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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » HELP!! I just need to talk to someone and make sure everything is okay :)

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Author Topic: HELP!! I just need to talk to someone and make sure everything is okay :)
NancyC
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Member # 94601

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I have some questions about my relationship that are making me really anxious.
Posts: 6 | From: chula vista | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You got it: why don't you start by filling us in. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NancyC
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Thank you for replying! Let me start by saying that I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and this is my first serious/long term relationship. A couple of months ago I went through a small depression which I think triggered me to get over the whole honeymoon stage with my boyfriend. At first, it really freaked me out because I'm normally a very paranoid person so I started thinking that I was getting over him when that was the last thing I wanted to ever do. I began to realize that I didn't want to be texting him all the time like before, many of the "cute" things he said to me were still cute, but didn't make me get chills all over my body or a lump in my throat like they used to and I feel more comfortable with the fact that he knows how I feel about him and I know how he feels about me too so I didn't feel the need to repeat it or hear it every second. I came to terms with this and realized what was happening but lately I began to get these horrible thoughts again. I am worried that since I'm getting these thoughts, I subconsciously dont want to be with him or it isn't "meant to be." I constantly find myself thinking things like "Oh I felt the urge to kiss him so that must mean I still love him." Sort of like trying to prove it to myself even though I want to be with him. My parents were divorced at a very young age and my life hasn't been all that stable ever since. I feel that maybe this is the reason why I am so scared that what I have with him may not be permanent since nothing in my life really has been and I want it to be so badly. It makes me feel even worse that he doesn't have the tiniest doubt of our relationship and I have all of these. I just want to get rid of these thoughts but its like being told not to think about penguins. I tell myself not to but its all I do. Sorry, aside from venting I just really want to know if my mind is in a normal place and I'd like some advice on how to not take it so hard. Thank you very much.
Posts: 6 | From: chula vista | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay.

First of all, as you probably know logically, nothing in our lives is permanent, even our lives themselves. Most people will have relationships in their lives, and most people will even have some really good ones. Some will have legendarily great ones. But how long any of those relationships last is all over the place, and not just because those relationships turn sour. Sometimes lives end, people or relationships change and shift, the works. Lots and lots of excellent relationships in people's lives don't last a lifetime, or even years. That, all by itself, doesn't mean they weren't excellent.

So, what you have with this person won't be permanent, since neither of your lives are, and it may well not last decades or even years, either. But how long it lasts or doesn't may not have anything to do with the value and quality of that relationship. Know what I mean?

When a connection or relationship is new, it's typical for it to be more exciting -- in that breathless, dizzy, super-exciting way -- than later on, once we start to settle into it and things start to deepen. That could be what's happening here.

Or, your feelings might be changing, or not going deeper.

To figure out which is really something you need to sort out for yourself: do you have any gut feelings on that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NancyC
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I have a hard time figuring out what my gut says. It's almost like I'm at some sort of war with myself because I feel like if I was really as sure as I thought I was that I wanted to be with him, I wouldn't be having these doubts. I know that over time my love and care for him has changed. I started to care for him more deeply and I guess I'll compare it to the way that I care for my family members. While hanging out with him, I feel like I'm with my best friend (aside from the physical attraction, etc). Even reading what you wrote about relationships not being permanent I kept thinking "Oh no, the ugly reality. I WANT us to be permanent!" However, I do understand what you mean by that. I just have a really hard time figuring out what my gut tells me because of all of these crazy thoughts. At the end of the day, I don't want to break up with him and I don't want anybody else. Hell, there was this boy I liked soooo much back in high school who suddenly is everywhere that I am and he's always asking me to hang out and talking to me and I don't feel the slightest temptation to do so. I even get annoyed when I see him around. I don't think I have much doubt in my heart or mind that I do love him. It just worries me that these thoughts may mean that this isn't meant to be.
Posts: 6 | From: chula vista | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I disagree that even in great relationships we want, people don't have doubts sometimes. We're thinking beings: questioning things is part of being alive.

I think there's this idea out there, especially with things like romance books or movies, then when something is right, no one EVER doubts or questions, because it's just that super-shiny perfect. But that idea just doesn't square well with real life and relationships in real life.

It's also very normal for the friendship part of sexual or romantic relationships to develop more as they go on, and for the uber-lusty stuff to take center stage less.

I personally don't really think relationships are about what's "meant to be." Relationships are things we choose and make with other people, and whether they're right for us or not isn't about fate, it's about us and our lives.

It kind of sounds to me like you might be trying to come to some sort of definitive answer right now that doesn't make a lot of sense, especially when a relationship still is pretty darn new and we're just starting to grow it. What I hear from you sounds more like some growing pains in it than anything else, and feeling out the transitions as this has been developing over time.

I think maybe the question to ask right now is "Do you want to keep exploring this as it's transitioning into a relationship that isn't how relationships can tend to be when they're brand new?" It sounds like you do, but might just feel uncomfortable in this space, but it's probably best for you to answer that yourself. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NancyC
Neophyte
Member # 94601

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Yes that actually helps more than anything that I've read before. I've never been comfortable with transitioning or that uncertain middle part of situations. I like being in control and knowing what is going on. I can say that I'm willing to get over this rough patch and I do have hope that after this, I'll have something not very many people I know have.
Thank you, Heather. Your help is really really appreciated and I also wanted to say that I think that this whole website is amazing. All of the help here is so straightforward and honest and everything is real. I wish to be part of something like this some day [Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: chula vista | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, if it helps to hear something personal, too, in my early 20s, I had the HARDEST time figuring out when I was just done with something and when it had just gotten mellow or comfortable. I mistook things getting mellow for me not feeling a thing a few times, and once I realized I had (and left those relationship), it really sucked.

I mean, it was okay, it was how I figured some of that out, but I figured it out in a pretty messy way.

It sounds to me like you have identified just feeling totally done in the past, so you have a sense of what that feels like, and this doesn't feel like that. So, if you're not pretty sure 'done" is how you're feeling, and this is a relationship that's been really great, and one you want that seems to still really fit you, I'd suggest going with what it sounds like you want to do and sticking with it for now.

And really, this is the good part of everything being impermanent: you get to see how things go as they go, and if later on, it turns out you DO feel done, or find out that is what these feelings have been, you get to make a different choice. [Smile]

And you're so welcome! Glad to be of help. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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