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Author Topic: painful reality
flubby
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Member # 94635

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hi. i'm new here so i'm not really sure if someone has the same topic as this. i'm sorry if there is one and i think this may sound stupid.

so there's this girl that i think i like and she is straight (i think). well, i don't actually understand the difference between infatuation and actually liking/loving someone, so i'm not exactly sure yet if this is just an infatuation.

i realized i have some feelings for her last month (so not that long ago), but i have actually been staring at her, like a creep i am, in the hallways ever since i first saw her back in september.

she's straight. well i think she is. here is why i think she is. so there's this conference that we're going to and there was an application for it. she told me that she has no idea what to write on it because she's not really questioning her sexuality. you might say that "oh maybe she's sure that she's lesbian/bi/fill in the blanks", but i'm not done. there are workshops in that conference and one of which is about how to be a good ally. she wants to do that workshop. an ally and not questioning. so i'm pretty sure she's straight. and that pains me in a way. i mean i anticipated this, but it still hurts though.

however, she's giving me weird signals. i may be overthinking these things that she does though. anyway, she says things like, "think of me", if i'm feeling down or anxious or nervous. yeah i'm overthinking it. she's probably just being nice and she doesn't mean it the way that i think she means it.

i don't quite know if these feelings are going to go away if i give it some time. i actually hope it won't because this kind of serves as a distraction from all my suicidal and self harm thougths. i'm not quite sure what to do here, and i don't really want to act on this. i know what the outcome is going to be if i tell her. she won't return my feelings and we'll be awkward around each other for as long as i live. i don't want to do any stupid things that are going to make me suffer some serious consequences, and yet there's this some sort of energy inside me waiting to just burst.

thank you for your time!

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eryn_smiles
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Hi flubby [Smile] I think it's pretty difficult to interpret from guessing, hinting and signals how someone might feel about you. What do you think about hanging out with her more as a friend and maybe talking to her about your feelings when you're more comfortable around her? This conference sounds really interesting too and could be a good opportunity to talk about your sexuality with her if you feel ready. It certainly sounds like she isn't homophobic, which is a promising start!

By the way, I'm sorry you've been having suicidal and self-harm thoughts in the past. Can I ask what kind of help you've had with that? You also sound quite self-critical in this post and I hope you're able to work on being more gentle with yourself. All of us have crushes and feelings for people sometimes, it doesn't make us creepy or stupid, it makes us human [Smile] .

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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WesLuck
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My best wishes too! [Smile] Be kind to yourself as much as you can! [Smile]
Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
flubby
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Member # 94635

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hey eryn and wesluck! thank you for replying >_<

quote:
Originally posted by eryn_smiles:
What do you think about hanging out with her more as a friend and maybe talking to her about your feelings when you're more comfortable around her?

i've actually tried asking her out to the movies or something, but she repeatedly rejected my offers partially because she hates horror movies. and i'm actually a REALLY awkward person and i don't think i'll be able to actually keep the conversation going unless i'm really comfortable around her. we have two classes together and we don't talk at all on the way to our classes. well we do, but the conversation dies out quickly maybe because we're struggling to fight our way to our classes. (we're both short; i think we'd make a cute couple.) nevertheless, we barely talk. i tried calling her; convo lasted for about 10 minutes. we text each other though. well we text when i text first and she usually replies an hour later. i don't know. i might try asking her to go to the mall or something BUT with company so she (and i) won't feel uncomfortable. should i do that? i don't know if i should do that.

quote:
This conference sounds really interesting too and could be a good opportunity to talk about your sexuality with her if you feel ready. It certainly sounds like she isn't homophobic, which is a promising start!
yeah i feel that the day of the conference will be something like a "coming out day". i'll just see if she's comfortable around the LGBTQ community during the conference then i'll..go from there i suppose. right? should i do that? i honestly don't know what the "right" thing to do or if that right thing even exists.

quote:
By the way, I'm sorry you've been having suicidal and self-harm thoughts in the past. Can I ask what kind of help you've had with that? You also sound quite self-critical in this post and I hope you're able to work on being more gentle with yourself. All of us have crushes and feelings for people sometimes, it doesn't make us creepy or stupid, it makes us human [Smile] .
well i still have those thoughts but not as frequent as before. i go to a youth centre that offers informal and formal counselling, and i often see my school counsellors. i also went to see a psychiatrist but he just told me to get a life. well, he said, "your social life is very restricted."

quote:
Originally posted by WesLuck:

My best wishes too! [Smile] Be kind to yourself as much as you can! [Smile]

it's really hard for me to think positive or to be positive, but thank you!

thank you for your time!

[ 02-13-2012, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: flubby ]

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eryn_smiles
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Member # 35643

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I think it's really brave that you tried asking her out [Smile] good on you! I think that asking her to the mall (or to anything other than horror movies [Razz] ) sounds like a great idea. As you say, sometimes hanging out with a group of people can make conversations easier. Same with hanging out together at the conference and seeing how she feels around LGBT issues and people.

I don't think a "right" thing to do ever exists, by the way. Often, life involves a bit of trial and error, as well as taking risks. Sometimes people share our attractions and feelings, which is awesome. But sometimes they don't- we all experience that from time to time, and that's ok too.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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