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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » too much distance

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Author Topic: too much distance
girlofglass
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now. We've had a really good relationship, until he decided that he was going to spend a year out of the country with his best friend. He graduated early and started working to save money. Over the summer, his life was mostly consumed by his need to leave, and we had a rough patch. He left in October, and he lives in the middle of nowhere, so communication is sparse. He sent me a letter, but I discovered through a friend that he had access to email, and I tried talking to him online instead. It was very obvious that he was enveloped in his own world, and his interest in my life seemed to dissipate. Along with that, he was also not answering any of the important questions I was asking. Confused and depressed, I told him letters would be better, but sometimes I have the urge to email him small things and little updates. Sometimes I can't control myself, and I feel like I upset him by making our communication lessen, but it was getting to the point where I was obsessing over when I'd hear from him, and getting very little out of it. I feel almost guilty sending him emails every once and a while, but I can never stop myself. The worst part is that me and a friend of mine asked them if we could visit them after graduation. We haven't heard from them in almost a month, and we're pretty sure they told one of their friends to not tell us any information about them so we won't know they're avoiding us. I know the distance isn't easy for either of us, I am just wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Am I not letting him enjoy his trip through my confusion? Should I calm down and give him space? I'm sorry this post is so long, I just really don't know what to do.
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eryn_smiles
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Sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds really rough. I don't think that you're doing anything wrong- you sound like a lovely caring person. But it must be very hard to know how he's feeling about everything when communication is so sparse. Is it possible to arrange a Skype date, letting him know how important this is to you, and discussing the things you've mentioned here? Even asking him the questions you've asked in your last line. I think that would help to give you some peace of mind, even if his answers are not quite what you want to hear. Do you have friends supporting you at the moment too? That can definitely help!

[ 01-21-2012, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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moonlight bouncing off water
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What do you want out of your relationship at this given point in time? Because a long distance relationship for as long as it has been not long distance, sounds to me like it could be incredibly difficult if it wasn't what every one wanted or was able to do. Now, I don't know what you want, nor what your boyfriend wants, but it doesn't seem to me like you two are having great communication, which is a huge deal. Communication is key in any relationship, but even more so when that relationship is long distance. When a relationship is long distance, a special effort needs to be made to communicate with one's partner, which doesn't seem to be happening from his end.

Long distance relationships can be great, but they can also be really, really stress-inducing. When I was with my ex (whom I broke up with for different reasons than the following) we discussed what we would do when I went off to University. We never entertained the idea of breaking up, or at least not seriously it was always talk of a long distance relationship. And it really stressed me out, because of all the work it would take and because we'd both be trying to be a part of each other's lives when we were no where near each other.

I'm not saying that that is what is happening for you or what will happen to you, just that it can.

So: What do you want to get out of this relationship right now?

Do you feel like you're getting it?

Does it seem likely that you could get it, if you're not?


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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Saffron Raymie
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You never need to feel guilty for wanting something in a relationship. We all have needs; and you would like more commuinication in you relationship. That's well within your right to ask for, so, a good idea here would be to email to write to him and ask him for more commuinication. As Eryn said, if he's got internet there, you could Skype or use an instant messenger, or a social network like facebook, twitter, etc.

I know it's been a while since you've posted, so I was wondering how things are going with this now?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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girlofglass
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Well, I don't really like giving this relationship the term long distance relationship. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that he was going to be going away for a year, and I knew he wouldn't have much communication. He lives in the middle of nowhere, and can only access a computer once a week, if at all. Sometimes they travel too, which makes it harder for this communication to be possible. Basically, it's a relationship on hiatus. I don't have any interest in dating any other boys, and I don't feel romantically lonely. I miss him greatly, but I don't have the desire to end it or move on. It's just that he initially thought writing letters would work, but so far it's failed. But when I did email him, I felt like he wasn't paying much attention to me, or he was disconnected from me because he's either sad or just busy with his life there. Sometimes I send emails periodically to get things off of my chest, but I hardly expect to hear from him. I've just been wanting to hear from him now because, well, we asked them a really important question, but now I fear that they're afraid of saying no. It's not a matter of being lonely, or not being able to talk to him. He's coming back in four or five months and I'm more than willing to wait.

I fear that I may be sounding contradictory, but while I know I have to wait, I would love to know the status of our relationship. It's never something we considered before he left, and I sent him a long email explaining why emailing every week was making me sad and that I needed some distance, but I don't know if he took it the wrong way. I by no means want to end the relationship, I just want to know that despite this mess, everything will be okay when he gets back, and I don't know how to ask that. I just want to know if he feels the same way when he left; that he would miss me and want to see me when he came home. And I just want to know if my periodic emails are bothersome and confusing to him. But I guess I should just ask him?

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Saffron Raymie
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You didn't sound contradictory, and it would be a great idea to ask him all of the questions you've put here - that you'd love to know the status of your relationship, that you'd like to know if he still feels the same as he did before he left.
I don't think your emails could be confusing him, you sound extremely clear here. I also don't see how you emails could be bothering him - you're his friend, and you're confused by his actions. So, an idea would be to write to him and say 'hey, I'm not really sure where I stand with you right now, are things still the same as before you left for this trip?'

I know it's scary, asking a question like that when we're so emotionally involved in a given relationship, but it might be better than this uncertainty? What do you think?

[ 01-26-2012, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Seashie Ray ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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girlofglass
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I think that sounds really good, actually. Ironically, he replied to our email today, so I think I'm going to start asking the questions I want to ask, and see where it goes from there. Thanks so much!
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Saffron Raymie
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[Smile] Let us know how it goes!

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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