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Author Topic: Old Feelings
SilverLining
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I have a big problem...

Last July I moved from an island and my current ex-girlfriend to a new island because of my dad's job. My ex-girlfriend thought that I was cheating on her and broke up with me last year of October 31st...I was deeply in love with this girl and was definitely not cheating on her, but no matter what I said to try to convince her, she didn't want to talk to me anymore and still refuses to talk to me now...

After that happened, I met this new girl around my birthday and we had started getting close with each other, she told me about all these things that she's been through and it was all really personal. She started to like me and eventually she said that she was in love with me, and me, being 16 and really being to consumed with whatever-goes-through-my-head said that I loved her too when I was still deeply attached to my ex although we hadn't talked for over a month now. Although this was in the back of my head every now and then, me and her started dating...

Right now, this same girl just moved away for a year to go to University and study, just today actually she's left, and I can't help but still feel that old pull to my ex rather than to girlfriend.

I do care deeply about my girlfriend right now. I love her to bits, but it always seems that I'm brought back to thinking of my ex and wishing that she would listen to me and take me back...

I'm...afraid that I'm going to hurt my girlfriend with this eventually and I don't want that. Do you think that it might just be because I had been together longer with my ex? Me and her had been together for a year and a half and me and my current girlfriend have only dated for 2 months...and now she's gone for a year.


I don't know what to do really... I don't want to hurt anyone and I still feel heartbroken when I think of my ex...

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SilverLining

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Hi Silverlining, sorry this post was missed!

It sounds to me that you aren't really ready for another relationship so soon after your last. Healing from a break-up takes time; time to reflect, and to heal.

It also sounds like this relationship with your new partner moved a little too fast for you. Does that sound about right?

I think the key here is what's best for yourself right now, rather than hurting others, as feelings can change on their own - even without exes in the mix. However, love takes time and effort - it's not something we just feel - it's something that grows when two people take care of each other. So, it might be less to do with people accidently being untruthful - and more to do with the way you're both conceptualising love. Here's more on love: Love Letter.

Perhaps you'd benefit from some time without an exclusive romantic relationship to heal from your break up with your ex?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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SilverLining
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Thanks for the reply.

It sounds about right...me and my ex were extremely close so i guess I should have given it some more time, thanks for the advice, I'm gonna read the link now.

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SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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No problem, I hope that link works for you.

We're here if you'd like any support or would just like someone to listen. Feel free to bump a topic if it's been more than 48 hours without a reply. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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SilverLining
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Sure.

Reading over some of the link, I think I really am in love with my new girlfriend...It's just that I think I still love my ex as well?

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SilverLining 2012

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Saffron Raymie
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Well, feeling 'in love' tends to be more about sexual attraction. Do you you feel sexually attracted to both your current partner and your ex?

Whether we're talking about love (the way we love friends and family etc) or being "in love" (sexual attraction) those feelings will rarely be limited to just one person. However, I think what the bigger issue here is: the lost of your old relationship is still hurting.

So, it might be time to have some time to heal from that hurt, without having another relationship of the exact same type as the one you lost - the one that you're still hurting from. That way, the relationship with your current girlfriend won't feel like a replacement for what you had with your previous girlfriend.

[ 02-04-2012, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
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Not really sexually attracted to my ex...The feeling isn't like that. It's more like...you know that feeling when your talking to someone day-after-day and you both feel like best friends? Then suddenly that communication stops and your left wondering what happened?

It's that kind of feeling, like I'm missing someone in my life. :|

With my current girlfriend it's more like a combination of both, I'm very attracted to her but it isn't as if we're always just fooling around, we'd go out for coffee and just enjoy each other's company too...

I think I'm gonna talk to her about this though, but I have no idea how to tell her that maybe we need a break without having her think that she's done something wrong or anything like that... :S

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SilverLining 2012

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Saffron Raymie
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I know exactly what you mean about losing someone in your life like a best friend. It's extremely painful, and I'm so sorry you're going through it, SilverLining.

I think talking to your girlfriend about this is a great idea. The best way to go about discussing a relationship is to be very direct, so miscommications like her thinking she's done something wrong don't happen. Perhaps open with something like, 'I feel like I didn't give myself enough time to process my last relationship ending. You haven't done anything wrong; I really enjoy your company - but I think I needed some time to process what happened in my past before going into another similar relationship, and I didn't do that. So I'd really like to go on a break for now.'

What do you think?

[ 02-04-2012, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
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I'll try? I don't know what'll happen really but if she starts crying I'll cave and I know that. :\

Thanks for all the help Saffron Reimi.

Btw, where'd you choose that name from?

Reminds me of that movie... Ratatouille

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SilverLining 2012

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Saffron Raymie
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Well, everyone need time between relationships to process and heal. That's just a part of life.

Also, the vast majority of all relationships come to an end at some point.

You're absolutely entitled to change the relationship as you need to - relationships are works-in-progress: something we do together, a collaborative project that all partners are a part of. We all get a say in our own relationships. Breaks absolutely aren't always bad things; sometimes they can make a relationship way better, as can changing the relationship model you have - such as to a friendship. Does that make sense?

If she does cry, it's sometimes best to be firm and say 'hey, this isn't about you doing anything wrong. This is something I need, and I need to have that respected.' Love isn't about guilt-tripping people into the relationship model we want to have with them - it's about commuincating, compromising and figuring out what's the best for you both. Your descision is likely best for you both, because does she really want you to keep feeling lost like this, without having time to heal? When one partner's feelings, like yours, are left unattended to, that's where things can start going very badly in a relationship. For example, you could wind up seeing her as a replacement for your ex or feeling very overwhelmed when things move too fast - which can also cause problems, and conflicts, in your relationship.

So, your decision is likely the more beneficial outcome for her as well as you, because her partner's needs aren't being neglected. It's not a case of her interests vs. yours - which might be a good thing to talk about with her. What do you think about that? Do you think you could bring up that if you don't sort this out there could end beinmg trouble in your relationship with her? That's generally what happens when people aren't ready.

Do you think she'd be crying out of sadness about the break or because she wants you to change your mind?

(You're very welcome about the help. I liked Ratatouille. I've always wanted to be called Saffron and Ray is short for Reimi (Ray-mi) [Smile] )

[ 02-04-2012, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
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I think she'd be crying because she doesn't want what we have to end... She's told me she has had other boyfriends break up with her by telling her they "needed space" so I'm just a bit worried about that. I don't think she's trying to guilt trip me though.

Sigh. I understand what you mean, I think I also need to try to get my ex to talk to me even for an email or two, just so I can sort things out properly...Maybe that will help me move on and continue with my current girlfriend?


(That's neat I think, I'm pretty sure Saffron was a spice they named in the movie when he was doing and Reimi was a name of one of the characters so it stuck out to me. Really, thanks for the advice. [Smile] )

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SilverLining 2012

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Saffron Raymie
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Hi SilverLining, just wondered how that talk went, if you've had it?

Also, did you speak to your ex partner?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
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I spoke to her. She was extremely emotional and she wanted me to at least give her a chance at trying to show me that my ex really wasn't everything in my life...

I told her I needed my space and she respected that. She told me that she would be there for me no matter what though, and we kept talking really close and we still are, just in a non-romantic way.


My ex on the other hand just refuses to acknowledged anything I send to her. I think I'm finally getting it though that she isn't coming back. Its just that talking about it still hurts I guess.

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SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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The thing is, when we don't get to have closure from a relationship - like you didn't with you ex, it makes it harder to heal, so makes space more neccessary so we can indulge in some serious self care. Most of us need space after relationships, and that's often not to really anything to do with still liking our exes - it's more to do with healing from something that hurt us.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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SilverLining
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Yeah. I understand. Thank you for all your help.

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SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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