, so I like to articulate my feelings. I'm very, very, very lost right now.

Posts: 9 | From: San Jose, CA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
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Hi, misscardew. I think I write rather a lot myself at times, so this was fine, no worries [Smile]

It sounds like the break was pretty recent - do I have that right? If it was very recent, then I think it's very likely it would be too early, things would be too raw, for there to be a reconciliation right now. He obviously had feelings which caused him to break it off, and whatever the future may hold, it's likely that he needs time to process those feelings and some space for himself.

You talk about "fixing what was wrong" with you as something that you want to do for yourself. I suggest that right now is a time to concentrate on you, to think about what you need, to be good to yourself - as this situation is obviously hard on you - and to think about who you'd like to be, what you really want from life, for You. It sounds like, again, no matter what the future may hold, this relationship needs space right now, so the most constructive thing you can do is you-centred stuff, For you, not for the relationship. I always think it's important for us to remember that we exist as separate and important beings from any relationship we're in - and that applies no matter how much the relationship means to us and how attached to it we are.

I think it might be helpful if I was a bit clearer about what you mean by the "mistakes" you made. Do you feel able to tell us more about the mistakes, or how you hurt him, or what you think is wrong with you? What's different about the person you are now to the person he fell in love with?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Redskies:
Hi, misscardew. I think I write rather a lot myself at times, so this was fine, no worries [Smile]

It sounds like the break was pretty recent - do I have that right? If it was very recent, then I think it's very likely it would be too early, things would be too raw, for there to be a reconciliation right now. He obviously had feelings which caused him to break it off, and whatever the future may hold, it's likely that he needs time to process those feelings and some space for himself.

You talk about "fixing what was wrong" with you as something that you want to do for yourself. I suggest that right now is a time to concentrate on you, to think about what you need, to be good to yourself - as this situation is obviously hard on you - and to think about who you'd like to be, what you really want from life, for You. It sounds like, again, no matter what the future may hold, this relationship needs space right now, so the most constructive thing you can do is you-centred stuff, For you, not for the relationship. I always think it's important for us to remember that we exist as separate and important beings from any relationship we're in - and that applies no matter how much the relationship means to us and how attached to it we are.

I think it might be helpful if I was a bit clearer about what you mean by the "mistakes" you made. Do you feel able to tell us more about the mistakes, or how you hurt him, or what you think is wrong with you? What's different about the person you are now to the person he fell in love with?

Actually, it was just last week, on Tuesday. He said that his feelings were slowly fading away before then, though. I am able to talk about what I did wrong. I hurt him by being so selfish and demanding all of his attention, and I thought that was justified because we rarely saw each other anymore (freshman year, we had one class; sophomore: none). I think I took advantage of him always being there for me and took the real hits to the gut when I blamed him for things he didn't really mean to do (he likes to space out once in a while, or get lost in his music).

The girl he fell in love with was bubbly, silly, and warm, while being very nurturing and wise. I feel as though I could be that person again. I liked that girl a lot more than the selfish, hot-tempered little monster I've become. But it's a matter of getting his trust back.

I feel awful for all that I did to him, because it is sincerely all my fault. None of his. He told his sister this and she even has a grudge against me. And I know I made him happy when we were together when I saved him from a broken heart before, so I hope can do that again.

Also I want to add that after the "Days of Begging and Sobbing", he said, "I don't know what to do anymore to help you out of that rut. I really can't." I think this means that he cares, but he's really tired.

I don't want him to hurt any longer, but I want us to get back together again because that can happen and because I can change back to that person.

And thanks for reading through all of that. I really appreciate someone hearing me out.

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Redskies
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Could you give me some examples of what you think was you being selfish, demanding his attention, taking advantage of him or being hot-tempered? Could you also clarify what you wrote above about cycles - do you mean that you suspect/know that you have a medical or hormonal issue with your menstrual cycle, and if so, what makes you think that? I do understand that this may be hard for you, and I assure you, I'm asking not because I want you to feel bad in any way, but because I think I need to know a bit more about this part of things in order to help you best. I think it's possible that there's more to this than everything simply being your fault and you blaming yourself; and if there is, I think we might be able to identify it and maybe enable you to improve things for yourself in a way that's much more beneficial for you into the future.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Redskies:
Could you give me some examples of what you think was you being selfish, demanding his attention, taking advantage of him or being hot-tempered? Could you also clarify what you wrote above about cycles - do you mean that you suspect/know that you have a medical or hormonal issue with your menstrual cycle, and if so, what makes you think that? I do understand that this may be hard for you, and I assure you, I'm asking not because I want you to feel bad in any way, but because I think I need to know a bit more about this part of things in order to help you best. I think it's possible that there's more to this than everything simply being your fault and you blaming yourself; and if there is, I think we might be able to identify it and maybe enable you to improve things for yourself in a way that's much more beneficial for you into the future.

Actually, I would like to thank you a lot for asking me to pour out everything. I intended to do this soon anyway. I have no problems with sharing my faults on this site, as everyone here is really understanding and thoughtful, and perhaps my story might help others out there.

During lunch or break times, I wanted him to talk to me or sit down with me. I got mad at him if he left me without notice (although, I grew to understand that this was because of geometry, since his teacher holds her students back for tests). I got easily jealous because he had many female friends, and was flirted on by two different classmates. Sometimes I wanted him to surprise me whenever I walked pass his house on the way home (ironically, the bus stop I get off on is right next to his house), but he never did (I think he grew accustomed for waiting for me to OK something). In the beginning of sophomore year, we took the bus together and it was just amazing, but his Mom stopped him from doing so and has someone give him a ride home. Then there was a fall out with the person who gave him a ride so we started taking the bus together temporarily, before he got rides again. This stressed me out, because I just wanted to spend even more time with him. During the three days, I kept saying things like "please take me back", "maybe we shouldn't be friends", "maybe we could be acquaintances", "why did you let the boy that loved me die", "I still love you, and I won't find anyone like you", and the neverending apologies. Last night I got mad at him, saying that I was frustrated because I wanted him to at least treat me like a friend and look me in the eyes. This is me being hot-tempered and not considering his feelings. I never meant to say any of those things. It was just me getting angry and impatient and letting my raw emotions getting the best of me.

I guess not "everything" is my fault, because while he never had the courage to actually rip me to pieces. I'm a stubborn girl, and sometimes I need to be yelled at, but he never actually ripped me apart or taught me a lesson. He did once or twice, but when I started falling back to those bad traits, he never yelled back at me. I guess this is him not wanting to pick fights with me.

I think I might have a medical condition, now that I listed all that I have listed. I might be bipolar, or it might just be me not knowing how to deal with my raging hormones. It's just that during the relationship I had the highest of highs and lowest of lows, but we managed to tough throughout it all because we were just crazy with each other. I convinced myself that at times he was getting bored or getting tired with me (I can be dull or frustrating at times), but most of the time I firmly believed we were in love.

I also managed to get through my first day not speaking to him even though he was online the entire day, and it was really hard. I suppose it's only worth it if he wants to talk, right?

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Redskies
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If he's shown reluctance to talk with you, as you seem to describe, then it's probably better to give it a break, at least just for now. It's still pretty early days since the break, and nearly always, all people involved need a bit of time and space for their own thoughts and feelings.

Just so we can get clear on the menstrual cycle thing, have you or do you observe a pattern where you experience the same/similar moods, feelings or other symptoms on the same days or at the same stage of your cycle?

When you would express to him that you were unhappy, or wanted to spend more time with him, what would that typically look like? How would he respond? Maybe it'd be helpful if you could give examples of what you would each say to each other in a conversation like that.

It seems to me that you're saying that, from your beau's perspective, you've changed in the last year. What's the last year looked like from your perspective? Do you have any thoughts, opinions or feelings that are significantly different to a year ago? Any significant changes in your family life or living environment, or at school? How has the year been for you apart from that relationship?

[ 04-23-2012, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Redskies:
If he's shown reluctance to talk with you, as you seem to describe, then it's probably better to give it a break, at least just for now. It's still pretty early days since the break, and nearly always, all people involved need a bit of time and space for their own thoughts and feelings.

Just so we can get clear on the menstrual cycle thing, have you or do you observe a pattern where you experience the same/similar moods, feelings or other symptoms on the same days or at the same stage of your cycle?

When you would express to him that you were unhappy, or wanted to spend more time with him, what would that typically look like? How would he respond? Maybe it'd be helpful if you could give examples of what you would each say to each other in a conversation like that.

It seems to me that you're saying that, from your beau's perspective, you've changed in the last year. What's the last year looked like from your perspective? Do you have any thoughts, opinions or feelings that are significantly different to a year ago? Any significant changes in your family life or living environment, or at school? How has the year been for you apart from that relationship?

What's really strange is that he started talking to me first today, online at least. He told me that he likes doing homework at night now, which is weird, considering I do homework at night and he usually does it in the afternoon. He also walked with me and my friend, but the thing is that it was the long way to his class. And when me and the same friend were waiting afterschool because I didn't want to leave her yet, he said with a smile, "Surprise." I don't know if he meant to address him never giving surprises.

Maybe I'm reading in to all of this. He walked away in the other direction and I looked back. He turned around to see me looking at him, and I briskly walked away all flustered.

Again, maybe I'm reading too into this. I was trying to do the limited to no contact rule, but he talked to me first and he's been acting differently, so I'm feeling mixed signals. I wonder if he's confusing my self-improvement with me getting over him, because I still do love and care about him.

During my menstrual cycle, I'm definitely a lot more aggressive, to the point that even my headstrong Mom has to step down when talking to me. I snap easily, even at people who weren't really doing anything, because they were doing or acting irritating to me.

If I were unhappy I wouldn't tell him straight away. I would have a fit and not talk to him much, or be distant, and he would be concerned and want to know what was wrong with me. Later I would tell him what was wrong and he would listen to me.

For example:

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"It's never 'nothing' with you. Tell me."
"I'll tell you later."
"Why not now?"
"Because I want to tell you later."
"Well, alright then."

Last year was a whole lot better, in my opinion. It was chill, the classes were easy, and I met him. It was one of the best years of my life. I had my friends close with me, I had the love of my life, I had the easy "advanced" classes.

But now I have really hard classes that I'm even failing one right now. I got irritated at this guy who kept hogging one of my best friends to himself. I had some family issues last December as well, and it took a heavy toll on me and my Mom (she's an only mom). But what kept me going was him and his support, and he was going through a rough patch too. He has family issues as well, and he felt some major guilt for not being there for his dying grandpa.

That's another thing. I think that's when everything started spiraling downhill. I kept talking to him about how disappointed I am with everything lately, how whenever we planned something special, something else would get in the way. His grandpa passed away the week of our anniversary that was supposed to be on that Friday. He was going to be absent for the Thursday and Friday of that week.

As stupid and inconsiderate as I was, I got mad at him, but he snapped that he couldn't do anything about the situation. Later I apologized for all of my reckless and cruel behavior in an anniversary present: a notebook, full of drawings of us and long messages declaring my love and expressing my sorrows and regrets for being so cruel to him. He forgave me for all of that, but I didn't know that his love started dwindling.

But now that he started communicating with me, and that he seems to act normal around friends but has been acting a little strangely today, I think there's going to be some changes to what I was intending to do... Now I don't really know how to proceed now except to keep on feeling better.

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Redskies
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Just to make sure we don't end up talking past one another, the way that I understand people usually talk about it, a person's "menstrual cycle" means the entire thing, all the stages of it, all 28 days (or however many days it is for each individual). The part where someone bleeds is usually called a period, a bleed, or menstruation (or any number of other phrases people use [Smile] ).

So, you're saying that you think you have more, or stronger, mood swings or changeable emotions around the time of your period? Are you on any hormonal contraception? Some people do find that they experience changes in mood before or during their period; some people feel ok about this, and others feel that it's something that's unpleasant and detrimental to them and their life. If this is a concern for you, I'm sure it's something you can ask about on the boards - it's not something I'm knowledgeable about, and I know there are staff/volunteers who know a great deal more. Also, as with any health concern, we have the option of seeking medical advice. Would that be something you'd want to consider?

From what you write, it sounds like you've had a number of challenging things to deal with in the last few months. It's quite reasonable for that to have an effect on anyone, maybe make us a little less able to deal with everyday situations as easily as we'd like, just because we're tired and running low on emotional and mental energy, you know?

I'm wondering if you might be better cutting yourself a bit more slack than it sounds like you have been. You were pretty hard on yourself in your descriptions of yourself, but I'm not seeing anything in what you describe that sounds really terribly selfish or demanding. Or am I way off there?

Instead, what I'm seeing is that perhaps you don't know very well yet how to communicate your needs and wants. What do you think about that? It's perfectly ok, and perfectly reasonable, to have needs and wants of our own. It's ok for you to have wanted to spend time with him, or to feel disappointed if something was different to how you were hoping or expecting. The trick with these things is to be able to communicate what we need and want, truly hear the other person telling us what they need and want and what their limitations are, and then negotiating together how everyone can get what's most important to them. If we can't communicate our needs and wants, what's likely to happen is that we start to feel unhappy, restricted, frustrated or neglected when we don't get them; and the other person is likely to feel unhappy and frustrated, too, when they see that we're unhappy but don't know what the problem is or what they can do.

In your life generally, do you feel like you've been given the message that it's ok to express your needs and wants, and that your needs and wants are important, too? Are you familiar with expressing how you feel and what you need, or is that something that's generally unfamiliar to you?

Why do you think you felt more able to tell him what was wrong later, rather than at the time?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Redskies:
Just to make sure we don't end up talking past one another, the way that I understand people usually talk about it, a person's "menstrual cycle" means the entire thing, all the stages of it, all 28 days (or however many days it is for each individual). The part where someone bleeds is usually called a period, a bleed, or menstruation (or any number of other phrases people use [Smile] ).

So, you're saying that you think you have more, or stronger, mood swings or changeable emotions around the time of your period? Are you on any hormonal contraception? Some people do find that they experience changes in mood before or during their period; some people feel ok about this, and others feel that it's something that's unpleasant and detrimental to them and their life. If this is a concern for you, I'm sure it's something you can ask about on the boards - it's not something I'm knowledgeable about, and I know there are staff/volunteers who know a great deal more. Also, as with any health concern, we have the option of seeking medical advice. Would that be something you'd want to consider?

From what you write, it sounds like you've had a number of challenging things to deal with in the last few months. It's quite reasonable for that to have an effect on anyone, maybe make us a little less able to deal with everyday situations as easily as we'd like, just because we're tired and running low on emotional and mental energy, you know?

I'm wondering if you might be better cutting yourself a bit more slack than it sounds like you have been. You were pretty hard on yourself in your descriptions of yourself, but I'm not seeing anything in what you describe that sounds really terribly selfish or demanding. Or am I way off there?

Instead, what I'm seeing is that perhaps you don't know very well yet how to communicate your needs and wants. What do you think about that? It's perfectly ok, and perfectly reasonable, to have needs and wants of our own. It's ok for you to have wanted to spend time with him, or to feel disappointed if something was different to how you were hoping or expecting. The trick with these things is to be able to communicate what we need and want, truly hear the other person telling us what they need and want and what their limitations are, and then negotiating together how everyone can get what's most important to them. If we can't communicate our needs and wants, what's likely to happen is that we start to feel unhappy, restricted, frustrated or neglected when we don't get them; and the other person is likely to feel unhappy and frustrated, too, when they see that we're unhappy but don't know what the problem is or what they can do.

In your life generally, do you feel like you've been given the message that it's ok to express your needs and wants, and that your needs and wants are important, too? Are you familiar with expressing how you feel and what you need, or is that something that's generally unfamiliar to you?

Why do you think you felt more able to tell him what was wrong later, rather than at the time?

Sorry for being so confusing; I meant to say period. I get especially mood the week before my period comes, and maybe I'll look into getting those contraceptives, but I don't know. Others seem to be able to handle it fine, so maybe I don't really need to seek it out just right now.

Yeah, this year has been very stressful for the both of us. It was really hard to get through everything, and our break up only made things feel worse. I guess I can now say that it was one of the best things that could ever happen to me... the break up, because I now learned his true importance to me.

Well, I guess what it really accounts for his emotional draining is that it continually happened. I wasn't cruel to him 24/7, but I guess it took a toll on him and wore him down. I think what really contributes to the problem, what absolutely was the thing that drove him away, was that I grew dependent on him. I depended on him as my "knight in shining armor", always there for me and protect me.

And I should have known there's a lot of pressure in being called such a title and being depended on for so long.

Like I said before, I thought he was going through cycles of ignoring my wants and needs, but he was really confused and frustrated on what to do next. He told me that it was very "one-sided" and getting very frustrating.

I never really had trouble communicating what I had to say. Being the eldest of my friends, one of the more headstrong as well, I tend to get my point across. I take on the "leader/nurturer" role naturally. When I didn't get my way I stayed quiet, or secretly despised what was going on.

It was just that with him, I treated him differently. I felt as though I were bothering him or putting too much on his plate. That's why I refrained from talking about my problems with him in public, because he got upset when I blew up on him at school. Perhaps I wanted him to find out what was wrong himself, but now I know that nobody is a mind reader no matter how much in love we are with them. When we fought a few hours after it happened and things were a lot more calm, he let me rant first and then he told his side of the event. Usually I caved in to what he said because it was more level-headed.

Now that it has been a week, I feel a lot better. I keep on getting those mixed signals though. I have a feeling that he wants to speak to me, but he's holding back. He went through a lot just to walk with me and our good mutual friend just to walk back a block in the other direction because his ride was waiting for him. I've been waiting for him to contact me, and it seems like he's really reaching out now, but still remaining distant.

A week from the break up, I guess a person in our circle of friends would call me "distant" now, because I've been thinking a lot of what's been happening. Everyone seems to have moved on and they all wish to give me some space because they knew how important and strong our relationship was, and despite that I feel a little lonely in my struggle (except for the people at Scarleteen [Wink] ).

I still want him back because I find myself slowly changing back to that tolerable person with her emotions in check and cheery as ever, despite me feeling a little distant from the others. I still love him tremendously, and I find myself flustered at the mere thought of him. It's as if I have a crush all over again.

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Redskies
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I asked if you were on any hormonal contraception because sometimes, some types of this can cause mood swings in a small minority of people who take them - and in that case, simply switching the brand or type of contraception is usually the answer to solving the problem. For people who aren't on hormonal contraception, for sure, Sometimes a doctor will figure that trying some hormonal contraception might help - but this isn't an automatic answer, ok? If someone wanted help with moods or emotions linked to their menstrual cycle, it would be sound to see a professional and explicitly say that that's what they'd like help for, and not just ask for hormonal contraception.

Just a note, too, to say that just because we think that other people seem to manage something doesn't mean we have to. For a start, the effect on people can range from very mild to (very rarely) severe - and as with any health concern, I wouldn't like to see people with a severe case just have to deal with it simply because people with mild cases were dealing with it! Also, this kind of thing is very personal, and one person might find that the same effects are workable with their life, while someone else might find they're really not. So, this is always a personal decision - and as with anything with our health, if we feel that something's not right, and it's affecting us or our life, then it's totally ok to seek medical opinions if that's something we'd like to do.

I think that I, personally, would draw a difference between "depending on" someone, and "being dependent on" someone. To me, "depend on" means that we know we can trust someone, we know that (usually) they'll do what they've promised or agreed, we know that they're not going to disappear without a word, we know we can ask them for their help. It's ok to depend on someone - in fact, that's probably a healthy part of most relationships. "Being dependent on", I think means hoping that someone else can sort out all of our problems, feeling that we can't manage things without them, looking to them for all the answers. "Being dependent on" is generally not a healthy component of relationships, and especially not romantic-type relationships. If we feel or suspect that we're dependent on someone, then we probably need to consider how we can change that.

Before that relationship, did you feel generally ok with yourself just as an individual? Then, within that relationship, did you still have a sense of yourself as an individual, with a separate being, likes and interests to those shared within the relationship?

You say that you were cruel to him. From what you've written, I can't see anything at all that seems cruel to me, so I confess, I'm feeling a bit lost with that. Could you explain what you mean by "cruel", and what you did that fits that description?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Redskies:
I asked if you were on any hormonal contraception because sometimes, some types of this can cause mood swings in a small minority of people who take them - and in that case, simply switching the brand or type of contraception is usually the answer to solving the problem. For people who aren't on hormonal contraception, for sure, Sometimes a doctor will figure that trying some hormonal contraception might help - but this isn't an automatic answer, ok? If someone wanted help with moods or emotions linked to their menstrual cycle, it would be sound to see a professional and explicitly say that that's what they'd like help for, and not just ask for hormonal contraception.

Just a note, too, to say that just because we think that other people seem to manage something doesn't mean we have to. For a start, the effect on people can range from very mild to (very rarely) severe - and as with any health concern, I wouldn't like to see people with a severe case just have to deal with it simply because people with mild cases were dealing with it! Also, this kind of thing is very personal, and one person might find that the same effects are workable with their life, while someone else might find they're really not. So, this is always a personal decision - and as with anything with our health, if we feel that something's not right, and it's affecting us or our life, then it's totally ok to seek medical opinions if that's something we'd like to do.

I think that I, personally, would draw a difference between "depending on" someone, and "being dependent on" someone. To me, "depend on" means that we know we can trust someone, we know that (usually) they'll do what they've promised or agreed, we know that they're not going to disappear without a word, we know we can ask them for their help. It's ok to depend on someone - in fact, that's probably a healthy part of most relationships. "Being dependent on", I think means hoping that someone else can sort out all of our problems, feeling that we can't manage things without them, looking to them for all the answers. "Being dependent on" is generally not a healthy component of relationships, and especially not romantic-type relationships. If we feel or suspect that we're dependent on someone, then we probably need to consider how we can change that.

Before that relationship, did you feel generally ok with yourself just as an individual? Then, within that relationship, did you still have a sense of yourself as an individual, with a separate being, likes and interests to those shared within the relationship?

You say that you were cruel to him. From what you've written, I can't see anything at all that seems cruel to me, so I confess, I'm feeling a bit lost with that. Could you explain what you mean by "cruel", and what you did that fits that description?

Sorry I didn't reply as quickly as I should have, it's just that I'm going through another relapse. Apparently he's treating me coldly now that I spilled to him that I was willing to wait for him. "Coldly" as in walking in the other direction if I was walking towards him and refusing to make eye contact with me.

He asked others for advice and obviously they said that it's not worth it. But I think I can make it work, it's just getting hard day by day when he refuses to even look at me. Before he told me that he always loved the way my eyes looked, and now he spends all of our time at school chatting it up with our mutual friends and leaving me in the dust.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I still care about him, but now I feel hurt that he wouldn't even trust me with a simple hello. He told me that he still wanted to be friends, but I guess he wants to hurt me further so that I wouldn't feel anything for him anymore.

Our mutual friend that he talks to a lot at school but rarely online told me that whenever he speaks to her it's usually half-hearted online and enthusiastic at school (he's a master at concealing his feelings). He's pushing me away, I know it. I don't know how much of this I can take.

I don't know if I should continue on with my plan to become the person he used to love and concentrate on myself and the possibility of reconciliation or just shove him the hell out of my life.

Before the relationship I was always insecure and I always felt lonely. I'm the only child, and I rarely played with kids outside. But upon meeting him, it was like a brand new experience. I felt loved so tenderly.

I forgot to mention that I was "clingy". He wanted his own space. When his grandfather died, I yelled at him because he wouldn't be there for our anniversary. Yeah, stupidest and cruelest things to say to a person ever.

Posts: 9 | From: San Jose, CA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Whenever we work to change ourselves, first and foremost it's gotta be for us. So the question I would ask you is: regardless of what he says, do you feel you have changed from the person you used to be? If so, do you want to become that person again?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to please someone, with having their impression of us inform how we perceive ourselves, but changes ultimately have to be for ourselves.

I hear that your ex's current behaviour is hurting you. Remember that it's not possible to know how someone is feeling or why he's doing something unless he says so. All you really can know is what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Does that make sense?

--------------------
Robin

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misscardew
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Whenever we work to change ourselves, first and foremost it's gotta be for us. So the question I would ask you is: regardless of what he says, do you feel you have changed from the person you used to be? If so, do you want to become that person again?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to please someone, with having their impression of us inform how we perceive ourselves, but changes ultimately have to be for ourselves.

I hear that your ex's current behaviour is hurting you. Remember that it's not possible to know how someone is feeling or why he's doing something unless he says so. All you really can know is what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Does that make sense?

This change is for myself. I don't think anybody should have dealt with the person I was during the latter months of the relationship with all of the stress changing me from that cheery person that I was.

As for my ex... I guess you're right. Even though he rarely ever talks to me, it just makes me happy to be in the same room as him. He was never any good at expressing his feelings, but I guess that the fact that he's still in our group of friends and he's willing to stand beside me says something, right?

He made it clear to me before when I was sobbing during the three days after the breakup. "If I didn't care, I wouldn't be even around you. I have lots of other friends too."

As unhealthy or useless as it may sound, I'm willing to wait for him. My only hope is in the belief that time heals all wounds and that maybe he'll trust me as a friend soon enough, and then maybe as something more.

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misscardew
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Okay Scarleteen, I need some more advice.

Apparently he confessed to me now that all he wanted was not space, but for me to bug him non stop by hugging him and talking to him. But the problem is that he broke up with me on the grounds that I was selfish and never gave him any space and put too much pressure on him.

I think he's somebody that doesn't know what he wants. I feel shocked and hurt but I can't help but think that because he doesn't know what he wants he's acting this irrational way.

Can I have some more advice, please?

Posts: 9 | From: San Jose, CA | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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