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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » recently broken up

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Author Topic: recently broken up
Meryl Anne
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Member # 93859

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I've posted about my last relationship here months ago. After months of back and forth and one last attempt to make things work, we both decided to break up. Eight days have passed since then.

I've avoided contacting him (only doing so to tell him to stop contacting me), avoided looking him up on the internet, reconnected with old friends, bonded with family, looked into new interests and activities, and tackled old self-esteem issues rooting from being bullied as a child. I think it has been working great. Most of the time when negative thoughts come up, I work hard to challenge them and have so far been successful. Today however, I feel stuck on him and have difficulty thinking or talking my way out of it.

When we broke up, we were still in love with each other. During our final conversation, most probably due to the heat of the moment, he told me he was hoping we could get back together. I didn't say no to it, but I didn't say yes either. I just wanted us to keep our minds on moving on from all of this and hoped the answer to whether we should get back together lies at the end of this healing journey. In spite of this, recently, I've been stressed out imagining how things would play out if he did ask to get back together again. I feel torn and cannot stand feeling torn. I know I need to let him go but I'm finding it hard to. How do I do it? Do I just get busy until I forget? What if he calls me before all my feelings for him are gone?

All I want right now is never to go back to that situation ever again, and to be able to move forward and enjoy life completely, with no negative feelings holding me back. Help?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, eight days is a very short period of time, so, I'd not expect anyone to be outside grief over a loss so soon. And this was a loss for you.

We don't need to stop feeling something for someone to make sound choices. Sometimes we will love or strongly like someone but know a certain relationship with them isn't good for us, them, or is a dead-end in various ways. So, I don't think your feelings have to change for you to stick with your own best choice here and with what you want to do.

I'd also give yourself more time here. Grieve as you need to. Sure, do things that make you feel good, too, and don't keep you stuck on this 24/7, but you will need to process it, just trying to shove it all away or move right on isn't likely to get you truly moved on, you know?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meryl Anne
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I agree; 8 days is a short time and I should be more patient. I guess the pain is just so unbearable sometimes. The unknown is so scary.

Is it bad to think that possibly later in life, we could have a chance if we tried hard enough? What should be my mindset? And what is meant by processing?

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Heather
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I don't think thoughts are ever bad, period. Thoughts aren't actions, and we can have them and hold on to them or have them and let go of them. We also don't have much control over them, so for the most part, I don't see any reason not to just let ourselves have our thoughts, you know?

When I say process, I mean work through. Work through your painful feelings, let them be what they are, experience them and the thoughts and feelings they bring up, and sort them out as that feels right.

I agree, the unknown can be really scary, even if and when what's familiar isn't or wasn't so great. But don't forget that the unknown really can hold ANYTHING in it, and that includes all the wonderful things that could have or be, not just the yucky things.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meryl Anne
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I gave myself a bit of private time today. It actually felt great to have time just to feel sad without pressure.

Your insight about the positive side of the unknown had never really occurred to me. Thanks! I'll keep your advice in mind [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so glad you made that time and space for yourself. Just letting ourselves feel our feelings tends to be much more helpful than trying to lock them up and keep them away. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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WesLuck
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Me too. [Smile] I agree with this.

Btw: an aside - I wasn't going to edit a Scarleteen post I did for a change, then I realised this was my 200th post! And hopefully not too many filler posts in all that. [Wink] (And most definitely I do not count positive, supportive short comments like the above as fillers. [Smile] )

Btw: Heather, is it possible to delete old posts accidentally posted in the Expert Advice Section and have it update the post count? I have one in this thread:

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/27/t/027215.html

I did notice however that either the post count takes a while to update for all the threads... edited to:

Actually, when does the post count update? I'm not sure if the browser mode I'm using actually uses a page cache...

[ 04-13-2012, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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