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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » roommate issues

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Author Topic: roommate issues
Member # 94437

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If someone reads this and has any advice, I'd be really grateful. I guess I've been having a lot of problems with my living situation, and this weekend it definitely got worse.

Last semester I felt down becuase I felt like I was constatnly being left out by two of my three roomates (I'll call them A and B). I would come home and no one would say hi or ask me how my day was, and it really brought me down. I also was constantly feeling like I was being criticized by A because we were partners for fostering a service dog, and for some reason she frequently pointed out things I was doing wrong. These things made me really upset, and when I tried to talk to them about feeling left out and attacked, they told me that it was all in my head and recommended that I seek out therapy to help myslef feel better, which I did.

Things were going relatively okay this semester--or at least I thought they were--until my roommates and I needed to renew our lease for next semester. There was all kinds of confusuion since one of my roommates is graduating and our apartment has to have 4 people or we have to pay for the fourth spot. My roommates and I talked about it the night before the lease renewal was due and came up with a potential fourth person. One roommate agreed to talk to her, and said she would let us know what she said.

The next day I didn't hear from either of my roommates, so I assumed that they we weren't renwing and I went along with my day, which meant staying after class to attend a meeting. I was sitting in the hallway with my boyfriend who was visiting for the day and a friend from work, when they came up to me, fairly irritated that I hadn't picked up my phone and were borderline yelling at me about the lease renewal. Their attitude upset me. I signed the paper, and I didn't look at them when they left to drop it off wherever it needed to go.

After my meeting, my boyfriend and I walked back to my apartment, and I decided that I would just let the whole thing go. I sat down with them and was nice--or at least I thought I was being nice. B left and I apologized to A for getting upset, but I told her that she should have let me know sooner that the form needed to be signed. I asked her if we could forget about the whole thing. However, the whole night A and B froze me out. When I appraoched A and asked if she was still angry and if she has forgiven me, she said yes but kept looking at the TV and her phone while I was trying to talk to her. Basically, I exploded on her after that saying it wasn't fair that she wouldn't forgive me and that she wasn't treating me with kindness or respect. I went back to my room crying, and my boyfriend--without asking me--went to talk to A and apparently told her that I was tying and that she should cut me some slack. Later that night I also apologized to B.

The next day A, B, and I talked about what happened the day before. They told me that were just in a rush, and that I had misread their actions as anger. They went on to say that no one can ever tell me I'm wrong without me getting upset and that I'm not left out of things. They say they have to walk on eggshells not to make me mad, and that it's stifling to have to live with me. Apparently, they've felt like this for a year plus and didn't tell me. They also said that they just happen to agree on the situation because they see things the same way, and that it was completely inappropraite that my boyfriend said anything to A. I appologized, and I begged them to meet me halfway and apologize too, but they wouldn't.

I feel like I don't know what to do anymore, like they just don't like a huge part of my personality, and I don't know how to fix it. They get mad at me when I'm upset, but letting things go and apologizing doesn't seem to work either. I feel like I'm not wanted I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just really needed to let it all out. Please, if you have any advice, let me know. I just feel so alone.

Posts: 1 | From: Ohio | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone, this sounds like a really rough situation! I'm wondering whether you still really want to be living with A and B and to renew this lease? I don't think it's helpful that they apparently kept their feelings to themselves for an entire year or longer. It sounds quite manipulative to me. Would you perhaps be happier living with other people? If I were in this situation and I did really want to make it work with these two, I may talk with my therapist about trying out different strategies on managing conflict with them. How does that sound?

As well, have you talked with your boyfriend separately about what happened with A?

[ 02-08-2012, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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