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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to Calm His Fears?

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Author Topic: How to Calm His Fears?
Member # 34289

Icon 9 posted      Profile for xAkaAngelfangsx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, I'm in a bit of a pickle with my boyfriend. Here is some background information: I've been seeing this guy for about 10 months now. We're both juniors in college, we consider each other our best friend, we are in a monogamous committed relationship that we hope will be a long and steady one. We treat one another with respect and communication is really open between us.

So here is my issue. As we've become more sexual active in our relationship, there have been some concerns. While being intimate with my boyfriend is great, the main issue has been this: he is very concerned that I will get pregnant even though I take birth control regularly and we use condoms.

The issue is very big right now. We both have said that we would love to continue to have sex (the vaginal kind, just clarifying) as we love the connection and how intimate it is. But he gets so upset and concerned afterwords that I will get pregnant that he doesn't want to do it again. The reasoning behind his massive concern is that he is looking at going to grad school, I'm not finished with school, and neither of us has a job or is married, and both of us agree that we would prefer to have stable jobs and be married before children arrived. Makes sense. He's told me he would really love to have sex with me, but he's just too concerned about me getting pregnant. I've been using birth control since 10th grade, so six years now, and we've been using condoms appropriately, and even with the condoms he still withdraws before climax.

I would like for his worries to subside. He knows that the chances of me getting pregnant are slim. But it's that little percentage that drives him nuts. What I'm asking is, is there any way at all that I can calm his fears? We've both agreed to abstain from vaginal intercourse for now, and honestly, that's fine by me because I respect his decision, but I can tell he is still plagued by his worries. And he's told me many times how much he misses being with me that way, but he's just too afraid.

Do any of you think you can help me with this? Thank you so much. Sorry that was a little lengthy. It's just he means so much to me and I hate that he is so worried about it... I want him to be able to enjoy every aspect of our relationship without these nagging thoughts.

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 36725

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Is your partner in counseling (or has he ever been to see a counselor?)? If not, I would suggest seeing if he may be willing to talk to someone about these worries. If he is, it's certainly something he could bring up with him/her.

As well? Sometimes that kind of fear really is just our body and mind's way of saying it's not ready for the types of sex that pose those types of risks. So while it may not be what you want to hear, it may be that he's really just not ready for that right now. How about the two of you taking a look through this together as well? Ready or Not?

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34289

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Thank you Stephanie for your reply.

I've asked him to take advantage of the free counseling our school offers but he refuses. He's very closed off and the only reason he even mentions this stuff to me is because he trusts me. There have been other times when I've suggested counseling, just because he worries so much and then it snowballs, but he won't listen.

Like I said before, I'm okay with us not having sex. It's never been about that. He wants to continue having sex, he's just too worried to do so... He's told me that he would like express his love for me in that way, and I've told him there are other ways for him to express his love - that it doesn't have to be sex. I can tell he's really upset and depressed by it... I don't know.

I'll see if he would be willing to read that article. Probably not, but it never hurts to try.

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 80519

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If it's possible he's imagining the "little percentage that drives him nuts" as larger than it really is, see if he'll also look through this with you.
And then be careful not to expect that it will definitely change his feelings. He's allowed to worry about >%1 if that's how he feels.
But it sounds like you are more concerned about his happiness related to this anxiety than related to sex. I agree that he sounds like he could benefit from counseling about anxiety.
In the short term, there are fun and expressive alternatives to vaginal sex. Is he comfortable giving you oral sex? Are you comfortable giving him? You can also try naked tickle fights, naked pillow-and-blanket forts, him using a vibrator on you, whatever.

Posts: 16 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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