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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Alone

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Author Topic: Alone
Member # 93984

Icon 9 posted      Profile for xoxHayleyBabeyxox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, I'm sorry if this is kind of rambley just been feeling really depressed lately and didn't no where else to go. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 6 months ago. It was an extremely abusive relationship and although I've kind of gotten into a routine and tried to keep busy and distract myself it still hurts, I still miss him ect. I feel like he ruined me. Broke me down bit by bit. About 2 months after we broke up I got together with a guy I'd known for about a year but had never really spent alot of time with. Everything was going ok for awhile even though I guess I always missed my ex...I was always comparing them. He was a good distraction I guess, he cheered me up, made me forget for a little while anyway. But we broke up about a week was my fault and I know I wasn't being a good girlfriend. My head was such a mess from my last relationship. I couldn't trust him, kept pushing him away. I think I ruined it because I was so scared of losing him and being on my own that I recked the whole thing. I don't know what to think anymore. I know I'm obviously not ready to be in a relationship if I'm this scared of being alone but I dont wanna feel like this anymore.
Posts: 27 | From: Rockin the nation from a secret location | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Hayley, sorry to hear that you're feeling so sad and alone at the moment [Frown] . You mention about feeling you weren't "being a good girlfriend" but I think it would be really hard for any of us to manage a new relationship so soon after leaving an extremely abusive one. I think that's a really strong and brave thing that you did in breaking up with that person 6 months ago and I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for that!

What have you been doing lately to look after yourself? Did you have counselling or attend any support group following the abuse you experienced? Do you have supportive and understanding friends or family you can talk to? Here's a link with some suggestions too:

I hope that with time and support, you're able to feel more happy and secure in yourself as an individual. Would it be helpful to talk about what worries you about being single?

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 93984

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xoxHayleyBabeyxox     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I just wish I tried harder I guess....It was like I was still so hurt/screwed up/insecure/depressed over my last relationship that losing someone else now was just too much [Frown] I don't want to deal with any of this anymore I just want to forget about everything but I can't.

I went to counselling after I broke up with my ex six months ago but I don't really think it helped. None of what happened was really ever a friends and family knew what was going on and I was pretty much talking to them openly open it the whole time and just ignoring their advice to end it. Counselling just felt like having to repeat everything all over again...I just feel like I've talked about it, I've analysed it, wasted hours, days, weeks trying to work out why it happened and why I stayed and I don't think there's answers...I guess I just think I need to accept that it happened and learn to live with it. I just want to be over it but it's not happening [Frown] I just wanna be me again, before him, before all this screwed me up in the head.

My worries about being single....I've just jumped from one serious relationship to the next for years..I'm not used to it I guess...I don't feel whole kind off...I think I'm just really really scared of being on my own. But I know I'll never have a good relationship until I'm over that. I don't want to jump into another relationship even though it would kinda be the quick easy solution to feeling better. I just want to sort this out now before I mess up again.

Thanks so much for writing back, really apreciate it.

Posts: 27 | From: Rockin the nation from a secret location | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Hayley, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling rough at the moment.

6 months out of an abusive relationship can actually be quite a short healing time, and I think it's really understandable that you're still dealing with some things around that relationship.

I'd just like to drop a thought in here that when we've experienced an abusive relationship, it can be really, really easy for us to assume that everything in any relationship is all our "fault" and that we're not doing it well enough. So, it's possible that your feeling that you wrecked the recent relationship may not be the whole truth - it's possible that it was a nice relationship that had simply run its course. It's also worth remembering that Everyone has different difficulties and hurt that they've picked up in different life experiences, so that's not something that is uniquely "problematic" about those of us who've experienced abusive relationships.

I'm not an expert on counselling, but it's my impression that counselling about an abusive relationship is usually meant to help us deal with our feelings about it, help us to feel better about ourselves again, and learn or re-learn what healthy relationships feel like. Do you think your counselling did that for you?

I don't think that counselling can help us understand what happened, exactly, because the nature of abusive relationships is that they don't really make sense to healthy people. I do agree with you that there probably aren't real answers. The basic answer is that that person was abusive, wanted to behave in abusive ways, and did whatever was necessary so that you would still be there for them to be abusive to you.

I think that mostly it isn't that helpful or necessary to work out all of the whys for everything in something like this. What I do think is usually helpful to move on and be healthy is for us to have a space to work out our own feelings about it, about the abuser, about ourselves, and to realise that we are better and worth more than how we felt in that situation. You saying that you're afraid to be on your own suggests that you might benefit from increasing your self-esteem, valuing yourself more and being more comfortable with yourself. What do you think?

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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