This is my first relationship. I finally asked out a friend of mine that I've liked for a long time. He kissed me, and tried to make out with me, but for some reason that I can't explain, I sort of freaked out, and had almost what I'd describe as an anxiety attack. Part of it was because I had no idea what I was doing, and I'm generally an extremely awkward person to begin with.... I sort of expected some degree of awkwardness because of my inexperience, but as soon as he left, I seriously felt like I was about to cry, at the same time that I was happy. I just don't understand this, because I really, really do like this guy, more than anyone... He's been really cool about it since then. I told him that I'd never kissed anyone, and he said he'd take it slow and everything. But its been a while since then, and I feel like the relationship should be moving forward, and part of me wants to... but even when we're watching a movie and he puts his arm around me, I get a little tense. I just don't understand it, because I trust him and everything. I should probably discuss it with him, but I don't want to freak him out or anything.... writing this out has sort of helped me relax a bit, I think..... But, has anyone experienced this and can help? Because I really need to figure this out, for the sake of this relationship, and any in the future......
It's always ok if we don't feel ready for any particular or all kinds of sexual or physical intimacy. If this is new to us, it can feel pretty scary or overwhelming. We can take as much time as we need to feel comfortable - there's no time limits. Different people need different amounts of time, too. A relationship should be something that adds to our life in a positive way, so we should only do things that we feel comfortable with.
How long has this relationship been going? Is this a person who you feel respects your opinions and treats you as an equal, doesn't ask you to do or suggest things generally you've said you'd rather not, and who treats you with respect and kindness?
When he puts his arm around you and you get tense, do you think that you get tense because you're uncomfortable with the arm around you, or because you're worried about what might happen next, or about what he might expect to happen, or about what you expect of yourself or what you think you "should" do, or something else?
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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It looks like you're getting excellent advice, so I just wanted to chip in in case it helps to say that I've experienced something very like this. I had a big panicky episode once just a week or so after getting together with someone I cared about a lot, and still do. I was afraid that it was a sign that I was losing interest in him (already? after waiting all this time? ), which I'm sure can happen, but in my case the fear was unfounded. How I dealt with it was I wrote him a long email explaining how I felt (panicky, sad, confused) and that I didn't really understand the feelings yet, but that I'd like if we could step back all non-platonic physical contact for a while and spend time together just the two of us without kissing, holding hands etc. He responded and said that of course that was fine and it sounded like a good idea anyway. In practise what happened was that we followed that plan for a short while, and then for a longer period he mostly left it to me to initiate those things, if and when I felt comfortable with them. After a couple of weeks, I was amazed to find that the anxiety had completely faded away, and I told him so, and then things returned to an equal footing (though of course any person can always veto any kind of touching if they aren't feeling it for any reason). I had expected it to take much longer. I still don't totally understand what happened but I think it was a reaction to the strangeness of going from 0 romantic touching to all the romantic touching all the time, and losing my sense of what I wanted to do and when as a result. But I got it back!
I don't know how close any of that is to what's happening or will happen with you, of course, but I thought sharing might be reassuring. I don't want to interfere with the advice you're already getting by offering more, but if you have any questions, fire away .
Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2012
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