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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Do I fess up about the unsatisfying sex?

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Author Topic: Do I fess up about the unsatisfying sex?
techie
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Basically what it says in the title xD I had some incredibly unsatisfying sex today - there was very little to get me aroused before intercourse (or at least, it was there, but we had lunch with his parents between the previous activity and the intercourse, and that kind of killed off the mood), we use lube so it wasn't painful, but I didn't really feel it at all. We tried a new position in which I had much more control, and I felt quite unconfident, and I was just really relieved when he came and that was the end of that and we got to just cuddle.

This is the first time I've been so unsatisfied by anything sexual or otherwise with my current partner. Do I write it off as a one-off, or do I tell him that it was really not there for me? I know he'd feel bad if I told him, but I feel like faking is also not a good way to have a relationship that's supposed to be built on trust and honesty.

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Heather
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So, when you didn't feel aroused before intercourse, did you say something about that then? When you weren't feeling anything, how about then? When you wanted sex to be over, then?

I'm just trying to figure if you're asking about saying anything about all of this when you already have, or when throughout, nothing was said.

Did you fake something here, also? It seems like you're saying you did, but I'm not feeling clear on what actually happened.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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I was surprised when intercourse was initiated, really. We went up to his bedroom, which is usually the cue for some sexual activity to start, because that's where we go for privacy and, y'know, the bed. But he just straight off asked if I'd brought condoms with me, so I was kind of thinking "Oh, okay."

I didn't say anything about it at all through the whole thing. And I didn't fake orgasm, but when he was like "Oh wow, that was amazing," afterwards, I said something along the lines of "Yep, that it was", or some other form of agreement, I don't really remember.

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techie
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Also, later in the day, he asked me to give him head, and I declined, so it isn't that I can't say no when I don't want to do something. It wasn't so much a wanting to -not- do it in the case of intercourse to not being really interested either way. We were starting in my preferred position, so I thought I'd get into it once we were there.
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Heather
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So, it seems to me you have two conversations to have here, and what's actually most important is a conversation -- maybe more than one -- about how you can feel more able to voice all of these things if and when they are actually going on at the time. For that reason alone I think talking about this is really important.

Is this unusual with you two? In other words, most of the time, does communication like the kind that didn't happen here happen with you both, and this was unusual?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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This was unusual. We're usually very in-tune with each other, and communicative. I've stopped activities that weren't really doing it for me before without hesitation.

Its also incredibly rare that we reach that point without both of us being incredibly in want of it. Its usually this race upstairs after we've fooled around downstairs and we both intensely want each other so much that we don't want to wait any longer, and even beyond that, he's usually incredibly focused around my pleasure. Today was just... off.

Like later, we were watching a film, and he started absently feeling me up, and I stopped him, and said "If you're watching the film, watch the film. If you want to pay attention to me, do that. Don't touch me up while being absorbed in something else."

I don't know if its me because I'm tired or stressed or something, that I'm not receptive to what I usually am, or if there was generally something amiss here. I kind of feel like if its the former, that's not really worth mentioning until the same situation happens again, because it isn't something he can really change.

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Heather
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Well, no, but I think it's safe to say that an invested partner will want to know when it's happened, so that they can be more mindful it CAN happen and maybe talk with you, do some things together, to be more on the lookout for it in the future, you know?

For instance, if you are normally very communicative, and then suddenly don't seem to say or ask for anything at all in a sexual scenario, I'd expect that would be something a partner would tend to notice, and also WANT to know can mean that, for whatever reason, you're not really into what's happening but feel unable to stop and say anything. What they can take from that is to know that should that happen again, it'd probably be sound for them to pause and just ask you if everything is all good and you want to do what you're doing.

Know what I mean?

Too, I think that what you asked at first here is about if you should tell him b/c you were worried it'd make him feel bad, which seems very different to me than now saying you just think the info is irrelevant. I don't think it is, but I also think you probably don't either, otherwise you likely wouldn't have asked about it here in the first place.

So, if you also feel like you can't bring things like this up with him when and if they do happen, I think that's something important to talk about too, and something a partner who cares about you would want to work out, right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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Just to clarify: Irrelevance/upset connection is that there's no need to make him feel bad -if- its irrelevant.

In fairness to him, he did actually ask me a couple of times if I was alright, now I come to think of it, so I think it was definitely just me in a peculiar headspace today.

I'll talk to him, though, because obviously he did notice judging by what I just said, so he can know what it was that -was- up, and then if it happens again, he'll be more in the clue.

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Heather
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Voila! [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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We talked [Smile] Conclusion: Neither of us were really in a good mindset. He wanted to get it done before his parents wondered what we were up to, I wanted something slow and affectionate and intimate, and there was a breakdown in communication. And sometimes, he just wants to watch a film, and not be paying attention to me, but maybe in future we'll pick a film of more mutual interest

Sorted! xD

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Heather
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Hey, sounds like it was good news you talked for both of your sakes! Yay!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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