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Author Topic: Advice
Roxie102
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Back in October, my partner and I had a little scuffle and took a break for a few weeks. He'd basically told me he was planning on breaking up with me sometime this summer before I went to college, he just didn't want me to go to prom alone, spend the summer alone, etc. We talked about that, and I told him how I was very displeased that he was essentially lying to me about being happy in the relationship and all, and eventually, he got over that and was happy again, glad to be dating me. He even bought me a really nice necklace for Christmas, the best gift he's ever given me.

Fast forward to now, and he's acting a little odd again. The thing is, this could very well be attributed to stress since he's been busy with school and sports, but I still feel like I'm entitled to know the truth. I don't want to break up with him, I just want to ask him this - "You know, back in October, you mentioned wanting to break up with me before I started college. Just so I know where we're headed, are you still planning on doing that or are you happy with this relationship and want to keep with it?" - Is this an okay thing to ask? I don't want to start a fight, I just want to know the truth. There's no use in him playing with me and faking his feelings just to try and make me happy and then eventually dump me seemingly out of the blue. I'd rather know what we're headed for and spend these next few months accordingly. I'm not "done" with this relationship, I just don't want him staying with me if he's unhappy and not fully committed.

Any advice as to what I should do? I kind of don't want to bring this up because prom is in about 3 weeks, but it's just been bothering me so much lately, and plus, soon after that is his birthday and I've already gotten him a present. I feel like if I don't do something soon though, it may just continue on like this with us saying, "Oh, we'll deal with this after so and so is over," which is of course pretty aggravating.

The only reason I'm afraid of doing this is because last time I tried broaching a subject like this, it blew up in my face with us both crying and wailing and blaming each other. I really don't need that to happen again, especially not right now. I was even hoping to have intercourse with him for the first time this summer, but now I'm wondering if that's even a viable thing right now.

[ 03-22-2012, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think that not only is absolutely an okay thing to ask, it sounds to me like that kind of check-in between you is pretty overdue.

So, I get worrying about bringing this up now because of things you want soon -- to go to prom together, to maybe begin a sexual relationship that includes intercourse -- but at the same time, in intimate relationships, we should be able to have these talks, and should be having them when we don't know where we or someone else stands. They're important. More important, I'd say, than having a prom be exactly as you pictured it or having a given kind of sex with someone at some point, especially if everyone is NOT good with everything, which would at least make that second thing a potentially bad choice for everyone involved.

In other words, I think this is one of those things where you have to prioritize. I'd say that potentially going to a prom alone or with friends isn't such a big deal, and is a much smaller deal than someone sticking in something they're not happy with or don't feel good about, or a breakdown of communication, so there's a prom date, you know? (I couldn't find a way to say that that didn't sound dismissive, but know it's not, nor did I intend to dismiss your desire to have prom be something that involves both of you together.)

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Roxie102
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I see what you're saying. I'm going to try to make it as harmless as possible to try and avoid a fight because we have some plans in the summer that I do know he's looking forward to as well. I'm not looking to end things right now, I just want to know if he's winding down and almost ready to end things or if he's indeed just stressed but is still happy.

This has been bothering me all day, and we probably won't be able to talk tonight because he has a soccer game, but I'll be sure to bring it up when we do. I just fear the worst, even though it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll lose him right this very moment. Back in October we'd agreed to just not talk about it for a while and chill out, so I really just have no clue where he stands right now. He'll say conflicting things sometimes.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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So you've decided to talk to him about it soon? That's good because it really does sound like you really need to figure out where he stands on this. Before you have that talk, it may help to define for yourself where you stand specifically, if you haven't already.

And even if, at the end of this, you two determine that you won't be staying together, that doesn't mean that things need to get broken off right away. By all means, it will certainly be a lot easier to get to wherever it is that you are going with this relationship, once you figure out where that is.

I hope the talk with your boyfriend goes well.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Roxie102
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Thanks, Moonlight. [Smile] The talk went better than I'd anticipated. Basically I told him I had a question to ask, but I was afraid to ask it. He told me that it was okay, to go ahead. So I asked him, "You told me once before that you thought about breaking up with me sometime in the summer because you weren't feeling it anymore. Are you still planning to do that? I'm really just wondering because it's been bothering me for a while."

He told me, "I'm not planning anything. We're taking this a day at a time. If we end up breaking it off for a while while you get established in college, we'll still be in touch, but really, we'll just see how it goes." That was really comforting, and that's probably almost exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. I'm not sure if I'm going to need that time to get situated once college starts, but it's great to know that even if I do, he'll still be there, and no matter what (save for unforeseen circumstances), we'll still be friends.

Thanks again, guys. I feel really good about this. [Smile]

[ 03-23-2012, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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