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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I am an emotional mess; it's hurting my relationship

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Author Topic: I am an emotional mess; it's hurting my relationship
SheWolf
Neophyte
Member # 93684

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This will probably be pretty long so bear with me.

I am so lost and depressed. I have been dealing with depression for years, and it makes me have irrational thoughts. It is also probably the cause of my low sex drive. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over three years and we both still live with our parents (I'm 24; he's 25). I graduated college last year and have still not found a job. this has brought me a great deal of stress. This living situation has caused major issues in our sex life. He has a way higher drive than me as it is, but this added stress is making it worse, and I just have been seeing sex as a chore lately. We have limited privacy and have to worry about the noise level. He thinks I am not attracted to him anymore because I don't initiate sex and don't show interest in it anymore. I love him so much, but I am finding that sex at this point in time is too stressful. He is comparing to how I used to be when we had sex a lot more, but I am getting tired of the kind of sex we always have: cautious and inhibited. How do I cope and keep my relationship alive?

Another thing is that he is my first sex partner and I'm not his first. He has been with what it seems like several other people (don't know the number). I can't seem to get over this. I feel like I am supposed to have sex with more people because that is what I see everyone else doing. I don't want to leave my boyfriend but I feel like I missed out on the whole experimenting thing. Does this make sense? The idea of marrying him scares me because I'm worried I will get bored with being with the same person for the rest of my life and never knowing anything different, but at the same time don't want to give up something good. How does one get over this thought? I also have the irrational thought that he has a one-up on me. I guess it has just made me bitter and angry with the whole idea of sex. Should I see a therapist?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Before anything else, can you fill me in on how you've been managing your depression? Are you getting any help or treatment, either with medication, talk therapy or both?

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SheWolf
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Member # 93684

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I have gone through many antidepressant meds. Currently I'm taking Welbutrin (the highest dose) and Concerta for ADD. I have tried talking to a therapist a few times, and it didn't help much. I am going to a group therapy in a couple days. I don't know any other options.

Also, I do get exercise and eat healthy for the most part.

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SheWolf
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Member # 93684

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Anyone have any advice?
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Will that be the first session of group therapy you're going to. Sounds like you've done a lot of different things to work with the depression. The one bit of feedback I can give about the therapy is that it often takes several sessions with a therapist who is a good fit for you (not all therapists and clients are good fits for each other) before people with depression notice a difference. This has to do not only with being able to talk things out but with being able to try different things that the therapist might suggest and work with them to figure out what works for you. Is that something you think you can explore again? Or perhaps you want to see how the group therapy works for you?

You mentioned several different things in your original post--including the impact on your relationship of your lowered sex drive and your feelings about the amount of sexual experience you and your boyfriend, respectively, have had. Since there's a lot there, I'm wondering what feels like a priority for you to talk about first? (and it could be neither of those things and something else entirely).

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Robin

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SheWolf
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Member # 93684

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I am willing to try the therapist again...but with a different person. This will be the first group therapy I've gone to. It's just frustrating because depression is supposed to be treatable but I've been suffering with it for years. I guess my priority to talk about is how to deal with the sex situation with my boyfriend.
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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Hi SheWolf, did you talk to your boyfriend about the sexual situation?

Not everyone else is have sex with a lot a partners. Some people feel pressured to be untruthful and say that they are - but really sexuality is extremely diverse, and some people aren't interested in sex at all, either at this time or for many years, or even ever.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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